Saturday Night Live

Sir?

Mr. Gould.

Oh.

Oh, hi, uh...

Gail.

Gail Mathias.

I don't think we'd better get ready.

It's almost time for the show.

Oh, relax.

What are they going to do?

Start without us?

You're going to be just fine on this show.

Sort of a cross between guilt and...

Gilda and Jane.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

Don't.

Oh, don't.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, it's just great.

Let's see, you're... you're the one...

Oh, kind of a cross between Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

Okay.

Well, hi.

Hi, Anne.

I'm Anne Risley.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

Kind of a cross between Gilda and Lorraine.

Okay.

Joe, Joe, wake up.

Say hello to the man.

Oh, hello, Mr. Gould.

How are you?

Hi, Joe.

Joe Piscopo, yeah.

You know, I've seen you do Saturday Night in the past.

What was it really like back then?

I mean, did they really use drugs?

Sure.

They all did.

Cocaine was everywhere, and not just the cast.

The studio crew, the cameramen, everybody.

Tell us about Belushi.

John?

Oh, well, he was the worst.

He'd come into the studio with a big bag of coke in his pocket, and if he asked you

to have something and you didn't want any, he'd push you down on the floor,

and Aykroyd would hold your head between his legs, and they'd sort of jam it up

your nostril.

Well, what do you know about Tom Snyder?

I mean, is he really as big as he looks on television?

Yeah.

Well, he thinks he's big when he gets a little toot up his nose.

Snyder?

Well, how else do you think he stays up so late?

And all the rest of them, Roger Mudd, Tom Brokaw, Edwin Newman, they all snort a

few lines before they go on.

Except Brinkley.

I think he's into downers.

That's incredible.

Hey, listen, wait till you see Get in the Elevator, and there's Gene Shalit kind of

piled in a heap in the corner, completely looted out.

Do you mind holding it down?

Let me guess.

Gilbert Gottfried, I'm kind of a cross between John Belushi and that guy from

last year who did the Rod Serling, nobody could remember his name.

Harry.

Hey, where's Denny?

Where is she?

Denny?

What's this?

Denny, are you okay?

Hey, is she going to be all right?

Denny, you all right?

Sure!

I'm live from New York!

It's Saturday Night!

I really am happy to be here.

You know, I've always had a very special feeling about doing Saturday Night Live.

This is kind of like home to me.

Over the years, I have done a lot of crazy things on the show.

I've dressed up as a girl, I've told jokes, I've sung, I've danced,

I was a bee.

But tonight, tonight I really would like to make a serious moment and share

something personal with you because I really am moved to be the host of this,

the first show of the new season.

So I wanted to open up with something a little bit more meaningful.

You see, my mother has been collecting things for all my life for me.

And I really wanted to share it with you.

This was my very first diaper.

And these are the original safety pants.

They're rusty now.

I'd like to share this with you.

Oh, and this was my very first pair of real underwear.

I remember when my folks gave them to me.

I was so excited, I could hardly wait to put them on.

I want to share this with you.

And now, this was a...

a very important pair of shorts.

Very...

This was the pair I wore for a whole summer before I learned that you have to

change your underwear.

I'm not going to share this with you.

And these are my first pair of boxer shorts.

I began wearing them when I learned just how dangerous jockey shorts can be.

You see, it's true.

The male appendage was meant truly to be cooler than the rest of you.

And jockey shorts hold you too close and keep you too warm.

That could make you sterile.

So if you worry about sterility, the answer just might be in your

underwear.

Let me show you what I mean.

Elliot.

Denny.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

This is my monologue.

Well, I know that, but I didn't know that there was somebody else who understood

about underwear.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

Tell me, what kind of underwear do you have?

Well, I'll give you these two for those boxer shorts.

You don't know how valuable these boxer shorts are.

Yeah?

More valuable than these?

Oh.

These are my grandmother's bloomers.

Well, I'll tell you what, Denny.

I'll give you two.

I can trade you a pair of Donald Sutherland's boxers.

A Nick Nolte's brassiere.

And that leotard would be very nice.

Okay,

now, what does everybody want to read today?

Peter Pan.

Book of Aphids.

How about the Swiss family, Robinson?

Yeah, I think the kids will get a kick out of that.

The Andersons are about to take a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive and read

a classic novel at the same time.

Thanks to a combined effort of the Department of Education and the Department

of Highways, the American public will become better educated and more

entertained each and every time they travel on one of our fine roads.

Oh, I just love these mystery novels.

You know, once I start an Agatha Christie, I just can't put her down.

Highway education will even make busing more acceptable, enabling the student to

study even while in transit.

Yeah, when I finish Sartre's Being in Nothingness on my next run, I'll get my

master's degree in Western philosophy.

Even though I find his storylines often intriguing, Bert Vonnegut's pacing is much

too erratic.

You know, me and Evelyn decided that when we retired, we'd spend the rest of our

days just driving around the country, catching up on our reading.

Yeah.

America sure is quite a library.

This message has been brought to you by the Petroleum Council.

We're trying to educate America.

Mama, what's wrong with Daddy?

He's acting so strange.

Well, he's just a little upset, honey.

You must remember, he's gone through a very difficult time in his life.

But Mama, all he does is stare off into space.

Well, you're just gonna have to be patient with your Daddy, honey.

But Mama, I saw him urinating in the hallway.

Well, that's all the more reason we're just gonna help Daddy lift up his spirits.

How did it happen?

I didn't vote for him.

You didn't vote for him?

None of my friends didn't vote for him?

I don't understand.

However, did I lose?

Oh, Jimmy, we didn't want to win that silly election anyway.

We didn't?

Of course not.

Now, how many times did you tell me that being president was just no fun?

That's right, Daddy.

Well, remember how much fun we used to have on the farm when we used to plow the

fields together?

And, darling, we haven't planted a furrow or plowed a seed in four years.

I do miss it.

Well, that's why we took certain precautions, like the debates.

The debates?

I don't recall.

Daddy, the debates.

Remember when you and Mr. Reagan stood up in front of the TV camera and Mr. Reagan

looked so calm and relaxed and you looked so tense and mean?

You see, darling, that was part of the plan.

We knew that once you stood up in public and talked, nobody'd vote for you.

You were right about that.

You see, our plan worked all along, and now we're free.

Like the slaves!

No more cares, no more worries, and now you can show your true feelings,

Jimmy.

My true feelings?

About what?

Well, honey, about all those people who let you down.

Yeah, like the Jews.

I hate them.

Those beanie heads didn't vote for me.