What We Did on Our Holiday

Mickey, have a pee before you go! In the toilet this time!

Mickey! Move!

- Don't sit on the back of the sofa. - What? Whoa!

Time to get a move on, OK?

Scottish Granddad and his puppies are waiting for us.

Let me take this, let me... Oh! Jeez, what the...

Oh, for f... What's that?

That's Eric.

- Eric? - Yes.

He wants to come to Scotland with us, too.

Thing is, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and...

Hang on, there's a... What's this?

- That's Norman. - That's... half a breeze block.

- How did you even pick that up? - I can't sleep without Norman.

You sleep with... with this in your bed?

No, that would be stupid! He goes at the bottom of my bed

to make sure the bad ones don't come in.

- So there's bad stones and good stones? - Yeah. Like in real life.

Sure.

- That's our car alarm! - Oh, for God's sake!

For Odin!

Bloody thing.

Bugger off.

No, I'm sorry, darling, we can't take Norman to Scotland.

- Or Eric. - Right, then I'm gonna hold my breath.

No, no, no. Don't do that. Jess, Jess. Jess, stop it. Jess. Jess.

OK, they can come. Look? Fine. See? They're coming, it's OK.

Look, look, in they go, in the bag.

So her best friends are stones now?

Not all of them. Some of them are bricks.

Well, have you, you know, have you spoken to anyone about it?

What, like a geologist? Oh, this thing hates me.

I'm just saying that... obsessive collecting,

it's rather abnormal behaviour for a child to...

She's behaving abnormally? I wonder why.

For Christ's sake, Abi, just get...

- OK, sweetie? - Everything all right?

- I need a list. - A list?

Yeah, of the lies we're going to tell. In case I forget one.

- That is a clove hitch. - It's just a list would be helpful.

- Has anyone seen my house keys? - Oh, M25 slow moving between...

- Keys, keys, keys. - ...well, everywhere.

It's just a list would be really helpful.

It's really very simple. It's Granddad's 75th birthday party

and we don't want to upset him because he's been a bit poorly...

He's getting better now.

Yes, but...

Oh, Jesus H Christ!

Mummy, you're not supposed to shout Jesus's name like that.

No, that's all right, it's cos I'm asking for His help.

- To stop the car alarm? - Yep.

See? Thank you, Jesus.

Come on, all aboard!

- Enemies of Odin! - I want the window seat!

- Have you got your key? - No, I gave you my key, remember?

- Yeah. Yep. - We can't leave the house unlocked.

- No, I'm aware of that. - Don't start.

Nobody's starting. You supervise the little ones.

- Well, where are your keys? - I think someone's hidden them.

Oh, for f... We've got to address this.

- How many times? - Don't start!

- We're not starting, darling. - OK.

- Well, where are you going? - Lucy.

She won't let me put her seat belt on.

- I don't like it! - We've got to put it on.

She'll be through the window screen and cut into tiny pieces.

Yes, thank you, Mickey. Ooh, I've got a good idea.

Why don't we ask Eric if he knows how to put?

- It is Norman, Mum. - Norman, as I was saying,

why don't we ask Norman if he knows how to put a seat belt on?

He's a breeze block!

And he doesn't have arms! How could he possibly put my seat belt on?

Right, I'm putting it on.

It's the stone that needs the seat belt.

Because if we brake hard, it will go straight through your head

or Daddy's head if he's driving... for your information.

Oh, hi, Lucy. Abi's managed to lose her keys

and I need to lock up, so could I borrow the spare?

If you could just let me have...

- Oh. - Oh, no, Luce, it's fine.

Oh, right.

So, you're off on your travels.

Yeah, to visit my dad.

- You're driving all the way to Scotland? - That's right.

- Together? - Yeah.

700...

We cannot drive to the Highlands in one day.

I told Gavin we'd be there tonight.

- We haven't got a cat's hope in hell. - We can share the driving.

- What, with Jenson Button? - Please don't argue.

We're not arguing, darling, we're discussing.

This is how it starts. You start discussing,

- then end up shouting and screaming. - Then the policeman comes.

That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart.

Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things... very loudly,

- people get the wrong ideas. - He let me play with his Taser.

- Well, he didn't let you. - That was another misunderstanding.

- He didn't say I couldn't. - Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?

No, not nice.

So, we're all going to have a holiday together?

Yeah, yep. It'll be lovely, won't it?

Does that mean that Daddy's gonna come and live with us again?

Well, no, sweetheart, we've been through all this, haven't we?

- Oh, yeah. - Hey?

And the important thing to remember is that Mummy and Daddy...

both love you very much,

but then sometimes a mummy and a daddy reach a point where,

well, things change,

and then one of them finds that they don't really love the other one

like they used to, and then, maybe because of that,

the other one... makes a mistake.

Like Lloyd's dad?

Well, that was actually quite a big mistake.

Running over Lloyd's mum with his car, that was...

No, I'm talking about a smaller mistake

where, well, one of them does something that is...

a little bit silly and selfish with someone at work,

so they find themselves having rows and...

getting cross, and then one of them goes to someone called a solicitor

and sometimes, if one of them is getting angry...

one of them tells his solicitor to keep saying no to everything

even though they know they're in the wrong

which means that even though

a mummy and daddy love the children very, very much...

and always will...

they just keep getting crosser and...

crosser, until the mummy and daddy start blaming each other

for every tiny thing even though none of this would be happening

if the other one had just listened to him in the first place.

- Dad? - Yes, Mickey?

These are a bit tight.

Dad! Dad! We've brought your 12 o'clock pills!

Oh, chase me round the loch on water skis, why don't you?

Only, you left them behind! And, er... and it's 12 o'clock!

Come on, you beauty! Come on!

With his heart, he is supposed to stay calm.

I mean, how can anybody get so worked up about fishing?

Oh, Jesus!

Never think of looking left and right?

Dad!

- Is this Scotland? - No, darling, this is Watford.

When Daddy wakes up, are you gonna go, "I told you so,"

cos of the traffic congestion?

No, darling.

She's not gonna say, "I told you so."

Jess! What did you do that for?

It's rude to wake someone up.

- That's right. - A million thousand...

Oh, God. Look at this lot.

Leave it.

Abi's phone.

Hang on. It's Leon.

I'll call him back.

She'll call you back.

I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front?

Next time we stop, sweetie. If we're allowed to.

In 50 metres, turn right.

We can't bloody turn right, there's no right turn.

- She can't hear you. She's a robot. - She is the most overpriced...

Can we change the voice?

Can we have it in Italian like we did last time?

No. That's how we ended up in Ipswich.

But we can have it in African language, say for example,

- either like Chad or? - Chad isn't a language.

...Zimbabwe or Bahamas.

- Or even Israelian. - Oh, God, it's Gavin.

Accept it, we are not gonna get there tonight.

The traffic always gets better after Leeds. Hi, Gavin.

Tell him we won't make it today.

Yeah, it is safe me talking to you. Abi's driving.

Tell him.

Because in England we let women drive.

Tell him.

No, we will make it tonight, just probably quite late. OK.

OK, bye. Bye-bye.

Hello, I wondered if Sir Donald was in. Thank you.

We've got three bulimics.

Do you think we should put them next to the buffet or a long way from it?

I think near the toilet's probably more important.

Do you know, I think Doreen...

she'd be more comfortable away from the top table.

Maybe we should let your dad decide, because she is one of his oldest...

- Sir Donald. Gavin. Yeah. - ...friends.

Gavin.

Gavin McLeod. Yeah.

I hear you got a hole-in-one at the 13th.

Well, he won't be bothering us again.

Just wait there, kids.

I like being sick, it's like being a fountain.

- I was sickest most. - No, I was.

Thanks for stopping for the night.

I just want to get there as soon as possible.

- No, I know. - His T-shirt.

His T-shirt was full of vomit because of me.

Listen, Doug...

It's a draw. You both produced an equal amount of sick.

But I still won.

Er... why are we putting ourselves through all this?

Maybe we should just tell your dad the truth.

No, no, it's too big a risk.