Malcolm in the Middle

I got one!

Yes, yes. Cool.

Get him!

Ugh.

I got one!

Okay, give me the tape.

What if we get caught?

Don't worry about it. No one's home.

I cued it up to the best part.

It's BattleBots,

and it's a free for all at the battle area.

All of these heavyweight..

I thought this was porno.

Ew. No, this is better.

And no one's... excluded.

Come on, this is the lamest thing I've...

Oh, my God, is that real?

It's an open competition.

People build killer robots, put them in a ring,

and see which one comes out alive.

Killer robots?!

I can't believe it.

Finally something cool about being smart.

I wish we could do that.

We were hoping you'd say that.

Here's the deal:

we want to enter the competition.

We've got the designs, we've got the desire,

and we're not distracted by any kind of social life.

The only problem is that our parents would never allow us

to build something that dangerous.

That means we need a place

with a total lack of caring adult supervision.

That's my house!

But those things look really expensive.

No problem.

My father tries to buy my love.

Who's your... daddy?

Push. What are the odds, huh?

Of Francis having an emergency appendectomy

two months after using the same excuse to ditch school?

Well, he was never very lucky.

Oh, I need you to call work

and tell them I won't be coming in.

Will do.

Well, there's my cab.

What's that all about?

A little something to remember me by.

You know, it just occurred to me

that we have not been apart for one night in 18 years.

You gonna be okay with that?

: I think I can manage

without my mommy for a few days.

I told you that baby voice creeps me out.

Sorry.

Ten-hut! Well, Cadet,

I see you survived. Yes, sir.

I brought you a little something

to take your mind off the pain.

This is a good opportunity for you

to catch up on your homework.

Take it from me...

A lengthy hospital stay is the perfect environment

to focus your mind and attack weaknesses in your character.

If it hadn't been for this,

I never would've learned conversational French.

Carry on.

Sorry, man.

I was this close to going medieval on him.

You feeling okay?

I feel like I have a belly full of broken glass.

Every time I breathe in, I almost pass out from the pain.

This is the single greatest thing

that has ever happened to me.

What? Well, for as long as I can remember,

my mom has been torturing me with guilt.

I've never been able to fight back, but this is perfect.

Her first-born child almost dies a thousand miles from home,

and she's the one who sent me here.

She can't dismiss it, she can't argue about it,

she can't twist it around and make it my fault.

It's beautiful.

Dude, you almost died.

I want you to say that again when she gets here.

Oh, this poor woman has no idea what she's walking into.

Okay, Mom's only gonna be gone

for about four or five days, so we have to prioritize.

What are you asking Dad for?

I want to wear my pajamas to school.

I'm getting a scope for my BB gun.

You don't have a BB gun.

Not yet.

Okay, but since I'm asking to build a killer robot,

I should go first.

Why?

Because anything after "killer robot"

is gonna sound reasonable.

Dad?

Yeah.

A couple friends and I want to explore

our engineering and machining skills.

Sounds great.

So, um, you think it'd be all right

if a bunch of Krelboynes and I build a robot in the house?

Yeah, fine.

Whoa, that was easy, even for him.

For crying out loud.

Be strong.

Lois will get through her operation.

She is a fighter.

No, no, Craig, it was Francis.

Oh, my God.

Did he shoot her?

I knew it.

I t-told her to stay away from him.

That boy has been nothing but trouble.

Uh, Craig, uh, Lois did not have an operation.

Our son Francis did.

Sh-She just went down to Alabama to look after him for a while.

Oh.

Well, tell Lois I stopped by.

I can't believe my mom missed them putting my catheter in.

Maybe I should take it out

so they can reinsert it when she gets here.

Or maybe you could,

I don't know, shut up about your mom for half a second.

No one's that bad.

Hey, I been sugar-coating it for you 'cause you're enfeebled.

Francis!

But you can just see for yourself.

Hi, honey.

You look terrible.

: You think that's gonna appease your guilt?

What guilt?

Boy, it's stuffy in here.

That can't be good for you.

You look pasty.

Have you had a bowel movement?

When is the last time you moved your bowels? Mom...

Hello.

Who are you?

Edwin Spangler... I am commandant of Marlin Academy.

Good for you.

Where's your eye?

Pardon?

Do your ears work?

Do you have some business with my son?

He needs to rest.

Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.

Homework?! You're not giving him homework.

My son nearly lost his life...

Something that never would've happened

if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.

Well, I assure you, ma'am,

had it not been for Francis's long history of crying wolf...

Crying wolf?

You listen to me, you idiot!

My child is sick.

He does not need you marching in here, puffing up

your little chest and making his life

more miserable than it already is.

Why don't you just go play army man somewhere else?

God, she is magnificent.

Dude, your mom rocks.

Hmm.

You got a girl, Rizzo?

Yeah, Sarge. I miss her something awful.

Soon as I get home, I'm going to marry her.

Rizzo!

We need... more torque!

No, we need a balance between speed and torque.

This is great.

I can make a huge mess, build a killer robot,

and Mom's not here to yell at us.

I don't even mind having Krelboynes in the house.

Do we all want

a direct, continuous linear relation

between the rotary actuator

and the robot's translational displacement,

or am I just some kind of crazy dreamer?

Well, what about my design for

the polycarbonate body? STEVIE: It's a...

butterfly.

Correction... killer butterfly.

Beautiful yet deadly.

The perfect killing machine.

It's too unreliable.

It's got to be more simple, like a sledgehammer or...

A superheated spike shot out by power charges.

Yeah, but that's not going to be easy...

What's this stuff?

We were just... sort of... fooling around with some ideas.

Let's have a look.

Well... I'd go with the flame thrower.

That would destroy everything within a ten-foot perimeter.

Of course, a lot to be said for that high-voltage probe.

Sir, before you continue, I feel I have to mention