I-Lived

Hey, guys.

Welcome to another edition of J-J-J-J, J-TECH!

J-TECH.

A vlog specializing in reviewing new consumer technologies.

Self-help is a big business right now.

Uh, ones that help you with self confidence, anxiety, insomnia.

A little, uh, drug addiction...

And there's apps out there for people who think they've been abducted by aliens.

And there's tracking devices in their brain.

It's called the Alien Brain Scan app.

You should check it out. It's totally weird.

However, I did find one app that kinda stood out to me.

Unlike the other apps, which are designed to solve a specific problem,

this claims that it can help with an... an... with anything.

You just input your goal, and it sends you a series of custom-tailored missions...

to help you accomplish it.

And what's really interesting about it...

is an interactive feature... Interactive feature...

That allows you to keep track of your progress...

by filming yourself with your camera...

in order to help you accomplish the mission.

The app is called i-Lived...

and I know it sounds a little weird, but it's pretty cool,

and it's really fun and easy to use.

So, here is the app, which is bright and positive...

and has a guy jumping into action with the tag line,

"You Haven't Lived Until i-Lived."

Whoa.

Thank God I found this thing, 'cause I'm ready to finally start living.

Once you've downloaded the app and signed the user agreement,

you are then prompted to answer a series of questions about yourself,

much like you'd find on any dating app or Web site.

Anyway, whether you decide to answer the questions or not,

you are then asked to input your goal.

And what's the most important thing for a guy to have on the beach in LA?

That's right, a six-pack.

So I entered my goal. "I want a ripped six-pack to share with the ladies."

And I received my first mission via text message...

That read, "Welcome aboard."

You have started your journey to acquiring a six-pack to share with the ladies."

Oh, yeah. It is on.

So, I set up the camera on my phone,

and began filming myself performing each exercise.

That's me doing sit-ups, jogging,

eating right.

Not only do I look like a bird, now I have to eat like one, too.

Me want protein.

And now the moment of truth.

I took a picture of myself before the program,

just to do a little "before and after" comparison.

And here's my stomach right now.

Ugh!

Nothing.

Aw. Not even a three-pack.

This is a one-pack.

In fact, all that broccoli just made me feel a little bit bloated,

and gave me some gas.

So, it was fun because you get to film yourself...

and share your pathetic dreams and subsequent struggles with the world.

But it's really not that effective...

in actually helping improve oneself.

That's why I'm gonna give the app i-Lived...

two out of five stars.

It's not really worth it.

Shit.

What the hell? I hope I saved all that.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's today.

Damn it.

I see you haven't moved yet.

Any chance of you two kids getting back together?

I don't think so.

You should give her a call.

Yeah. Uh, no. She left me. Remember?

Well, maybe if you had a real job with some security, instead of these start-ups...

Dad. Really?

We sacrificed a lot to send you to Stanford.

And what are you doing with it?

There are no real good jobs.

So, you spend all your time online playing with gadgets and-and video games.

You know I'm trying to start my own tech company.

The Internet's a great place to build a following.

And I'm reviewing apps because they're popular right now,

and I can make tons of money on YouTube.

Whatever.

Well, all I'm saying is that you are wasting your talent.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, but don't forget to pray for your mother.

Talk to you later.

You dare assault me?

You, who have done far worse than I!

Fuck.

Hey. I'll be right out.

No, no, no. Hold up. Check this out.

It's Mrs. Lee, your landlord.

Remember me?

I know your ugly ass is in there.

You're not sneaky.

You're not gonna screw me, you douche bag.

I can't believe she hasn't evicted you yet.

I know. Thanks for changing your mind at the last minute, dick.

I told you from the beginning I wasn't sure if I could move in.

You can't afford that place, dude. You don't have a job.

Duh, I know.

Can you stop texting and watch the fucking road?

Look, man, do you know how much time it takes...

to maintain three dating sites at once?

I know. I should have never introduced you to those.

Hey, speaking of which, I owe you big time.

You know how many bitches I've banged using this method?

The weird thing is I kinda believe you.

And then I look at your face, and I'm like, there's no fucking way.

Oh, there's a way.

I'm taking care of your ass tonight, man.

I got a couple of, uh, European chicks lined up.

You know what that means, don't you?

- What? - Anal.

You're sick.

Watch the road, watch the road!

I got it. Chill out, dude.

Anyway, I don't need your help,

'cause I've actually been bangin' bitches on my own on the side.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, man.

You been bangin' bitches, huh? Yeah, dude.

I've been, like, fucking hard, dude.

Hard fuckin' 'em? Dude, with my dick.

Wow. You've been fucking girls with your dick?

Dude. Yep. That's fucking great, man.

Gettin' it in, dude. Puttin' it in 'em.

Puttin' it.

Can you name me one of these girls that you put your dick in?

- Jill's been gettin' it. - Jill?

Dude, she's... That's a great made-up name.

No, she's been gettin' the dick, dude.

You're doing your bobblehead thing. It's like a woodpecker.

That's how I know you're lyin'. All right, I...

I just don't want to get in another relationship, okay?

I'm not talking about relationships, dude.

I'm talking about getting that scent back on you.

- What scent? - The scent... of vagina.

Ugh. You're so creepy, dude.

It's the scent that lets ladies know you don't need 'em.

Because you get laid all the time, man. Bitches love that scent.

So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna refocus.

We're gonna hook you up with a couple of hotties tonight, man.

'Cause I swear to God, you could do a lot better than that.

My ex was super cute. No, she wasn't, man.

She had a big nose, and... Fuck you, dude.

That was debatable. Marie Helen.

Bonjour, mon petit poussin.

That means "little chicken." It's French.

Yes, this is Bobby Yen. I'll be there in a minute, baby.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Why are you talking with a French accent?

Dude... I'm Filipino.

Oh. Where did you go?

I had to go to the bathroom. I was takin' a piss.

You were gone for a while.

- Yeah, I take long, long pisses. - Oh. That's...

You look great, by the way. I love this.

Oh, thanks. It's a necklace.

Yeah, it's a great necklace.

Thank you.

- Anyways, where's your friend at? - Oh, she got sick.

Hey, Josh.

The friend, she got sick. She's not showin' up. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm-I'm cool. Don't worry about it.

We can get the fuck out of here if you want.

- No, it's cool. You just owe me. - We're cool?

Better, uh, watch out. Looks like some guy's moving in on your turf.

All right.

Yo. What the hell is that?

Oh. Uh, nothing.

You just buy a girl a drink, dude?

No. I drink these all the time.

Yeah, you did. Which one?

Ooh. She's hot.

Hey. Now's your chance. Go get it.

No way. Did you see the way she just dissed that Abercrombie guy?

I don't have a chance, man.

All those good-looking guys are gay.

Now go over there and do your thing, man. Be yourself.

Like a... like a cool version of yourself. You know?

The sky's the limit, you're the man, all that shit.

Go get it. Have fun.

I bet you're a Kamikaze girl.

Are you asking me if I have a death wish?

No. What...

What? Like, the drink... Like... Kamikazes?

No. Sorry.

Okay, sorry I asked.

What? That's it?

I'm sorry?

You said that already.

Right. Okay, uh, it's just a drink that I thought you might enjoy.

That's... That's it.

You could just ask a girl.

Yeah, I could do that.

Or are you too macho?

You're the kinda guy who thinks he knows what a woman wants.