Harley Quinn

Tawny Young reporting live from Gotham City Hall

as the mayor, in a rare public appearance,

has come out to honor the heroes

who fought so bravely in the Battle of Gotham.

I present you each with a key to the city.

There you go, Superman and, of course, Wonder Woman

and Batman.

Check out that grip.

There you go, space cabbie.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Who the fuck are these guys?

Commissioner Gordon, what do you think

of this beautiful ceremony?

I'm just so honored to be getting a key to the city

seeing as I was here the whole time

protecting lives.

The Mayor's probably saving the best for last

like I did with the Mission Impossible movies.

I watched one first

-but then I went to four-- -Mmm-hmm. Let's listen.

There's one last person I need to thank today.

If it weren't for him, our city would still be riddled

with supervillains.

This mustachioed servant of the people

may not have powers

but, man, he sure is super.

That's right, citizens.

I hereby honor myself.

What? What about me?

We helped this city together.

Not him.

Seriously, I think I've seen this guy

like one other time, like, ever.

Dr. Psycho, check.

Riddler, check. Welcome back, by the way.

Harley Quinn!

Don't tell me...

You're not supposed to be here.

Is anyone supposed to be anywhere?

Oh, you wanna talk about it?

Maybe over a fruit cup.

Nah...

I wanna be alone with my thoughts.

Don't worry about me. I'll break out when I'm done.

I'm just going through a personal crisis.

Actually, I'll take that fruit cup though.

Well, fruit cup in exchange for conversation.

Sort of linchpin of this whole social contract.

So... I'm gonna go.

Look, thank you for giving me a chance to talk to you.

Why did you do it?

I don't know. I fucked up.

I wish I had a better answer.

I love you.

That Harley stuff was a stupid fling

and a mistake.

And I promise it will never happen again.

If you don't want to marry me,

just say it so I can go to a bar,

and get loaded and get into an argument with somebody

about what the most metal album of all time is.

And then start crying

for no reason and puke on myself

Oh, Kite Man, I do. I do want to marry you.

And if you, you know,

were a metal album,

you'd be Appetite for Destruction.

-You know... -What? What...

GNR is not even metal.

What are we even talking about?

-Is this-- -Chuck, I hate that I hurt you.

You know, you deserve everything.

And I know this doesn't fix anything.

But could you pull over here?

Ta-da! It's the old Gotham corn factory.

What is this? Is this just a tour of my failures?

It's your dream wedding venue.

If you still, you know,

wanna get married to this old gal.

What about Condiment King?

Didn't that dick face already call dibs on this monument

to rustic perfection?

So about that...

Come to ask for an invite to our wedding, Ivy?

Change of plans, sauce fucker.

It's Condiment King!

So, you know, he just, sort of,

decided to just give it to me

and he is still obviously very much alive.

But he's, sort of, like out of town indefinitely,

and no one knows if he'll ever come back,

but, you know, probably not.

Ivy, Kite Man, we're so happy

to have you at the old corn factory.

We know your wedding will be perfect.

Wait. You risked your life

against one of the most formidable villains

Gotham has ever seen

just to give me my dream venue?

I think that's maybe like an overstatement

of Condiment King. But essentially, yes.

That's what I did because I love you.

So... What do you say?

You wanna get married or what?

Wow. This is a lot to think about.

You, probably, can't tell right now,

but I am tots overwhelmed.

Look, just take your time.

You know, just know that it's waiting for you

if you want it.

Why are you so calm, Gordo?

Aren't you excited to see me going back to Arkham?

I'm a complex man with many emotions.

that must be sifted through.

The Mayor didn't give you the key to the city

-and now you're sad. -I don't have a key, goddammit!

I mean, no, that's not it at all.

That was a dumb guess.

Dummy!

Let me give you a little piece of advice.

You don't wanna be the one

who gets the key to the city,

you wanna be the one who gives it.

Yeah, Gordo.

You should run for mayor.

I got into public service to shoot bad guys

while allowing for the occasional accidental

shooting of an innocent, because no one's perfect!

I don't even like politics.

Well, I love 'em.

Come on, let's overthrow Mayor What's-his-name?

I can run your whole campaign from behind bars

like a real campaign manager.

No!

But let's just say for argument's sake

I want the job.

Being the police commissioner

of the most dangerous city in America,

I got low favorables.

You also seem like a hair-trigger reactionary

kind of guy who runs his mouth off

when he's backed into a corner.

That's bullshit.

Say that to my fucking face!

Ah-ha! See, you're a cop,

but you're not a hero.

Unless, you do something heroic

that gets your name in the papers.

Cuffing your occasional costumed psycho isn't splashy.

But guess what?

A little bird told me that Ivy and Kite Man

are getting married on Saturday.

And I've got their guest list.

All these criminals will be in attendance

-with their guard down. -Wait a minute.

I just have an idea.

I bust that wedding and I become a hero

as big as Batman.

Now you're getting it, Mr. Mayor.

Hey, there, sweetheart. Why so gloom?

What are you guys doing here?

Really?

So did you get the paperless post reminder?

Ivy's wedding is on.

And the bride still wants you to come.

I'm not going.

I'll just be a distraction

and like Ivy said, I always fuck everything up.

It's your goddamn best friend's wedding!

Yeah and for once,

I wanna make the right choice. Restraint.

Everyone wants you there.

And you wouldn't want to miss my performance

of an aria.

I'll be singing at the reception.

Did we mention there's going to be vanilla cake?

-I'm not going. -I'll save you a seat.

So you're bailing on your best friend's wedding?

Why is everyone so chatty?

This place used to be great for silent brooding.

If you're really worried about someone

dragging Ivy's wedding to hell in a handbasket,

I got bad news.

-What is it? -Help break me out

and I'll tell you.

-I ain't buying it. -All right.

That's fine.

Screw over your best friend twice, I guess.

Gordon's planning to arrest

all the villains at the wedding. He told me himself.

The cojones on that guy.

How the fuck's he going to pull that off?

Oh, he probably won't.

But he's gonna try.

And I mean, these weddings...

Oh!

...they're so meticulously planned.

Anytime you throw a wrench in it,

it's like a ripple of--

Well, if I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding.