Malcolm in the Middle

Okay, here's the thing about my family:

we don't go on a lot of outings together, but when we do,

there's a little tradition we always end up observing.

When you say lifetime ban,

I mean, whose lifetime are you talking about?

Ow! Mom, let my feet

touch the ground.

Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again.

I should've just given birth to chimps.

Then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.

Ow!

Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey.

He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

And then the ambulance came, but there was this balloon.

And then I was chasing it,

and then I didn't know where I was.

And then I chased a bag,

and then I really didn't know where I was.

And then I saw you,

and I thought maybe you could help me

because you helped that other girl... the one in the movie.

So if you could just come to life and help me,

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks anyway.

It's 95 degrees outside.

It's 110 in here.

We have to run the heater

so the radiator doesn't boil over.

Hal, stop swerving.

This darn silver Toyota's been tailgating me

for the last three miles.

Just pull over, let him pass.

Oh, flashing the brights.

It's going to be like that, huh?

Huh!

Good lord, Hal, he could have a gun.

Just let him pass.

All right, silver Toyota, you win this round.

Go ahead, get there two seconds sooner!

That guy is just an accident waiting to happen.

It's a good thing I found you.

It's not very safe for a little boy like you

to be all by yourself.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm going to get you back home to your parents.

They must be worried sick.

It's "E," dear.

I know.

"Sugar, corn syrup and gelatin."

How can something so simple be so delicious?

That stuff's nasty, Francis.

To the unsophisticated palate, yes,

but to me, the Candy Quack is nature's perfect food.

I'll bet I could eat a hundred of them.

No way. All that marshmallow would expand in your stomach.

You wouldn't get past 50.

Okay, there's where you're wrong, Joe.

See, the marshmallow wouldn't expand.

It would dissolve.

I'd never get full.

In fact, I don't...

Will you just shut up!

I have sat back

and said nothing while you've gone on and on

about how you can eat a hundred of this

and lift a hundred of that.

The Quacks would expand.

You're an idiot if you think different.

Okay, let me tell you something.

If I say I can eat a hundred Quacks,

you can take that as a bona fide guarantee.

And there's no need to resort to personal attacks,

because I'd hate to raise

the whole issue of you wearing boxers in the shower.

That was so cool.

Did you see that truck jackknife and flip over

and that wheel fly through the air?

An explosion would've been nice,

but you can't have everything.

Yeah, Reese, this is great.

Now we're stuck here for hours

with no food and no air-conditioning.

I guess it could be worse.

I could be the guy in the silver Toyota.

Why can't you just open one lane?

Lady, we have to wait for the crane to get here

before we can even think of opening this road to traffic.

Yeah, but if you just moved a couple of those police cars,

there'd be enough room to just pass on the shoulder.

I mean, this is just plain stupid.

Ma'am, don't call a police officer stupid.

What, that's a law now?

Look, my freshman year,

I ate seven pounds of grapes in one sitting.

I think I know what my body is capable of.

We're not talking about grapes, Francis.

We're talking about pure sucrose.

The human body simply

cannot absorb the sugar in 100 Quacks.

Yeah!

Hey, in extreme cases,

the human pancreas has been known to increase

its insulin production by up to 60%.

Yeah!

Listen, your pancreas can produce enough insulin

to fill a swimming pool.

That doesn't mean squat

if your adrenal gland can't distribute it

into your bloodstream fast enough!

Yeah!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

This argument is pointless.

One.

Look, look at that... They're just standing around.

Yeah, 500 cars full of people who actually have

someplace to go, and they're just standing there talking.

What is there to discuss?!

Hey! Let me clear something up for you!

This is a car wreck!

You're a road crew. Do your job!

Are you even listening to me?

That could have been me.

Yeah, well, Hal, it could've been all of us.

Nope! No, that car was sliced

right through the driver's seat.

You and the boys would've walked away without a scratch.

This totally sucks.

It's like an oven out here.

What is the point of wandering aimlessly through traffic?

So we can find cool stuff like this.

Smells like gasoline.

Reese, can't we just go back to the car?

My feet are killing...

Ice cream man!

Go away!

There is no ice cream in the truck!

He's lying!

There's tons of ice cream in there!

The ice cream in the truck is not for sale!

It is against the law

for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!

This is just wrong!

You could make money and please children.

This is a senseless act.

You are evil... pure evil!

Well, if you kids are not willing

to discuss this sensibly...

You son of a...!

Look, there's nothing you can do.

Yes, there is.

I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Hey, you're talking about my brother.

Good one.

I'm Jessica... gray Volvo.

Malcolm... crappy minivan.

Do you want to go check out the crash site?

Sure. You know, my dad practically caused it.

Wow.

What time is it now?

It's still 4:00.

You have to wait at least a minute

for the time to change, dear.

What time is it in China?

Well, sweetie,

I think they're a good 20 hour...

Do you speak Chinese?

Well, no. I...

Is Chinatown in China?

Honey, if you want

an answer to a question, you have to first wait...

What does this toe do?

You know what? I need to buy a pack of cigarettes...

For the first time in 20 years.

Grape juice, please.

He's getting away!

Hello.

Think about it, Lois.

I stopped to tie my shoe in the parking lot.

If I hadn't done that,

we would've been on the road 20 seconds sooner.