The Neighborhood

I can't believe little Marty gonna be a father.

I remember him sitting in this chair,

crying his little eyes out.

You've been cutting his hair a long time, huh?

Oh, no, that was a couple of months ago,

after he broke up with Necie.

It wasn't about Necie!

You nicked me, and you know it!

So, Calvin, you're about to be a grandpa.

You gonna get some Velcro shoes?

Nah. One of those, uh, pill trays

with every day of the week on it. Oh.

Hey, hey, but don't mix up your days.

My grandmother did that.

She took her Thursday on Tuesday.

She was gone by Friday.

Well, you keep talking smack,

you're gonna see your grandmama today.

Calvin, you should embrace becoming a grandfather.

You know, my dad couldn't be more excited about it.

Mm. I thought your kid was 13.

Ah, yes, but my dad was indisposed

for a number of those years.

A number of years determined by a judge.

I'm just saying, you should look for the positives.

You know, as a grandfather,

you'll be revered for your wisdom.

Marty is going to need a lot of advice on how to raise a kid.

You know what? That is true.

I am the master.

Eh...

Eh... What?

Look, Dad, you did a great job.

I-I'm just planning on raising my kid

with a lot less yelling.

And a lot less belt.

It's-it's a new era.

- Things are different now. - Yeah.

When I fell off my bike and hit my head,

you told me to go take a nap.

Are you alive?

Yes.

Then it worked.

Dad, no offense,

but I'm approaching fatherhood as more of a science.

You see, I'm going to read all the books,

I'm gonna absorb all the data.

Then I will apply it in the real world.

I'm going to get my PhD in D-A-D.

So, Calvin,

what's the kid going to call you?

Gramps? Papa?

No. Pee-paw!

Oh, you know, Pee-paw has a nice ring to it.

You know, I may start calling you Pee-paw.

You better not call me no damn Pee-paw.

I just started liking you, Dave. Don't ruin it.

Guys, I'm not some old,

stuffy, grandpa type, all right?

In fact, I'm taking my lady out

to see Earth, Wind & Fire tomorrow. Okay.

Yeah. Ooh, what time's that concert? 5:00?

Oh, that's gonna get in the way of his early-bird special!

No tip?

Yeah, I got a tip for you.

Don't clown your customers before you get your tip.

So you're really going to let your dad take Grover out solo?

I don't know why you're so surprised.

We're chill. We're not helicopter parents.

Yes, you are.

We totally are.

What's up, y'all?

Hey, Calvin. Uh, what was that?

Oh. Oh, yeah. That was lit, right?

That was that... That's that new Lil Side Baby.

Oh. Oh, so,

did your radio get stuck on the wrong station?

That wasn't the radio, dawg.

That-that was on my phone. I-I made a new playlist. Dope.

Oh. What else is on it?

Just that one song.

Okay, Calvin, is this because we were ribbing you

at the barbershop about being a grandfather?

Look, man, I'm nobody's grandpa, all right?

I'm just a man who has a son who's having a baby.

Uh, I don't know what you're talking about,

'cause I cannot wait for that baby to call me "Grandma."

Aw.

Or Lovey. Or-or Gammy.

Or Gammy T.

Ooh, Glammy T. Let's lock that one in.

Hey, so what's a blick, blick?

Okay, well, if you have to ask, then the music's not for you.

Boomers, right?

Yo. Hey.

Oh, what's all this?

Oh, Amazon Prime delivered some parenting books.

I'm reading up. By the time this baby arrives,

I'll know everything I need to know.

Okay.

How to Raise a Green Baby.

Mm-hmm.

I would hope you're having a Black baby.

No. No, see, this book teaches you

how to have a kid that's carbon neutral.

Oh. Yeah.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, but in 600 pages, I will.

Oh, uh, guess who I'm going out for drinks with tomorrow. Who?

My old buddy Chili Mangold.

Oh, your old college teammate?

Yup. What's he doing in town?

We're, uh, playing San Diego State tomorrow.

He's their new head coach. Oh.

Nice. Uh, head coach. That's...

Wow. That's-that's big-time.

Yeah.

He's a lot younger than you, isn't he?

Two years, Marty. Oh.

That's not a lot.

Oh. Yeah.

Plus, he has a summer birthday, so...

Yeah, well, good for him.

Uh, okay, I'm going to start

with How to Speak Baby with Your Baby. Yeah.

You know, uh,

just because Chili is a little ahead of me,

that does not mean that I'm behind, so...

That's fair.

Yeah. Yeah, he's a head coach, Marty, okay,

but San Diego State-- they are not that good.

Yes, they are undefeated, okay, but so were we

till we hit that rough patch a couple of weeks ago.

Malcolm, are you okay?

Yes, I am okay, and I am very, very happy

for Chili Mangold! Okay.

Okay. Uh, you seem a bit fussy.

And according to this book, you might have gas.

Can I practice burping you?

Can I practice punching you?

Let me burp you, man. Come on.

Let me freaking go! Let me go!

Let me burp you! Let me burp you!

It's good to see you, Dad. You're looking good.

Oh, thanks, son.

Notice anything different about me?

You got your ankle monitor off!

I did. I'm a free man.

Except for weekly urine tests.

Lamar! Thank you so much for coming.

Aww.

Yeah, we both have such crazy days,

it really is helpful that you can drive Grover around for us.

Oh, I'm happy to do it.

I missed so much time with you growing up,

because of mandatory minimum sentences.

I want to enjoy every minute with Grover.

So Dave says you bought a car?

That I did.

As in paid for? Legally, it's yours?

Yes, Gemma.

Not bad, huh? 1980.

Still got the original tires.

Low mileage?

Odometer's taped over, but I'd guess so.

So, where's Grover?

No.

Excuse me?

Not happening. Grover can't ride in that.

It's not safe.

The seat belt is a rope.

You can drive Dave's car. Dave can drive yours to work.

So it's too dangerous for Grover to ride in,

but it's okay for me?

It's fine. Just get it back before dark.

Those headlights do not work.

You know what? I-I'll just take an Uber.

Yeah...

Oh, hey, Marty!

You remember my dad.

Well, how could I forget a white man named Lamar?

I hear you're going to be a father.

Good for you.

Yeah.

Oh, you're reading Ready, Set, Toddler.

It's great, isn't it?

Well, it's okay.

It's a little touchy-feely for me.

Oh, well, let it touch you, bro.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I mean, trust me, it is amazing.

You know, that book was my GPS to fatherhood.

It's probably why Grover has such great life skills.

Uh, Dad?

A little help with this hoodie?

Oh, uh...

Son, that's a pair of sweatpants.

Oh.

Uh...

Why don't you go inside and take another crack at it, champ?