Ben and Kate

Hey, thanks for making

room in here; This is gonna be great. Also...

and this is sort of weird because you're my sister...

but we should probably go over the ground rules, you know,

for when I have, like... Sexy visitors.

Ew! Ben, stop it.

Honestly, like having a small child around

doesn't already make it difficult enough

- to, like, ever have sex. - Ew. Gross.

Don't ever say that word to me again.

Maybe we should have a code word.

You know, like,

what do we do when we want to...

"Make waffles" with someone? That's the metaphor you choose?

- Make waffles... - We need

something that implies

strategy and maneuvering, you know?

Like-like playing chess?

I want to be waffles, okay?

So if I feel like

I'm gonna go make some waffles with somebody,

I just want to know that you're not gonna hear me...

Crack... cracking the eggs.

There are so many other ways to put that.

I just want to know that if there are noises...

Don't talk about you...

Ew! Okay?

You should know, though, if I'm playing chess, you know,

I might make some complicated moves, like Bobby Fischer style.

I mean, some nights it might be

speed chess, you know?

Like I'm in Washington square,

I'm feeling the moment,

there's a crowd gathered,

I'm slapping that clock.

Other times it's gonna be slow,

methodical tournament play, you know? "Nice move, comrade."

Maybe I'm playing a computer.

The point is, Kate,

I may... I may check some mates. I don't want to talk

about this anymore. I was about to make pancakes,

and now I don't want to. I don't either, okay?

I'll just have some toast.

With jelly smeared in it.

BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ!

Wake up, BJ!

Will you please be quiet?

BJ's awake, BJ's awake, BJ's awake! Incredibly rude!

Shh! Shh!

Uncle Ben asked me to ask you,

what's a "walk of shame"?

There's nothing shameful about it.

It just means you're dressed for the next day.

Hey, monkey,

will you go get dressed for school? Sure.

Ben, that was the principal of Maddie's school.

- Apparently, she was late every day last week. - Who cares?

You don't really learn anything till the fourth grade, anyway.

Ben, this is serious. Now I have to go... talk to him. Dude,

this wouldn't be so stressful if you hadn't lied about where we live.

It's the only way I could get her into a good school. So you

told everyone we live at Tommy's parents' house? They're the only

people I know in that neighborhood.

Besides, ever since you moved back,

Tommy basically lives here...

- it's like a trade off. - This is true.

And we out of hand soap, y'all.

Do you think this looks slutty on me?

Is it too short? I don't even know

what I'm trying to say with these?

What if I can't stop talking? You remember this place?

Man, I loved this school. I know.

Why do you think I lied to get in here? Dude, check it out.

Good old 333.

Huh. That's weird.

Good old 33... Okay, that should open.

Ben. Did they fix these things?

Ben, could we please...? Kate,

you need to calm down.

It's the principal's office.

Why are you so scared of authority figures?

I am not. What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, it's five items or less.

These coupons are expired.

Seriously, dude, no!

You need to relax.

He's not my husband.

He's my... ugh! That's gross.

He's my brother

from the same motha.

Can I get a what-what?

I'm sorry. Um, we live together.

He lives with me.

And by with me, I mean he lives in my garage.

At 24 orange grove drive, 92102.

Three bedrooms,

two baths, no black family.

Are you having a stroke?

I don't know.

Principal Feeney...

can I call you Randy? My name is Geoff.

With a "J"? "G."

That's always been my favorite spelling of Geoff. Always.

It's confident, and fun. Thank you.

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here, gee-off.

You don't seem like the type of guy

that likes coming down hard on kids.

Honestly, it's not my favorite part of the job.

That's not why you got into this racket.

I wanted to change lives.

You wanted to change lives.

Wow.

Is that old answering machine?

Well, I-I don't know... Every time

my parents called, that was actually me.

Uh, hello?

This is Mr. fox. Ben's gonna be

20 minutes late for school today.

Your father was Jimmy Stewart?

Yeah, right! You ought

to do impressions.

What, me? I couldn't possibly.

Don't try and make me.

That was me. You did me.

Was that me? Yeah!

Well, 'cause

you kind of go up and then go down.

That's uncanny. Something I can do.

Do you do impressions? No? Okay.

Do you do anybody else? Who do you do?

Let's talk about Maddie. Right.

Miss fox, I don't know what's going on with you lately,

with me? But I'm glad that your brother has moved back to town to help you out.

What? Yeah. I think what gee-off and I are trying to say

is that you need to get your life together, Kate.

So that Maddie can get her life together.

You have got to come to back-to-school night.

The whole school board will be there.

Your enthusiasm would be a big asset to this place.

- No, he can't do that. - Are you kidding me?

Gee-off... That really means a lot.

We would... We would love to.

That would be great. You are gonna

love Kate once you get to know her.

That's... so excited.

What are you so freaked out about? It's gonna be fine.

No, it's not, Ben. Back-to-school night

is full of teachers and parents and board members

and principals.

Only one principal, Kate. I'm gonna get caught.

Somebody's gonna ask me something about where we live,

and I'm gonna mess it up.

Maddie does not deserve this. Okay?

I don't want her to suffer because I'm a terrible liar.

The worst I have ever seen.

It's one of your character defects, Kate.

It's so unattractive.

I am aware.

She gets so sweaty.

And there's, like, that weird blotchiness that happens.

And her voice, it goes into that dolphin register.

You guys... - Aah, help me.

Ah... I know, you guys, okay?

This is why I don't go to school things.

Maddie can't get kicked out.

If she gets kicked out, she's gonna go

to the school in our district. Can't be that bad.

You guys have a music program here?

Music...

I cannot mess up at back-to-school night.

- It's too important. - Well, you're

gonna have to learn to lie, aren't you?

The key is to completely

shut the door on any follow-up questions.

Okay?

Just... just observe and learn.

Try and chat me up, then.

What? Ask me out on a date.

Right now? Okay, I haven't... Yeah.

I haven't worked out my backstory.

Just keep it loose. Hey, how's it going?

My name's Maximillian.

Yeah, my friend's call me Sully.

It's a long story.

Anyway, I'm in the shipping game.

Yeah, based out of San Diego.

You know, mostly machines, although I do dabble in shellfish.

I couldn't help noticing you

from across the bar.

I've got intestinal parasites.

Ew, gross!

Exactly. No follow-up.

Absolute conversation killer.

Works every time.

That's amazing. This is all your fault.

How is this my fault? We would never have

gone into the principal's office if it

weren't for you being late every single day.

Oh. Well, so technically, it's Maddie's fault.

She is six years old, Ben.