The Parole Officer

Shit.

Fell off the chair.

I wasn't, uh...

I know you're wearing a skirt, but I didn't see anything.

Mostly trousers these days.

Yeah, I prefer skirts. Healthier, isn't it?

I imagine.

Allows the air to, uh, circulate around the...

vagina!

We're ready for you, Mr Garden.

Yes, yes.

We've had a letter of complaint

stating that you are a "negative and destructive influence"

"on the smooth running of the Blackpool Probation Office."

I think whoever wrote that letter, it's just a clash of personalities.

It's signed by everyone in your office.

Right, yeah, well, I mean, that's what I mean.

It's a clash between... me and them.

"A negative and destructive influence," Mr Garden.

Are they right?

Well, if you think that remembering a client's first name

is less important than claiming generous expenses,

then, yes, they're right.

If it's best for a client who's just left prison for the 14th time

to be passed on to yet another department,

then, yes, they're right.

But I've seen over 1,000 clients and I believe every single one...

Of these 1,000, how many are now going straight?

Three.

Simon Garden was an inspiration.

My first day out, he gave me a blank sheet of paper

and he said, "That's your future."

"You can write and apply for a job or you can wipe your arse on it."

And I said, "I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty."

Before I met Simon, I was thievin' and hitting people.

But now...

I'm a fishmonger.

It's another string to me bow.

12 months ago, I was in prison.

Now I'm a sub-service support network supervisor

providing PC, Mac and mainframe infrastructure

with online E-task back-up.

Not many people can say that.

Do you have anything to add regarding Mr Garden?

He is annoying.

- It's true. - He is annoying.

We talked to your clients, Mr Garden.

They're good people. I used to say,

"You're halfway up a mountain. Crime is the easy path to the bottom.

"Responsibility is the hard path to the top.

"But when you get there, it's a great view.

- "Cos in every sinner..." - Thank you.

There's a vacancy in Manchester.

I'll take it.

Hey! Slow down! Idiot!

'Pull over, driver! Pull over!'

Get away from there!

You just saved that girl's life.

DI Burton, City Police.

Oh, right... sir.

- Oh, hello. You must be Kirsty. - Yeah.

You all right? Got a bit of a...

- Oh, uh, I-I fell. - Right.

Now... "Car theft, car theft, ram-raiding",

"arson, car theft, car theft and car theft."

Expelled from St John Fisher's, Hogarth, Glenbrook Junior.

Not expelled from St Thomas Moore. Why's that?

It burnt down.

Ah, yes. Hence the arson. Yeah, all starting to make sense now.

Ugh.

You could hang your hat on that.

Oh, huh, he is.

Give that to me.

We'll come back to this.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Big Dipper. - Oh, uh...

- You're interviewing Kirsty Clark? - Yes.

Kirsty! Kirsty!

I've got you! Get off me!

- Ah! - There she is.

Come on, Kirsty.

You've admitted to taking the car.

Admit to possession of drugs and we'll drop the other charges -

reckless driving, resisting arrest, arson.

We'll call it a day, I'll take us down the pub, buy us a pint of lager.

And half a shandy, if no one's looking, for Mr Garden.

All protesters charged today can collect their bikes...

- Inspector Burton? - Hello, Simon.

I know she stole the car,

but she says she knew nothing about the drugs and I believe her.

You're new here, aren't you?

She did have class A drugs on her person.

She said the drugs were...

- 'Ln a koala bear.' - Were what?

- Not hers. - Listen.

We got muggers and rapists to catch.

We can't stand around, we're not probation officers. No offence.

Cheerio, Simon.

There's something I forgot to ask Inspector Burton.

He'll be at 44 Faulkner Street. Gets a lot of information there.

Oh, you know that gay porn magazine? Wasn't mine.

I've nothing against gays.

It's just that, er... I am not gay!

- Right. - So, uh, given that,

um, how would you like to have... dinner with me one night?

- OK. - Oh, good!

See you later.

- Ah! - We'll meet again.

Yes, very scary.

Right. Occupation?

Student.

Ow!

The accountants run football these days.

See, they tell the managers who they can and cannot buy.

Come to think of it, we're running everything these days.

Accountants are running the world.

Still, that ain't bad for business, is it?

That's why Man U are winning everything. It's down to money.

- Where's Cochran? - Polishing his shoes.

Here's your girlfriend.

- What about my Porsche? - You're insured for fire and theft.

Got something for me?

Lovely.

- Why the bonus? - Golden handshake.

Market's flooded with class A. Gram of coke's 40 quid.

Just not worth the risk, is it? So we're goin' legit.

Yeah, well, just one problem with that as far as I can see. Me.

And me. That's, uh, two problems.

- We can't push our luck. - It's not luck. I've been busy.

I've just nailed some tart to cover his arse. It's a good scam, Paul.

You'll get a pension.

Look at Al Pacino. You're just a dwarf with a calculator.

Yeah, I got a calculator, which is useful.

Cos I can account for every bill, receipt and cheque in boring detail.

The taxman's always welcome at my house.

If he was tipped off about you...

Let's see. "He's a copper, so he earns this much."

"Bugger all. And he spends this much."

"It doesn't make sense, unless he's on the take."

What the bloody hell you doin?

Boss.

- Still thinking of going legit? - No, just changed me mind.

- You've killed him. - What?

What?

Some more crisps.

Who's that?

Coming out.

- Who are you? - Please don't shoot.

- Are those my crisps? - I'm hypoglycaemic.

Th-The opposite of, er, diabetes.

I overproduce insulin, my sugar levels crash,

I get lethargic and I need regular carbohydrate snacks.

What are you doing here?

I really don't know.

Oh, look, he's alive!

Get him!

There he is!

Uh, right, listen. Could I just say something?

If you attack me, I will go to the police.

It'll be reported. You'll have a criminal record.

You've got one. OK.

In my wallet, I've got...£40! That's 20 each.

Plus a cash card.

It's got a £200 limit, of which I've withdrawn 40.

You've got that. Now, the PIN number. It's the Battle of Hastings.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, that really hurt! Oh, oh...

- Oh, bloody shit! - Bloody hell!

Where is he?

Oh, Gordon Bennett!

I dunno. No sign of him.

'Good morning, Manchester. It's 8:00.

'A man out walking his dog made a gruesome discovery

'when he came across a headless corpse on the Stockport Canal.

'Police urgently seek the owner of a wallet found near the body...'

Hello, my name is Simon Garden. I'd like to report a murder.

Erm... I know I look a mess. I, uh... I slept rough last night.

I got punched in the face by a man with a stick.

Fell off a roof into a canal.

Actually got a condom stuck on my finger.

Eugh.

I'm not a lunatic. I'm a probation officer.

Um... I know, same thing.

But, no, this is murder and I'd like to speak to a senior officer, please.

Certainly, sir.

Good.

- Oh. - Hello, Simon.

Hello.

I reckon we should, you know, rub him out.

We can't rub people out. We're police officers.

Aye, of course.

- What about the accountant? - That was unfortunate.

Are you just gonna let him go?

For the time being. He's a very scared boy.

He'll probably go back to do-gooding in Toy Town.

If he does talk, we'll pay him a visit.

He'll find a kilo of Colombia's finest and a head in his fridge.

Let's look at the facts.

I'm in charge of the investigation. Your wallet's found near the body.

You're... "helping police with their enquiries".