Yes Minister

"Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3, section A,

clause 214 of the Administrative Procedures Scotland Act 1978,

insofaras the implementation of the statutory provisions is concerned,

the resolution of anomalies as between departments

shall fall within the purview of the MinisterforAdministrative Affairs".

What does it mean?

- I'm sorry? - What does it mean?

Oh, er, well, Minister,

it means "notwithstanding the provisions of..."

I've just read it to you. What does it mean?

What it says, Minister. May I remind you,

you are seeing a deputation from the TUC in 15 minutes,

from the CBI afterthat, and from the NEB at 12 noon.

- What do they all want? - They're all worried about machinery.

Yes, for inflation, deflation and reflation.

What do they think I am,

a Ministerof the Crown ora bicycle pump?

When am I going to do all this correspondence?

You do realise you don't actually have to.

- Don't I? - We can draft an official reply.

What's that?

"The Ministerthanks you forthe letter".

Then we say: "The matter is underconsideration".

Oreven, "underactive consideration".

What's the difference?

"Underconsideration" means we've lost the file,

"Underactive consideration" means we're trying to find it.

You just transferall the letters to yourOut Tray,

put a note if you wish to see the reply

and if you don't, you neversee it again.

If I transfereverything from here to here, without even reading it,

- that's all I have to do? - Yes.

- Itwill be dealtwith? - Precisely.

- Properly? - Immaculately.

What's the Minister here forthen?

Er... to make policy decisions, Minister.

When you've decided the policy, we can carry it out.

How often are policy decisions needed?

From time to time.

Bernard, this government is here to govern.

Not merely preside like ourpredecessors did.

When a country is going downhill, it's time forsomeone

to get into the driving seat, put his foot on the accelerator.

I think you mean the brake.

- Ah, Humphrey. - A moment of yourtime, Minister.

"The official visit to the UK of the President of Buranda".

Where's Buranda?

- Africa. - I've neverheard of it.

Yes, it's fairly new, Minister.

It used to be called British Equatorial Africa.

It's the red bit on the left hand side, below the Mediterranean.

Oh, there! But why's this come to us?

- This is forthe Foreign Office. - There are administrative problems.

Her Majesty's due to be up at Balmoral,

so she'll have to come to London.

State visits are arranged years in advance.

This isn't a state visit, it's a Head of Government visit.

The President of Buranda is Head of State.

But he's also Head of Government.

But ifhe's coming as Head of Government,

why does the Queen have to see him?

Because she's the Head of State, Minister.

The Head of State must greet a Head of State,

even ifhe's not here as Head of State.

It's all a matterofhats.

- Hats? - Yes.

He's coming wearing his Head of Government hat.

He is the Head of State,

but he's notwearing his Head of State hat,

but even though he's wearing his Head of Government hat,

he must still be met by the Crown.

Why are we having an official visit from

this tin pot little African country?

I beg of you not to referto it as a tin pot little African country.

- It's an L. D. C. - What?

Buranda is an Under- developed Country.

However, this term was regarded as offensive...

so they became known as Developing Countries

and then as Less Developed Countries or L. D. C.'s.

We are nowready to replace the term L. D. C. With H. R. R. C.

What's that?

- Human Resource Rich Countries. - Which means?

They're grossly overpopulated and begging formoney.

And Buranda is an H. R. R. C?

No, Minister.

Is it one of the "have not" nations?

We don't use that term any longer.

But if we did, Buranda would be a "will have" nation.

Will have a huge amount of oil in a couple of years from now.

Oh, I see.

Why didn't you say so at first?

- It's not a T. P. L. A. C. At all. - T. P. L. A. C?

Tin Pot Little African Country.

No, Minister.

Oil. I've got a marvellous idea.

The Queen doesn't have to come down from Balmoral.

Are you proposing that they should exchange

official greetings overthe telephone?

No. No. No. No.

You'd like them to shout rather loudly?

No. The visit shall take place in Scotland.

- At Holyrood Palace. - Out of the question.

- Why? - It's not ourdecision.

- It's a Foreign Office matter. - I don't think so.

"Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3 blah blah...

it is proposed blah...

the resolution of anomalies shall fall within the purview

of the Minister forAdministrative Affairs.

It's brilliant.

We save the Queen a pointless journey,

and there are three Scottish by-elecctions coming up soon.

We'll hold them afterthe visit.

We do not hold Head of Government visits

forparty political reasons, but forreasons of State.

My plan shows that Scotland is an equal partner in the UK.

She is Queen of Scotland too.

And it is full of marginal constit... depressed areas.

I hardly think thatwe can exploit ourSovereign

by involving her in what some might call

a squalid vote grubbing exercise.

- You want a betterreason, right? - Indeed we do.

Then tell me why he's coming.

Forexchange of views on matters of mutual interest.

- Now tell me why he's coming. - Off shore drilling equipment.

We're hoping he's going to place a huge orderwith us.

And where is he going to see all this offshore equipment?

Aberdeen. Clydeside.

Howmany oil rigs have you got in Haslemere?

- But the administrative problems - That's why we are here.

- But Scotland's so remote... - Not all that remote.

It's that pink bit about two feet above Potter's Bar.

Very droll, Minister.

So, it's going to be Scotland.

That is my policy decision.

That's what I'm here for, right Bernard?

Right Humphrey? Good, thank you.

What's he got against the idea?

Sir Humphrey likes going to Foreign Embassies,

with his white tie, tails, medals.

Itwill all be on a much smaller scale in Scotland.

No room for Humphrey?

Onlyforthe Permanent Secretary there.

Has Sir Humphrey got lots of um...?

Yes one ortwo, Minister.

And he's been recommended forthe K. B. E.

How do you know?

I thought honours were a closely guarded secret.

- More coffee, Jumbo? - Thank you, Humpy.

Any luck with the Foreign Secretary about this Scottish nonsense?

"Fraid not. Can't budge him. Your Ministernobbled him first.

No chance of getting it back to London?

No, I'm afraid the Cabinet are utterly united.

All these marginal seats, d'you see?

Shameful.

- Political. - Typical.

Inevitable.

And so blatant.

Issuing writs forthree Scottish by-elections to poll

on the day afterthe visit.

Can you imagine Harold MacMillan doing a thing like that?

Yes.

Yes, so can I, actually.

Now, about the arrangements forScotland.

The reception I mean. Do we knowwho's going?

Yes. I'm afraid the Burandan Consulate in Edinburgh

is rathera hutch.

I shall have to carry the flag forthe Civil Service all by myself.

Oh really?

Well, you have my sympathy.

God knows what they'll be serving up forthe Scots and Burandans.

Haggis in missionary sauce, I shouldn'twonder.

Actually, between ourselves, the visitwill probably neverhappen.

- Neverhappen? Why? - Rumblings in the interior.

Oh dear... Oh, I see what you mean.

- From ourman in Mungoville. - Isn't that ratherserious?

Buranda's a friendly country with a Commonwealth connection.

Our information is it's likely to turn into a hostile L. D. C.

With a Cuban connection.

- Whatwill the Government do? - The same as always...

Damn all!

We are just getting reports of a coup d'etat in Buranda,

the West African State, formerly British Equatorial Africa.

It is reported that the Commander in Chief

Colonel Selim Mohammed has been declared President.

It is not known what's happened to President Alam,

who was due to pay an official visit to Britain next week.

There is still no sign of agreement...

Did you see that? Get me the Foreign Secretary.

Shall we scramble?

No, it's not secret, it's on the news.

Martin.

- What's all this about Buranda? - What's all what?

There's been a coup d'etat.

How do you know?

Itwas on the news. Didn't you see?

You're Foreign Secretary!

My TV set's on the blink.

YourTV set? Don't you get telegrams?

No, they come in later. I get all the foreign news from TV.

You're joking... aren't you?