Parks and Recreation

- I FOUND THIS TYPEWRITER NEXT TO THE COURTYARD DUMPSTER--

AN OLD UNDERWOOD FIVE WITH ORIGINAL CARRIAGE RETURN.

AH.

I TOOK HER HOME, POLISHED HER UP,

- OKAY, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

I'M GETTING A CLUSTER HEADACHE.

- OH, WHOA, WHOA, HE'S LEAVING.

LET'S GO.

I'M GONNA THROW IT AWAY.

NO, I'M NOT. IT WEIGHS A BILLION TONS.

WHAT IS HE TYPING ANYWAY?

- "IF YOU SONS OF BITCHES TRY TO REMOVE THIS TYPEWRITER,

I'LL KILL YOU."

- I'M GONNA TYPE EVERY WORD I KNOW.

RECTANGLE!

AMERICA!

MEGAPHONE!

MONDAY!

BUTTHOLE.

*

- WELL, I HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD TIDINGS,

BUT THESE INTERVIEWS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE THOUGHT.

HARVEST FEST IS TWO WEEKS AWAY,

AND AWARENESS IS STILL PRETTY LOW.

BOY, 35%.

IT'S ACTUALLY 34.2%.

- 34.2%.

I AM BEN, THE NUMBERS ROBOT.

- IT'S JUST AN EXACT, UH, CALCULATION.

- IT IS JUST AN EXACT CALCULATION.

ALL RIGHT.

- SO WE'RE DOING A HUGE MEDIA BLITZ

TO PUBLICIZE THE HARVEST FESTIVAL,

AND WE'VE GOT TV, NEWSPAPER, RADIO,

AND I EVEN CALLED OPRAH.

WELL, I TRIED TO CALL OPRAH.

I-I COULDN'T GET HER NUMBER.

I'M PUTTING IT OUT THERE LIKE THE SECRET...

AND HOPEFULLY SHE'LL CALL ME.

OUR FIRST INTERVIEW IS AT 93.7 F.M.

WITH CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE.

- CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE.

- THEY ARE PAWNEE'S MOST HILARIOUS DRIVE-TIME RADIO GUYS.

- SO MUCH BETTER THAN TUBBY TONY AND THE PAPAYA.

AM I RIGHT?

THEY'RE SERIOUSLY SO FUNNY.

IS THIS RIGHT?

THIS FEELS ALMOST PERFECT,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOUR CORE HAS MAXIMIZED ELASTICITY.

- OKAY, UM, I'LL COME BACK IF YOU GUYS ARE BEING WEIRD.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU'RE EXACTLY THE PERSON THAT I MOST WANT TO TALK TO

RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.

AND LUNGE. - OH.

HAVE YOU GIVEN MY OFFER ANY MORE THOUGHT?

- WHAT EXACTLY WOULD HAPPEN IF I SAID YES?

- WELL, YOU WOULD WORK AT THE STATE HOUSE.

YOU WOULD COORDINATE

MY PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL SCHEDULE,

AND WE WOULD GIVE YOU A SMALL RELOCATION FEE

FOR YOUR MOVE TO INDIANAPOLIS.

- OH, THAT SOUNDS BORING.

BUT I HAVE NOTHING KEEPING ME HERE.

DO YOU HAVE INTERNET IN YOUR OFFICE?

- YES.

- FINE. I'LL DO IT.

- THAT IS LITERALLY THE BEST NEWS

THAT I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

- UNLIKE APRIL, I STILL DO NOT KNOW

WHAT MY FUTURE HOLDS WITH CHRIS,

AND IT'S STARTING TO BUM ME OUT.

I NEED SOME MORE VITAMIN "D."

YEAH.

- OH, HEY, CRAZY. WHAT WAS THAT MEETING ABOUT?

- OH, IT TURNS OUT CHRIS IS MY REAL DAD.

I THINK YOU'RE LYING.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT MEETING WAS ABOUT.

YOU CAN'T GO TO INDIANAPOLIS.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING THAT I CAN DO TO CONVINCE YOU

HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU.

TELL ME YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THINGS

YOU HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY, AND I'LL DO THEM FOR A MONTH.

FINE.

IF YOU DO EVERYTHING I HATE FOR A MONTH,

THEN I MIGHT BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY

OF THINKING ABOUT MAYBE STAYING.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO HEAR.

YOU WON'T LIVE TO REGRET THIS.

UNLESS ANDY CAN UN-KISS ANN,

THEN I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.

BUT IF HE WANTS TO TAKE MY DUMB SISTER

TO HER DUMB DANCE CLASS,

THEN I'M NOT GONNA DUMB STOP HIM.

- CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE-- 93.7.

- YOU KNOW WHY I'D NEVER BE AN ASTRONAUT?

TWO WORDS--SPACE FARTS.

YOU CAN'T ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW OF THE SHUTTLE.

AM I RIGHT, FOLKS?

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A...

NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, NEIL ARMSTRONG?

THAT'S ONE SMALL... FOR MAN.

ONE GIANT... FOR MANKIND.

ALL RIGHT, SWITCHING GEARS HERE NOW.

WE GOT LESLIE KNOPE AND TOM HAVERFART...

AND, UH, BEN WYATT, AND THEY'RE IN THE HIZZY

TO TALK ABOUT AN UPCOMING EVENT CALLED THE HARVEST FESTIVAL.

- WELL, THE DOUCHE, IT'S A PAWNEE TRADITION,

AND IT'S WHERE FUN MEETS AWESOME...

MEETS AGRICULTURE.

AND IT IS GOING TO BE NEXT MONTH RIGHT HERE IN PAWNEE.

AND SPOILER ALERT--

IT'S GONNA HAVE THE BEST CORN MAZE EVER.

- YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY IN A CORN MAZE, DIDN'T YOU, DOUCHE?

- OH, THAT'S RIGHT, TO YOUR MOM.

- CRAZY IRA, CLEAN YOUR ROOM!

- THERE'S ALSO GONNA BE HAYRIDES.

- "HEY, RIDE ME"...IS WHAT CRAZY IRA'S MOM SAID.

STOP IT!

CHINA JOE, YOU ARE A POET.

MY BIRD IS MISSING.

I NEED A PERMIT TO POST SIGNS.

- OH, LET ME JUST LOOK FOR THAT FORM.

- THERE'S NO TIME! HE CAN FLY!

- NINE THINGS APRIL HATES TO DO.

"NUMBER ONE, RUN THE PERMITS DESK FOR AN HOUR."

THAT'S NO PROBLEM.

I EAT RUNNING THE PERMITS DESK FOR AN HOUR FOR BREAKFAST.

OW, THAT'S--OW.

- HENRY, STOP IT. - OW.

OKAY, HENRY. CUTE KID.

ANDY, GOT A SEC?

- YEAH. - HENRY.

- WHY ARE YOU WORKING THE PERMITS DESK?

AND WHY WAS THAT CHILD CLUBBING YOUR NUGGETS?

- I'M TRYING TO STOP APRIL FROM TAKING A JOB WITH CHRIS,

SO I'M DOING EVERYTHING SHE HATES DOING FOR THE NEXT MONTH.

- THAT'S GOING TO WORK? - SHE SAID IT MIGHT.

BUT IT'S ALL I GOT, MAN.

GIVE ME THE LIST.

I'LL HELP YOU.

- OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU.

YOU GOT IT.

NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE APRIL.

I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND A WORSE ASSISTANT.

OKAY, THANKS, LESLIE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO DO TODAY

IS HAVE A CHAT WITH BEN WYATT HERE.

- COME ON, BEN. - COME ON, BEN!

- I'M MORE OF A BEHIND THE SCENES KIND OF GUY.

- WELL, IT'S EITHER COME WITH US OR GET IN THE SPANK CHAIR.

SO MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR AN INTERVIEW.

COME ON, EVERYBODY, GIVE HIM A HAND.

- COME ON OVER, BEN. - OH, YEAH.

SO THIS GUY, BEN WYATT,

WE'RE LOOKING HIM UP ON ALTAVISTA.

HE'S FROM SOME HICK TOWN-- PARTRIDGE, MINNESOTA--

AND WHEN HE'S 18, HE'S ELECTED MAYOR.

*

- THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY.

- HE'S 18, BECOMES THE MAYOR,

AND THEN BLOWS THE WHOLE BUDGET ON AN ICE-SKATING RINK.

CITY GOES BANKRUPT.

YOU'RE OUT OF THERE.

- WHAT DID YOU CALL IT AGAIN, BEN?

- WHAT WAS IT CALLED? SAY IT.

ICE TOWN.

- I WAS JUST A-- I WAS A KID,

AND, UM, WHEN YOU--YOU--

YOU END UP GETTING OUT THERE AND, UH--AND THERE'S A--

- OH, I REALLY WISH YOU GUYS COULD SEE THIS GUY RIGHT NOW.

HE IS "DRAUNCHED" IS SWEAT.

- THERE'S--THERE'S ALSO GONNA BE PONIES AT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A CALLER FROM DOUCHE NATION.

ALL RIGHT, TALK TO ME, CALLER. - WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

JUST DOUCHEIN' OVER HERE IN EAGLETON.

SWEET.

- SEEMS LIKE 18 IS PRETTY YOUNG FOR A MAYOR.

WHAT WERE YOU, LIKE, 12? -

THE FUNNY, UM...

WHEN...

I GUESS...

THE FORTUNATE, UM...

CAN WE JUST SORT OF--

- GAME OVER, MAN. GAME OVER.

NICE JOB, MAN.

WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE?

'CAUSE IT CAME OFF THAT WAY.

YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF THE DOUCHE.

- I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS. I JUST--I HAVEN'T HAD TO DEAL

WITH THAT MAYOR STUFF FOR 17 YEARS.

I GUESS I'M NOT TOTALLY OVER IT.

- NO WORRIES. LOOK, IT WAS JUST A BUMP IN THE ROAD.

OKAY.

- FORTUNATELY, THE LESLIE-MOBILE IS AN ALL-TERRAIN VEHICLE.

SO EVERYTHING INVOLVING BEN IS FINE.

I JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE

ABOUT SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAT IS NOT BEN RELATED.

BEN, GOOD JOB.

- YOUR BOY'S A NIGHTMARE. - I KNOW, BUT WE NEED HIM.