George Carlin: Playin' with Your Head

It started out like any other night.

I was feeling good.

I'd just put in a long days work

and I was really sure about this.

It felt tight, no loopholes

but I wasn't about to get cocky.

I'd been down this road before.

Hey where's Billy?

Uh, Mexico.

Yeah, he went on vacation

and asked me to fill in for him

while he was away, yeah.

So you're the great Mike Holder huh?

I know a lot about you.

What are you working on something new there?

Kind of nosy ain't ya?

I'm sorry.

That will be ninety cents Mr. Holder.

There was something fishy about that guy.

Where was Billy?

He couldn't afford Me xico.

Wrong sandwich.

And wrong herb tea.

And my carob snack was all crumbly.

Something was definitely wrong.

Good evening Mr. Holder.

Billy, I thought you were in Me xico.

Me xico?

You better get out of here kid.

Golly, what's wrong Mr. Holder?

I think there's going to be trouble.

Be careful.

Yeah I know.

You take care now.

See ya later.

Just stay home.

I knew there was something fishy.

Who was that delivery guy anyway?

What could he be after?

I thought you said he didn't suspect a thing.

Get him!

Get the envelope!

What are you fuckin' crazy?

Get the car!

Get the car!

You just saw he went over the bump,

couldn't you slow it down a little?

Why don't you put some shocks on this thing?

He's slowin' down.

Wait a minute, he's... Just knock him off the road.

There's something wrong with his car man.

Put me out again.

How ya doing Mr. Holder?

Hey Holder slow it down will ya?

You fellows ain't allowed back there.

Hey, slow down.

Hey long time no see.

Now listen before you make a

big, big mistake

you just give us the envelope.

Come on man, were old pals remember?

Besides you don't want to make

a fool out of yourself do you?

He's right.

Well what do you say?

Give us the envelope.

We'll go have a drink.

We'll talk about the old times.

Come on man, give me the envelope.

I mean all this arguing its really a downer.

You just don't get it do you?

It's over for you guys.

Besides you wouldn't know what to do with this.

Oh you're making a big mistake babe.

Well just watch me.

Babe.

He's going to do it.

He ain't gonna do shit.

Hey... hello... hi there.

Thank you.

Thank you everybody.

Hello.

How ya do?

Howdy, howdy, hi... how are ya?

Thank you, thank you.

That's okay I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya?

How do you do?

How are you doing?

How's it going?

What's going on?

What's new?

What do you think?

What do you hear?

What do you say?

What do you feel?

What's shaking?

What's happening?

Que pasa what's going down what it is?

Well we got all kinds of ways to say hello.

We got lots of ways to say hello.

You know what my favorite one is?

How's your hammer hanging?

That's a good one isn't it?

Doesn't work too well with women you know,

unless your talking to a female carpenter

then it's perfectly all right.

I've always wanted to say that one

to a high church official.

"Good evening your holiness,

how hangs the hammer?"

So far haven't had that opportunity.

Then there's one way to say hello

that I really don't care for,

there's one way I don't like.

You know how some people say to you,

"Are they keeping you busy?"

As if someone has the right

to come up and give me odd jobs.

They say to me, "Are they keeping you busy?"

I say,

"Well your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I'll tell you that."

And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour.

Then we have a lot of ways to say goodbye too.

We've figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye.

We say bye-bye, so long, see ya later,

take it easy, be cool, hang in there.

You know what my favorite one is?

"Don't get run over."

Well some people need practical advice you know?

And some guys will say to you, "Hey have a good one."

I say, "Hey already have a good one.

Now I'm looking for a longer one."

And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour.

Then you have all the foreign ways

to say goodbye.

You know some people when they leave ya

they think they've got to get tricky

and they're whipping Arrivederci on ya.

Avoir or Auf Wiedersehen or adios

or they American version of that one,

"Adios mother fucker."

Or aloha, that's a nice one isn't it, aloha.

They say that in Hawaii of course

and that means hello and goodbye,

which just goes to show

if you spend enough time in the sun

you don't know whether you're coming or going.

And have you noticed this?

Sometimes you'll get in a rut

with the way you say goodbye.

Do you ever find yourself using the same phrase

over and over again with everybody

and you feel a little stupid you know?

Like if you're leaving a party and you have to say

goodbye to five or six people in a row

and you say, "Okay take it easy.

Okay take it easy.

Okay take it easy.

Okay take it easy.

Okay take it easy.

Okay."

You feel like a Goddamn moron you know.

You know what I do?

Every month I change the way I say goodbye.

Whether I need to or not

every month I start using a different phrase.

People like that.

They notice that little e xtra effort.

They don't say to me, "Pardon me,

but didn't you used to say, 'Okay, take it easy?"

I say, "Yes I did but not any more.

Now I say farewell.

Farewell till we meet again.

Peace be with you.

May the forces of evil

become confused on the way to your house."

That's a strong one isn't it?

People will remember you if you talk like that.

Or sometimes you can combine several ways to

say goodbye that don't seem to go together like,

"Toodleloo, go with God

and don't take any wooden nickels."

Then people don't know

what the fuck you're talking about.

Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner.

"So long S teve.

Don't let self-doubt interfere with your plans to improve your life."

Well some people need practical advice.

Now here's a situation you run into all the time.

You notice how when you're leaving someone

a lot of times they'll give you a message

to give to someone else?

Like they say, "Give my love to Klause.

Tell Klause Rebecca sends her love."

Do you mind that?

Do you mind being used that way?

Do you mind the awesome responsibility

of having to carry Rebecca's love to Klause?