Baby Daddy

And just when they thought all hope was lost...

Hi. Oh no. Am I too late? Did I miss storytelling?

No, no. We're just getting to the good part.

So, he turned up the music, threw a raging party...

Yeah!

And fell in love with a hooker.

Oh, I get to be the hooker.

Whoo.

And that wraps up tonight's edition

of drive-in with daddy.

Wow. "Risky Business."

Kind of threw me there, 'cause I thought tonight's movie was "Goldilocks."

Oh, well,

Tucker was tired of being the baby bear.

Well, I do enjoy these father-daughter moments.

And in fact, you've kind of inspired me

to find my own biological father.

Which by the way, I have.

No way!

Yes, way. Well, ever since

I found out that aunt Margot actually gave birth to me,

I've wanted to know who he is,

but my mom forbid Margot from saying anything.

So my dad slipped me his old yearbook

and said "page 37, Mark Clements.

That's the bastard who knocked up your aunt Margot."

I love my dad.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,

parents arriving momentarily.

Next stop, dysfunction junction.

And they're here.

Let the judging begin.

- Tucker. - Dad.

Wait, where's mom?

See, I told her you'd notice.

I said, "Joanne, the boy's gonna notice."

Dad, what's going on? Is something wrong?

Not at all.

Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

So...

Then the three little bears, trying to avoid a very awkward situation,

all took Goldilocks to bed. Let's go.

You know, the big one isn't wearing pants.

Divorced?

Dude, I cannot believe I'm going to be from a broken home.

Well, technically four broken homes

if you count our vacation properties.

I know what you're going through, bud.

When my parents got divorced, it was horrible.

The constant shuttling back and forth,

splitting holidays,

never really knowing where to call home.

You were 24.

Hey, maybe I can talk to your dad.

I'm sure whatever happened was his fault.

I could certainly point that out to him for you.

I don't know. I mean, if someone's gonna

give my dad advice about marriage,

shouldn't it be someone who was good at it?

Hey, I was brilliant at it.

He was gay at it.

Well, my mom says he's too uptight at it.

Too uptight?

Now that I could fix.

That's a good idea.

Dude, I can fix him.

I just need to loosen him up a bit,

and nobody is more laid back than me.

Dude, would it kill you to use a coaster?

Oh, and remember to scrub that for a full 20 seconds

using circular motions.

He's hilarious.

Like I'm gonna wash this.

What are we gonna do?

Tucker doesn't have a laid back bone in his body.

I know. He caught me reading his journal

and he got all mad about it.

Maybe you could go out with Mr. Dobbs.

You know, loosen him up. Show him a good time.

Well, I think the no fun police has plans of his own.

It could be our little secret.

Like your hair color and your real age.

Good morning. Hey, mom,

I was just flipping through your old yearbook.

I didn't know you were voted "most likely to be a grandma before the age of 50."

On behalf of Emma, you're welcome.

See this. Ahh.

Dated him,

dated him,

way more than dated him.

God, we had some hot teachers at school.

Where'd you get this?

Uh, Riley left it here.

She's trying to track down her biological father.

Oh, David Brinkerhoff?

Uh, no. Mark Clements.

Margot's old boyfriend.

Oh, no no no. Mark and Margot

may have been going steady,

but Margot and David were going all the way.

Oh my God, really?

I gotta go stop Riley from calling the wrong guy daddy.

But first, I gotta take care of the girl who calls me daddy.

Or at least she should be. Seriously, it's not that hard.

Da-da. Da-da.

Okay, I tried.

Ben, hi.

Oh, Riley. Good you're here.

Sorry if I pulled you out of court.

Oh, shoot.

I knew I had something to do today.

Sorry, I've just been so busy working on my bio dad file.

Everything there is to know about Mark Clements is in here.

Yeah, about that...

Married twice, divorced once, two sons,

so there's still an opening for daddy's little girl.

And oh, get this. Get this.

He's a successful, high powered, Manhattan attorney.

Hello? Chip meet block.

Or rush meet judgment.

He was also a high school jock, me.

President of his college debate club, me.

And allergic to shellfish.

Me me me.

I'm so excited.

Well, how would you like to be twice as excited?

- What do you mean? - Well, according to my mom,

there's a second contestant

in this round of "who's your daddy?"

His name's David Brinkerhoff.

Oh my God. No.

No no no no.

I am absolutely positive that Mark is my father.

David is a pastry chef and owns his own bakery.

Oh my God, it might be him.

What am I gonna do now?

I have to start a whole new file.

Or we could just go check them out in person.

Ben, I can't just walk into some guy's bakery

and be like "oh, hey. I'll have two dozen cupcakes

and some DNA."

No.

But an engaged couple from Yonkers

who's looking for someone to make their wedding cake can.

Yeah, but where are we gonna find a couple like that?

Oh oh.

- You mean us. - Yeah.

Oh, I like that. Okay.

Well...

Thank you for a lovely evening.

This really is the city that never sleeps.

Especially not at 9:00 pm.

Though it sure feels like I pulled an all nighter.

It's also the city where everything you touch

is just a little sticky.

Ahh. Okay.

- So, well? - Well, nothing.

He's tighter than the jeans on the left side of my closet.

Never say die.

Look, honey, I tried. But there is no

loosening up that lug nut.

Night, Marshall.

You're on your own.

So, Mr. Dobbs.

Daniel, I have to thank you.

That was the best date I've been on in thirty years.

Whoo. Whoo.

Um, date, what?

I really appreciate you setting me up.

Setting you up? I never set you up.

- What about your wife? - You mean the death star?

She hates me.

But that Bonnie,

she makes me feel alive again.

I mean, just look at me.

I'm as giddy as a school boy.

No no, you can't see my mom.

What about Tucker?

I didn't realize he had his eye on her too.

No! No no no no. The divorce.

I'm sure Tucker's not gonna want to see you dating my mom.

Oh. Well then, we should just keep this between us for now.

Hey, dad. I'm glad you're back.

Listen, I thought we could go on a little bar crawl

and really get crazy, right?

But we're gonna need to be there before 9:15

if we're gonna follow my itinerary.

Now let's loosen up this tie.

- Don't touch my tie, damn it. - I'm sorry, sir.

Oh my God, this is so weird.

I mean, at first I was positive it was Mark,

but now I think it might actually be David.

He's married, no kids,

he has a dog named sprinkles.

I love sprinkles.

And like me, he may have had

a slight weight problem in high school.

Slight?

May?

Punch.