The Simpsons

Aah!

*THE SIMPSONS* Season 29 Episode 11 Title: "Frink Gets Testy"

D'oh!

Is she gonna be okay, Doc?

She's just fine.

- And here's the baby. - Oh...

I know how to hold one of these.

D'oh!

You're watching The Learning Network,

where minds grow.

Stay tuned for...

Apocalypse Week,

Ebola Meteor,

Nukes of Hazard,

Jesus Christ Superstorm,

But first... Nostradamus: The man who saw the future.

The following film, made in 1982,

was thought to be lost forever.

Actually, it was misplaced in a box

for the comedy Doctor Detroit.

But its predictions are more terrifying than ever.

Hello, I'm Orson... Welles,

director of Citizen Kane...

Boring.

As well as the lower left-hand square

on Hollywood Squares.

Ooh, right next to Ruth Buzzi.

In 1555, the prophet Nostradamus

foretold a terrifying series of predictions,

all of which came to pass.

First, his own death. Second,

large wars in Europe, similar to the large wars

he observed in Europe.

And the breakup of Fleetwood Mac.

But Nostradamus's final quatrain contained

one more prediction yet to come:

that shortly after the Antichrist becomes president...

A Flaming mushroom spreads across the sky.

This champagne is terrible.

It tastes like dryer sheets.

But what does said mushroom signify?

Nothing less than World War III.

Ugh, who'd fall for this malarkey?

Smithers, I'm scared.

Release the comforting hounds.

Oh, excellent. Now, make them into rugs.

Anyone left alive will surely find themselves envying...

Who? Who could we possibly envy?

- The dead. - Aah!

Smithers, the end is nigh, and we must prepare.

Round up this town's greatest minds.

- Should I order pizza? - Uh-huh.

One large cheese, double-cut.

Attention, fellow members _

of the Springfield chapter of Mensa.

Mr. Burns has called us here

to solve an unknown problem of global importance.

But first, Tri-Ominoes!

I say we write and solve our own acrostics.

Yes, after we recite all the words

in the Declaration of Independence

in alphabetical order.

All: A, A, A, A, A, A.

- Abdicated. Abolish. Abolishing. - Abdicated. Abolish. Abolishing.

- Absolute. Absolved. - Absolute. Absolved.

Silence, you thinkertons.

I summoned you here because the world is about to end.

No, it isn't. What are you afraid of?

Global warming?

A.I.? Some sort of plague?

As smarty-pantalones, I am asking you to help with

the Montgomery Burns Doomsday Ark.

This space vehicle will lead humanity's best and brightest

to a better life under my stern rule.

Oh, gee heavens.

Will there be someone for your more personal needs?

Concubines. Many concubines.

I'll work my way in.

I need you to tell me who is worthy

of surviving the apocalypse with me.

I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Burns, this is what Mensa does best...

make everyone else feel stupid.

The only word in English

with three consecutive double letters is...

- Oh, um... - Um...

Um, "gooseberry."

No, "coffee." Coffee-oo.

- Uh, balloon-an-ing. - Bookkeeper.

- Damn it. - Ha!

It's simple. All we need to do is

give everyone in town an IQ test.

The highest scores get on the ark...

Mensa members grandfathered in.

Sounds good to me.

Grandfathered!

Not so fast. Flavin.

Being intelligent people, I am quite sure

that you will take this well.

IQs are meaningless.

Heresy!

I have the ultimate test

that measures something far more significant:

your overall worth as a human.

Impossible.

Intelligence is the only quotient

that tells you how important you are.

Ask any of us who did well on a test we took when we were six.

Well, you may be the brightest, but you are not the best.

Your worthiness as a human being is best measured, people,

by the Personal Value Quotient. That's P.V.Q.

Oh! Ow! All right, enough with the pelting

and the bonking and the compass in my neck.

Garvik. In order to defuse

your obvious hostilities,

I will make my presentation entertaining, all right?

With a one, and a two, and a 3.14159.

Forgive me if it seems like I'm attacking,

but I find the old IQ test

badly lacking.

If you want to find out just what someone can do,

you need to learn that subject's P.V.Q.

- Oh, please... - My, my, well, thank you.

- Uh-huh. - Hmm...

Oivik!

Anyone have a song in rebuttal?

Oh, balderdash.

We're going with this man's test.

- Oh, wonderful. - To determine who is worthy

of a seat on my ark.

Uh, but, sir, how do we get everyone in town

to take a test without telling them what it's about?

Mandatory test.

Mandatory test!

Mandatory for everyone not ringing a bell.

What's the point of this test again?

The way I look at it, the more things

secret corporations know about us, the better, huh?

I like when drones show up bringing me things

I needed but didn't know.

Hmm.

Wow, I am out of deodorant.

We all knew.

Remove all stray marks.

Number two pencil only.

And for God's sake, relax! _

This question asks about the price of underwear,

as if I were some landed aristocrat.

Hey, can I copy off you?

Be my guest.

"Day is to night as early is to..."

Late. Booyah!

Booyah!

Booyah!

The one test I don't bring my earmuffs.

The results are in.

The newest and most accurate measure

of our intelligence on a scale from one to 500...

500 being best.

- Boring. - Don't shut it off.

I need my score.

Thank you.

Now we'll run everyone's scores past the screen really fast,

from best to worst, trusting that you'll pause

at only your name.

Pause it!

475, my sweet spot. Excellent.

But room to improve.

What?! I am one below Ralph? Ralph?

Honey, it doesn't mean Ralph's smarter than you.

It just means he's a more valuable person.

- Ralph? - Keep scrolling.

Ooh, 311.

Above average, but not enough to make people mad.

And, it's the number you call to complain about potholes.

Ooh. "H. Simpson: 265."

Exactly the number of days in a year.

Well, that's good. Let's change the channel.

But we don't know your score.

Like I said, that's good.