Sebastian Maniscalco: What's Wrong with People?

Please welcome Sebastian Maniscalco.

So good, so good to be here, man.

What a year.

Guys, you should know anything about me,

I gotta problem with people

and how they behave, you know?

I kinda grew up with like, a list of rules to kinda live by.

My parents kinda gave me a book on how to live,

and apparently, nobody got the book.

Went to Starbucks, every day that's all I do,

is I watch people and I get upset, I can't take it.

I'm at the Starbucks, this woman ordered a scone,

a muffin, I dunno what the hell it was,

but they gave it to her in a brown bag

and then she was eating it, she was like

fingering the muffin outta the bag.

Take it outta the bag!

Get a plate! What the!

What are you eating, crumbs?

I can't take, everywhere I go there's a problem.

You can't even go to the mall.

I used to go to the mall all the time,

it was a nice place to kinda unwind,

but now they got these little,

these huts in the middle of the mall,

these little kiosks, what is this?

I don't buy anything out of a hut.

I don't even know if the hut's gonna be there tomorrow

if I have a problem with the product.

These things are on wheels,

they can be three miles down the road

in no time.

But we used to own that part of the mall,

that's where we made decisions,

in the middle of the mall, right?

We used to go with your family,

used to go, "Where you going?"

"I'm going to Sears. Where you going?"

"JCPenney. We meet back here in one hour."

Now you can't do that, because you see a hut,

you'll be walking with your girl,

you'll look up there, you're like,

"Come on.

"What do we gotta put up with?

"What is this hut?"

'Cause these people that work in the huts are aggressive.

These sales techniques are very aggressive.

You ever get attacked with cream?

Man, you'll be walking, out of nowhere,

"You wanna try cream?

"Try cream, it's good, it's from Israel, it's good cream."

It's hand lotion.

They act like they got something

that we've never seen before.

Who's trying the cream and going,

"My God!

"I'm soft, what the hell is this?

"You have bottles of this back there?"

Weird stuff are happening in these huts.

They're threading eyebrows, have you seen this?

A woman is laying down, and someone's just.

There's eyebrows shrapnel flying everywhere.

Landed in my Auntie Anne's.

World is changing, man.

After a while, went to Subway.

Why is this a problem, getting a sandwich?

It's a sandwich.

I got behind a lady, it looked like

it was her first time out ever.

Just a look of confusion, bewilderment.

Came up to the counter.

"How does this work here?

"What do you do?"

It says, "Step one: pick bread."

You don't see that?

How do you make a sandwich at home?

What, do you start throwing ham all over the table?

Pick the bread!

And she saw the condiments,

her head almost popped off her body.

She was sitting there looking at the condiments,

telling the guy, "Not that tomato!

"No, the third one underneath that one on the side.

"I want that tomato."

It's not a puppy.

Making up the, there's rules at Subway you gotta follow.

This woman's like, "I don't want any of those

"cucumbers or olives, so double up on the turkey."

It don't work that way!

The sandwich is $5, there's a net profit

of four cents on that!

And you want double meat for no veg?

And I feel for the guy working there.

Gotta sit there and listen to this all day.

He's like, "I can't do it! I can't do it!

"They got cameras, they're looking at me!

"Come on, what do you want?!"

I got no patience for this.

Just keep it moving.

When you're out just,

just keep.

I don't hold it up.

They guys asked me, "What do you want on your sandwich?"

I told him, "Run it through the garden."

It's everywhere you go.

Grocery store, that's always a problem, right?

Customer service, they gave up.

They grocery store gave up on us.

They put in self-express checkout lanes.

They basically said, "You know what?

"You do it."

Why am I working at the grocery store now?

Do you ever look over there?

Nobody knows what's going on.

It's a bundle of confusion, right?

There's always a guy sitting there

with like, some artichokes going, "Hahh?"

We weren't properly trained on this machine.

Those people go through a three-week training

on this computer, and we're just jumping in on that?

Again, I never wanna be the problem, okay?

So, my grocery store is open 24 hours a day.

You know what I did?

I went in at 3AM.

Nobody there.

I did a self-training on this machine.

I got all the different screens down,

I memorized some of my favorite items,

four-one-six-two: bananas.

I know this stuff.

So on a Saturday at 3 o'clock in the afternoon

when it's packed, I'm cooking.

I'm helping out other people.

But I was in the human line, I'm sitting there.

My line ain't moving.

Had a price check, you ever get this?

They're sitting there, they scan the steak.

Price doesn't show up.

Now they have to turn and ask Timmy, the bagger,

to go and find out what the t-bone steak costs.

And that person's always like, "Yes, Timmy,

"could you please, please go find out for me?"

And now you hear the whole line just get deflated

and pissed off at this one person

because they didn't pick out the right steak.

I never wanna be the problem.

If they scan my steak and it doesn't show up,

you know what I tell the cashier?

"Forget it, I don't need it, keep it going."

You think I'm gonna wait for Timmy?

Timmy don't even know he's working.

This kid leaves here, he ain't coming back.

Was there even an interview with this kid?

I dunno, I'm looking at the bagger,

he's got a rainbow mohawk, right?

Then he's got this, I dunno what it is,

if it's an earring, you ever see this?

It looked like somebody took a shotgun

and blew a hole through his ear

and then they put magnets in his earlobe.

Do you know what would happen to me

if I ever came home as a kid

with magnets hanging outta my ear?

My father would throw me against the refrigerator.

So I'm in line, I'm,

I dunno, trying to be green.

It's hard, okay?

I got plastic this time, right?

And the whole line got upset.

I could tell the whole line got upset at me

with the plastic bags.

I go, "Yeah, plastic."

and the whole line's like,

"He's not green!"

'Cause they all brought their bag

made outta wheat.

You know what I do when I see that?

"Double bag it."

It's hot, I get frustrated when I talk about this stuff.

You ever see somebody leave the grocery store

and the alarm go off?

That alarm constantly goes off.

People walk off, right?

And all of a sudden they hear,

And what do they always tell you?

"You're good!

"Go ahead!

"You're good!"

You can have nine steaks down your pants.

"Go ahead, take off!

"Steal it!"

So you get heated, man.

When you're out.

Gotta stop often to cool off.

What's with, this whole town's going nuts with yogurt.

What's going on with yogurt?

Everybody's dying for yogurt.

They see a Pinkberry, they're like,

"I wanna go get some Pinkberry."

I'm not a yogurt guy, but I had to go look