Royal Crackers

And finally, I'd like to dedicate

The Hottest Woman Ever award to my fellow nominees.

Nikki, Emily? It's been an honor to be nominated alongside you.

Move it, Deb, I gotta take a fat piss!

Jesus! What is wrong with you!?

Now that I got the zPad, I pee sitting down.

What are you wearing, dude?

If you're gonna walk around in pajamas, put on a Snuggie. You look gross!

Oh, really? You might want to keep your headphones on tonight

if you don't wanna be kept awake

by the rhythmic banging of Stebe and I's headboard.

No can do. This baby came with a free trial of zMusic.

I'm taking my dad through the entire TainT discography tonight.

Got a long night ahead of us.

Showtime. Hope Stebe's ready to lambaste me with some disgusting dirty talk.

Oh, hey, Deb. I'm watching a news piece about schools censoring

"Huck Finn"'s aggressive use of the N-word.

Oh, hey. Ya like what you see?

It's a hot-button issue, but Twain did say it was meant to challenge the reader.

The lingerie, Stebe!

You know, actually, I'm not... I'm not sure I'm up for that, Deb.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm just a little... tired. Yeah, that's it. Tired.

Will I ever be normal again?

Look at this fat tub of shit.

Hey, it's okay! I can say it, 'cause that tub of shit is me.

Hi! I'm Keith, founder of MyCycle, a new, fun, virtual, meditative exercise

that connects you with other riders supporting each other

in obtaining that perfect body and achieving maximum zen.

So join me and my hand picked group of elite riders as we personally lead you

towards a spiritual awakening. See you there, Deb.

So we're 3 albums deep and can't miss.

Now Bakersfield's golden boys were gonna send shockwaves through the industry

with "A TainT NuMetal Clit-mas"!

Eighteen original tracks for the holiday season.

Track one? "All I Want For Christmas is NU"!

What?

Stop playing me this fucking shit!

Does this mean my super-old dad doesn't like NuMetal?

Guess who's home early!

Deb? Deb? What's going on in there?

Deshaun!

Deb! Why didn't you tell me we were having Deshaun over, dude?

Deb called me about that leak downstairs.

Your culprit's right here behind this drywall.

Stebe, you can't let these things go, man. You could get mold.

Alright, guys, you're doing great!

Hey! Deb! Who's that clown on the bicycle screen in our bedroom?!

Stebe, relax. It's Keith, my MyCycle trainer.

Alright, everybody, focus on my rock-hard glutes.

Follow their rhythm.

What is this filth? And what the hell do you need an exercise bike for?

Maybe to give my body more attention than you ever do.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You want me to step out?

- No! - You need to hear this, Deshaun.

Stebe, some of us aren't blessed with the ability to sneak into the kitchen,

scarf down pizza pockets at 2:00 a.m., and wake up with the same sexy dad bod.

- I have to work for my dad bod. - What?

You're gonna tell me you haven't been late night snacking?

You promised you'd quit with me!

You're losing your mind, Deb! I'm worried about you, seriously!

I'm seriously worried about you. I'm not listening to this crap!

Oh, that sounds like quite the Adam Sandler film, Tomothy.

I am a Adam Sandler fiend.

Do you wanna watch me take a shower?

After a laugh like that, I could use a rinse.

So what do you think of our facilities, Tomothy?

Your technology is like nothing I've ever seen.

And it's all fueled by our very own patented zEnergy...

a reliable, self-sustaining fuel source

generated and harnessed entirely under this roof.

Is there a problem, Tomothy?

- No? - Then welcome to the Zeebos family!

Really? Thank you, Mr. Zeebos.

Tomothy, you are now one of my children.

Actually, I prefer Tom.

This was going beautifully!

I took a shower in front of you!

Put my genitals in your face! And you said nothing!

But you couldn't just accept the name I generously bestowed upon you?

I'm sorry! Tomothy is fine.

If I plan on making zEnergy the preferred fuel source across the globe,

then I need an unpaid intern with blind loyalty.

Not an insubordinate who refuses to go by Tomothy!

I need this zPad fixed stat!

Sir, this is our main office. If you broke your zPad,

I can provide directions to our nearest customer-friendly zStore...

I'm no customer, lady. I account for upwards of 500 plays on your music app.

I'm basically a shareholder. I'll take a shit in the Koi pond if I want to!

Oh, you're kicking me out now? I didn't even do nothing!

I'm not having a meltdown! I'm a master of burying my emotions.

It's why my dad loves me. And my art.

Understood. Father wishes to see him.

You work for your dad? Shaking my damn head!

Alright! Almost there!

- We're close! - Yes!

It's happening!

That's it!

Great ride, everybody! Same time tomorrow, alright?

Hey, Deb? Hey, do you mind taking a private ride with me?

Actually, Keith, I'm a bit... tired.

Yeah. I overstepped. I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, huh?

No, no! I guess I could handle one more ride.

So I have a confession to make. My eyes were locked on your feed all session.

For training purposes!

This weekend I'm hosting our Elite Retreat, exclusively for elite riders.

We do it every year at my humble abode just outside Bakersfield.

You should join us!

I'd really love for you to come. To the retreat!

- Mom? - What?! I didn't do nothing!

What?!

Hey! Where am I, asshole?

Why, you're in the future!

Pure, clean, zEnergy!

I am George Zeebos.

But in this building, I'm known simply as "Father."

Hello, Theon Hornsby.

The name's Theo, dickhead!

How about a test of strength? Can you pick up the two cans in front of you?

You wanna see strength?

Check out some footage of me in the pit at Woodstock '94!

I can't let go!

- State your name. - Theo!

- Say it again. - Theo.

- Once more. - Theo.

- Are you happy? - Yeah.

- Are you happy? - Yes?

- Are you happy? - I said yes!

Are you lonely?

You're projecting, dude. You're totally projecting.

- Are you mad your father broke your zPad? - What?

Are you mad your father hates your music?

- What are you talking about, dude? - Do you want a father who values you?

- You're crazy, man. - Do you want a father who values you?

More than anything!

Would you like to be my new unpaid intern, Theon Hornsby?

Yes... Father.

Deb! Deb, where are you going?

Oh, I'm going on a weekend retreat for MyCycle.

Guess I'm an elite rider now. Not bad, huh?

- But who's gonna order dinner? - Yeah, we need to eat, Deb.

Order your own god damn dinner! Love ya!

Don't fuck Keith!

- You like your salad? - Yeah. It's good.

- Where's Uncle Theo? - Alright, that's enough small talk, okay?

If we're gonna get through this weekend, I need some peace and quiet during dinner.

Can you just give me that... Hey! Deshaun! Chef BoyarDeshaun in the house!

D's Signature Spicy Lasagna, fresh out of the oven.