Stag

This programme contains strong language.

This programme contains scenes which

some viewers may find disturbing.

Yes!

You shouldn't be here.

Cheers. I'll be two minutes.

Ah!

Aah! Ah-ah. Oh!

Evening.

Good evening. Um...

I'm with the stag party from London. Are they here yet?

Angus! Johnners!

Holy crap!

Hello...

mate.

It's Ian.

Your future... brother-in-law.

I'm here for the stag.

'This is bullshit.'

He's taken Christophe's place.

Christophe's not coming? Didn't reply to the e-mails.

What about Runcie?

Runcie's still in prison.

This is the best we could come up with.

Listen, Ledge, I know it's tradition to have a stripper,

and I know it's tradition to book a dwarf,

but let's not combine the two, eh? It's freaking me out.

You're Ledge?

Your invite said black tie.

Bring it - not arrive in it.

And what happened to meeting at the crossroads?

It's raining is what happened.

I sent the man to fetch you.

Hey!

I'm not joking. Put it in a cab.

Thank you.

Next time we dine, it'll be on fresh venison. Right, guys?

Everyone, everybody, listen. Chaps,

chaps, chaps, chaps! Stag's talking!

When the stag's talking, shut the hell up. That's a rule, OK?

Mexico, write it down.

OK. Everybody, this is Ian. Er, Fran's big brother.

How small is Fran?

Ian, this is Ledge.

Best man. Oldest buddy.

Ludgrove. Harrow. Durham. Deutsche Bank.

This is Mexican. He works on the

floor below us. Aitken. Prep school.

Neils, he works for the Copenhagen office.

Yeah! Denmark!

Cosmo, er, known him since halls.

Does... something in the media.

Development producer.

Then, of course, there's Wendy, who looks after our books.

Oh, what, like some sort of freelance librarian?

No. He's just our accountant.

Ah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah.

Ooh. Actually...

Sorry, I ordered a non-meat option.

On a hunting holiday?

Well, to be honest, I won't be taking part in any of the...

death.

I'm not a blood sportsman.

A blood sports man.

What the hell are you doing here, then?

Uh... Er, Ian was just telling me

how he was going to drink you all under the table.

"Pussies" was the word I think he used.

Oooh! Oh! Oh!

Wendy...

You better knock that back. You're on catch-up.

Perky pinkie, don't forget. Sorry, what?

You have to have your little finger

up when you drink. Stag rules.

All right.

Hurray!

Ah. I'm not a big drinker, to be honest. That was...

Plus, the gamekeeper's outside.

Seemed like he wanted to get going.

Then, you'd better drink up.

Hey! 'Hey! Just checking you found the guys all right?'

I did do. 'Yeah. They take a bit of working out, don't they?'

Not for me. I've only been with them five minutes

and I already know exactly what kind of guys they are.

There you go. For 2K, all-in,

we're guaranteed a weekend's worth

of pure man-shit, my friends.

Sleeping rough, hanging tough,

stalking a prime red deer stag across the Highlands

and shooting it in the tits.

Come on!

Of course, I know the REAL reason you're ringing. 'You do?'

You're worried I'm going to lead

Angus astray. 'Ha-ha! Yeah, right.

'Seriously, Ian, I need your help on this.

'Can you just look after him for me?'

You want ME to look after HIM?

'We've not been together that long.

'I don't know his mates that well.

'Or what they've got in store for him.'

Fran... 'I mean, is he even dressed appropriately?

'Just promise me you'll make sure he comes back in one piece.'

Fran. He'll be fine. 'Promise me.' Promise.

'Ian!'

I promise.

OK. Bye. Bye.

They've left without paying.

Oh! I'll go and get them.

No, you won't.

What's to say you won't just leave with them?

It's not really my bill, anyway. I've hardly drunk anything.

You've drunk the most.

£580?

W-what...?

Come on, then.

Play on, Centurion.

I'm just waiting on a connection. Yeah.

Argh!

Wait!

You forgot me! Hey, guys! Wait!

Guys! You forgot me!

Guys!

Aw. Shall we let him in? Nah. Fuck him!

Come on, then! Come on, then!

'Cromarty, Forth. Southwest seven to severe gale nine.

'Bearing west. Gale eight to storm ten.

'Rain...'

What about some music?

Message In A Bottle by The Police.

Whoo! Yeah!

Right. La questionnaire. 40

questions about Tom Thumb's sister.

What she's like in the sack and so on.

Oh! Hit me, hit me!

Right. Question numero uno. When's Fran's birthday?

Oh! Come on! Too easy.

He doesn't know.

I do. But it's boring.

Where are the good questions?

Come on!

OK. Numero... two.

Gillette, Tussauds, or Sherwood?

Oh! Whoo!

I don't understand.

Your sister's front garden.

Is it Gillette, Tussauds or the Forest of Sherwood?

Her private parts! Is she shaven, waxed, or unkempt?

Urgh! I'm not gonna answer that!

He's not saying he doesn't know! Oh!

No!

River says no.

Pardon me?

She's flooded and we're too heavy.

This is the only way in.

There'll be no hunting this weekend.

Now, hang on, matey. What are we paying you for?

If we'd been here earlier, there wouldn't have been a problem.

We would have been here earlier

if we didn't have to wait for the Penguin.

Yeah, 003.5. Croupier Gollum.

I was late because you left me at the meeting point, right?

Just like you let me in the pub when I was busy paying your bill.

All £600 of it.

So, let's be clear, you've never waited for me once.

Oooh!

Guys! Stag's talking, everyone.

There's bound to be a lot of banter this weekend. OK, it's us,

so it comes with the territory, but keep it light, OK?

No-one need get injured. Have a

little respect for your fellow man.

Driver!

Is there any way, any way at all, we can get across

this "wee burn" here?

Right.

When you're all across, I'll follow in the vehicle.

If you do get washed away and you survive,

make sure you get out this side.

There's far fewer stags this side of the water.

Stags are good, though, aren't they?

Not without a gun, they're not.

And when will we be allowed to have one of those?

Out of interest.

If a stag sees you,

he'll either attack you

if he thinks you're a rival.

Or if he thinks you're a female...

he will rape you.

Any questions?

Is this definitely the only way?

No.

We can cross at the old dam but

that's a seven-hour hike from there.

Um...

Er, how do we get back again?

When the river lets you.

So, ITV2 are this close to commissioning.

How To Look Good Homeless,

and I'm marooned in some Third-World

grotto that can't even muster 2G!

It's a travesty.