It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

All right, try to get it all the way up under her nose.

- All-all the way... I'm just trying to stick it in her mouth.

under her nose should do it and let it kind of waft up.

Oh, she's starting to wake up.

- There she... there we go! - Wakey, wakey, Dee!

Good, because I'm getting sick of trying to keep

the-the hair out of the soup.

It's not soup, it's stew, okay, and you...

Same thing, don't correct me.

Soup or stew, you shouldn't feed it

to an unconscious person.

Yeah, but I'm trying to use it to wake her up.

Look, she's not gonna eat it, I'm telling you.

It's not gonna wake her up; I mean,

I don't think stew has any arousing components.

What are you talking about?! The smells...

What is this? What's going on?

the flavors! That's the whole point

of getting the stew in the first place.

Wha-What is this? Where am I?

All right, Dee, remember yesterday when you were waving

that first-class ticket to Ireland in our faces

and bragging about that acting gig that you got?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Then you drank yourself

into a stupor and passed out?

I... oh... o-okay.

Yeah, well, uh, good news.

We took that one first-class ticket,

divided it into five coach tickets.

And then gave you just enough sleeping pills

to keep you blissfully asleep so you could enjoy the flight

and wake up here in Dublin fully rested.

No. No, you didn't! You didn't do this.

This-this can't be happening, no.

-Yeah, no, we did. That's exactly what we did. -

We absolutely did. Because we wanted to be supportive.

- No, you didn't! - Because we are always there for each other.

-No, we're not! -Right, guys? In good times and in bad.

We are. - And speaking of time, um, you are late.

- You got about 15 minutes to get to that TV studio. - Oh, God.

- No, no, no, no. Good thing you woke up.

- This can't be happening... - Well, slow down now.

- Hey, be sure to look to the right if you go in the road! - Be careful out there.

'Cause they drive on the other side here!

- No, no, no, no, no. No. -

Oh, goddamn it!

Taxi? Oh, taxi!

- Taxi! Taxi! -

Car! Yeah, I see it, Frank,

- I can handle the driving. - Oh, just go faster, goddamn it!

I can't believe you guys did this to me.

Oh, my God, Dee, we are driving you to work, okay?

We-we brought you to Ireland. We brought you here, okay?

We didn't have to do that. Do you know how hard

it was to get you through customs?

- It was wicked hard, yeah. - We're doing this for you!

Whatever, okay, I think the studio's right up here.

I'll call you guys around 6:00 or whenever I'm off.

- Why? - So you can pick me up.

- What? - Dee, we're taking time

out of our Irish vacation to drive you to work,

now you want us to pick you up?

"Vacation"? You just said you were here for me!

Well, yeah, we're here for you,

but we're also here for our vacation.

Yeah, I'm back in the motherland finally!

I've always wanted to trace back my family lineage.

I mean, as the most Irish person here, I really think...

Wait a minute, wait, whoa, whoa, dude, I'm Irish.

Well, yeah, but you're not as Irish as me.

I could be. You don't know that.

- How do you know that? - Charlie, I have

a shamrock tattooed on my thigh.

-So what? -I'm gonna show it to you! You want to see it?!

-No, stop it! You're squishing me! -Car! Car!

- I see the car, stop! Mac, stop! - Goddamn it.

- You're kicking my seat, okay? - That was close.

Keep your stupid, ugly shamrock tattoo in your pants.

Why did you have to get the teeny, tiniest car possible?

- It is small. - I'm getting squished back here

and just sucking in diesel fumes.

What did you want me to do, Dee?

Did you want me to rent a big obnoxious American truck

like-like that one over there?

That's exactly what we're trying to get away from.

Okay, you know, the-the tiny car,

that's all part of the charm of-of Europe.

You know, like driving on the left-hand side of the road.

Dangerous for Americans like you.

But, you know, it's authentic and,

and that's what I want, that's what I'm going for.

- An authentic Irish... -

- Get fucked! - Oh!

Irish experience.

Okay, just pull over, all right?

Just pull over and let me out! I'll walk.

You goddamn bastards!

Here I am! "Obnoxious American MILF" reporting for duty, sir!

You're late. You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

I know, I know, I hit a little bit of traffic.

But if you think about it, you know, in a way,

I feel like the character would be late, too,

so it's not really that big of a...

You're lucky this time... Production's running behind,

so we don't need you for another hour.

Ah, thank God, okay.

Jesus Christ. What happened to you?

Ah! Ow.

: Well, that's

that's a doozy, isn't it?

We can't shoot you like that... It-it's disturbing!

Well, it's not, it's not even real.

It-It's just makeup.

It's makeup left over from the show

- I did this morning. - That's makeup?

Yep, nothing to it but a little latex and blush.

You know, I just forgot to... wash... it off.

Um, you know, probably 'cause I never wear makeup in real life.

'Cause natural beauty. I'll tell you what, um, since

I do have a little time, I should just pop out and wash

my face real quick and-and come right back, it's not a big deal.

Go on, just go on. Be back in an hour.

- And don't be late again. - Absolutely. I won't be late.

I'm one wet wipe away from being your MILF.

Can we get cracking here, people, come on!

Oh, you're gonna want to F this so bad!

This is so exciting.

- Yeah. - I already feel like I'm home.

I cannot wait to see the house that my dad grew up in.

- Apparently it's been in my family for generations. - Oh.

- Cool. Yeah, I mean, I dig it here, man. - Yeah.

You know, you get all the comforts of Philly.

You got drunks, you got Irish people, you got, um...

I guess that's the same thing, but, like,

you also get, like, the magical mystical element of this place,

you know, you get the banshees and the spirits and the sprites!

And Shelley! Shelley's here, which is pretty cool.

All of those things are made up, including Shelley.

- Shelley's not made up. - He's your imaginary friend

- that you've had since you were a kid. - Dude, he's not my

imaginary friend, he's my pen pal, okay?

And he's Irish, that's why his name is Shelley.

A pen pal that writes to you

in a magical language.

Dude, the guy's real, okay? And this is why

- I know more about Ireland than you do. - Hey, stop!

Stop right there, all right?

This is why Irish people hate Americans.

You've got, like, two percent Irish in you,

and you think you know more about Ireland than me?

Do you have a shamrock tattoo somewhere on your body? No.

I do, because that's my primary identity.

Number one, Irish. Number two, gay.

Number three, badass.

You're none of those things,

so you should be talking of none of them.

Are talking about what you identify as

or what you actually are?

They're the same thing now, Charlie.

And I can have you canceled for even suggesting otherwise.

- No, right. - I have the power to do that.

Because I'm a gay man and you're

just a straight white, cis male.

Yeah. And Irish, so...

Will you just be here for me?

- Okay. - This is a huge day for me

- and I just, I feel like you could... - Okay.

- You could support me a little bit... - All right! All right!

I mean, this is the circle of life coming full... oh, oh!

Oh! It-it should be coming up right here.

Yeah, the House of McDonald is at this address

here.

Wow. Yeah, nailed it.

Cool, so your dad grew up in a McDonald's or...?

No. No, my dad didn't grow up in a McDonald's.

You sure? 'Cause this is the House of McDonald.

Hey, oh, you know what, dude?

Maybe you are, like, from the McDonald family?

Like, like, are you theRonald McDonald?

Like, is the hamburger clown named after you?

I can't tell if you're making fun of me right now.

-Oh? -We got to go find out. I got to, we got to find out.

- You want to get some more information on that? - Yeah, let's get

- some more information. - Yeah, okay, yeah, 'cause you

could be entitled to a lot of money.

What the hell is this, Frank?

I-I thought we were going to a distillery.

You want an authentic Irish experience?

There's nothing more Irish than a corporate tax shelter.

Welcome to the worldwide headquarters

- of Frank's Fluids. - Uh-huh.

Goddamn. What's that smell?

What smell?

Oh, it's Ralphie.

Must've got trapped in here.

Looks like he's fused to the carpet.

- Uh-huh. Is that a cat? - It was.

Okay, well, that is, that is grotesque.

- I can't believe I don't smell that. - It stinks.