Mike & Molly

Am I moving your stuff to my place all alone, or are you gonna help me?

I'm helping. I'm packing memories.

You know I actually five pounds lighter

than I was in high school?

Do you know that none of your glasses actually match?

I don't even know how a person does that.

Hey, same haircut, you ask?

Same barber, I say.

Well, I have plenty of glassware at my place,

so we'll just donate this stuff to goodwill.

Whoa, hang on. You realize some of those are collectables.

Really? And which is the higher

ticket item... Bam-Bam or Mayor McCheese?

McCheese, of course.

I think that one's still good for one free refill.

All right, we'll keep this one and the Sammy Sosa travel mug.

And my cereal bowl.

Holds the perfect serving size.

Plus, you can wash a baby in it. Yeah.

Don't worry, I already packed your cereal bowl.

Now what are we gonna do with your tv?

Well, you don't have a tv in your bedroom.

Nah, I don't really like having a tv in the bedroom.

You know who says that?

People who have never had a tv in their bedroom.

Or people who like to read or talk.

Fine, but while you're reading or talking,

what am I supposed to do?

I don't know. Digging through your belly button seems

to take up a lot of your time.

So, the only place to watch tv will be downstairs in the lobby?

In my house, we call that the living room.

Yeah, but

your mom and your sister are down there,

so I'll have to put on pants.

If I'm gonna put on pants,

I might as well go to the movies.

Alright, you can put the tv in the bedroom.

Thanks.

But if I ever walk in wearing a sexy nightie,

and you give me one of these,

I'm snapping that finger off

and any other body part that looks like it.

That means I can screw up 11 times.

so, Molly's belongings are precious gold,

but you got to hide your worthless crap in my garage?

I'm not hiding it.

Then I'll sneak it in one box at a time.

Wonderful.

Lies and deception.

The mortar that holds the bricks of love together.

It worked for you and dad.

Those were simpler times.

What happened to my air hockey game?

You know, Mikey,

I'm not one to cast judgment

on how other people choose to live their lives...

Here we go.

But rushing to move in with this woman

is a horrible mistake

that you'll regret the rest of your life.

Well, don't sugarcoat it, mom. How do you really feel?

Hey, what happened to all my G.I. Joe stuff?

In my day, we didn't shack up with somebody

until we had rings on our fingers and rice in our hair.

Listen, Molly and I love each other,

and getting rid of my apartment

is a good way for us to save money.

Well, if you really wanted to save money,

you never should have moved out of this house.

Yes, but that would have ended in a murder-suicide.

Fine.

But when she gets tired

of peeling your dirty drawers off the floor,

you always got three hots and a cot here with me and Jim.

And 's all the incentive I need to make it work.

Seriously, I can't find my stretch Armstrong,

my baseball cards, nothing.

Hey, I had a garage sale, okay?

And you sold my stuff?

Well, if you don't sprinkle in a few toys,

it just looks like a sad, old shut-in

having a pre-death estate sale.

Oh, man.

And if the guy across the street ever asks,

you never wore that orange swimsuit.

I promised him, no plums in the basket.

Okay.

I made room for some of Mike's stuff in the hall closet.

I'm gonna take these things over to goodwill.

Don't you dare.

Those are your dad's clothes.

You can't give those away.

Mom, he died 25 years ago,

and this leisure suit passed away ten years before that.

I don't care. You're not giving them away.

Oh, it still smells like daddy.

Hai karate and hot sauce.

It's gonna be so weird having another man living here.

By the way, I was wondering if you guys could clear

a little space for him in the bathroom.

Ooh, that big man in our little bathroom?

Yipes.

Don't worry. All he's got is a razor and a toothbrush,

and for some mysterious reason, a shower cap.

It's not about counter space.

We're worried about the beating that toilet's gonna take.

Mom.

Why don't we make him use the downstairs bathroom

like we did with dad?

There you go.

Just throw in a good, industrial-strength plunger

and a big scented candle.

Citronella, like they use at campsites.

Or we could just rent one of those porta potties

and put it in the backyard.

Good idea.

Then it becomes the neighbor's problem.

All right, this is the last of it.

We got a dreamsicle

and what is either a frozen tamale

or a pair of yellow dress socks.

I will have the dreamsicle.

I'll spin the wheel on that tamale.

Good luck, 'cause it was here when I moved in.

So, what are you doing with this sofa?

I tried to give it to goodwill, but apparently,

they have a too many stains policy.

I'm surprised they took your shirts.

Samuel, it's yours if you want it.

Uh, thank you, but my roommates and I have more

of a southwestern motif.

You know,

now that you're moving in with Molly,

we won't be able to hang out like this anymore.

What are you talking about?

You guys can come over there.

It's gonna be my place as much as it is hers.

Hmm. Yeah, that's what those Indians thought

when they waved at that first boatload of pilgrims.

Exactly.

No more spearing fish and peeing in the woods.

It's tea cakes and Bible lessons for you.

What the hell are you talking about?

Those women are gonna civilize you.

No more fingers up your nose, no hands down your pants,

and forget about sitting on the couch,

drinking from a can of pork and beans.

Please, Carl, I'm not an animal.

I've lived indoors before.

Really?

You want to lift these couch cushions

and play food, filth or fungi?

Tamale?

Frozen plantain.

I'll eat that.

See? Doesn't take up a lot of space,

and it fits in with all your Asian decor.

Samsung.

Hilarious.

What are we gonna do with this?

Good question.

Where do you keep your bobbleheads?

Well, I only have the one,

and right now, he's putting a tv in my bedroom.

It's cute.

At my place, he sat next to my computer.

Oh, well, here he'll live in the garage.

Do you like that?

He does like that.

The garage? This guy is a hall of famer

and won 20 games six years in a row.

This is not the actual guy.

Fine. Sure seems like

a lot of my stuff's being relegated to the garage.

All right, I'll find a place for this little fella.

Great, and since you're loosening the reins

on the sports memorabilia,

let's find a spot for this ebay treasure.

Gosh, we're running tight on wall space.

Uh, what about downstairs bathroom?

Fergie Jenkins in the garage?

Gale Sayers in the crapper?

I don't think you're really from Chicago, lady.

Well, I know that this is tough, but come here.

But it's just temporary.

Soon we'll have our own place

that's not mine, not yours, but ours.

I guess.

And we'll have so much room,

you'll be able to have your own den.

Really? Oh, yeah.

You can put all your stuff in there.

That'll be cool, right?

Like a man cave.

Exactly.

Can I smoke cigars in my man cave?

I don't really see it having a window.

Wait, it's not gonna be an actual cave, is it?

Molly?