Death to Smoochy

It's starting!

Rainbow Randolph, Rainbow Randolph!

Boys and girls,

welcome to the Rainbow Randolph show.

Kidnet Television proudly presents

America's favorite kid-show host,

the friendliest friend on earth, Rainbow Randolph!

Featuring Angelo Pike and the Krinkle Kids.

That's right, Rainbow.

And you know what else

comes in all sizes?

Our Rainbow Randolph products.

Log on.

It's not free.

- So, you'll make sure my boy dances up front, right?

Gets to sit in the chair?

Yeah.

- You want your little booger-eater on my show?

Of course.

Yes, very much.

- Then don't tell me how to run my fuckin' business.

No, we were just-

I'll call you if a spot opens up.

- Freeze, cocksucker! - Drop the briefcase.

- I never touched the money. - FBI.

You're under arrest.

I'm Rainbow Fuckin' Randolph.

Kids love me.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right to remain silent,

anything you say-

Corruption in Krinkleland?

Rainbow Randolph busted by feds

in midtown, Patsy's Bar.

- We're on TV! - Yay!

Patsy's!

Gentlemen, may I express

that I am as shocked and outraged by this

as you all must be.

Save it for the papers, Stokes!

We got nervous sponsors and an angry public.

What are you gonna do about it?

Excellent question, sir.

I've compiled a list of potential replacements.

Clean replacements?

With background checks?

Good Christ, man,

where do you dig up these people?

I can assure you, Mr. Stokes,

that this network cannot survive

another Rainbow Randolph.

Sir, absolutely.

And it is my personal mission

to find a satisfactory replacement.

A performer of character.

A performer of honor.

Most importantly-

Squeaky fucking clean!

Sq-squeaky clean, sir.

- Buggy Ding Dong? - Heroin mule.

Oh.

Square Dance Danny?

He's a wife beater.

Princess Poppy?

Don't bust my balls.

Sorry.

Skippy Black and the Tippy Trolls?

Oh, you know, Black was deported.

And the trolls, well, who gives a shit?

This is impossible.

I would like to strangle that Rainbow Randolph.

Squeeze his greasy neck

until his eyes pop out of his skull.

Before indulging in cheery fantasies,

let's concentrate on saving my ass.

Sorry, Frank.

- Hey, what's going' on with Sheldon Mopes these days?

- Oh, my god, have we sunk to that level already?

Smoochy the Rhino?

What a sap.

Sap's just the pill we need right now.

Get your feet off my desk.

Frank, come on.

He's a guy in a suit.

He's a phony.

A fabric stuffer.

Take away the network money

and the foam rubber and they're all fabric stuffers.

Marginal talents, off-Broadway runoff.

Are you serious?

Okay, last I heard, he's playing hospitals

and nursing homes.

He's bottom rung.

This is it.

This is the guy!

We can do better than Sheldon Mopes.

Come on, he brings nothing to the table.

Except ethics.

With Mopes, there's never been a whiff of controversy.

The guy's a harmless, ethical cornball.

Please don't make me do it.

- He's a bottle of pancake syrup with legs.

Frank!

Get me Smoochy.

- Hello? - Hi, Mr. Mopes,

this is Nora Wells- - I'm just kidding.

It's an answering machine.

Leave me a message after the beep,

or catch one of my appearances.

I'll be opening the new children's wing

of the Canarsie Public Library,

or you can catch my regular Friday night gig

at the Coney Island Methadone Clinic.

Hope to see you there, and remember,

you can't change the world,

but you can make a dent.

You bet.

Thanks a lot, fellas, ladies, yeah.

Looking at the faces here, I think it might

be gettin' time to wrap things up,

so I'm gonna close it out with a little ditty.

You may recognize the tune,

but I've taken a few liberties with the lyrics.

If you figure out the chorus,

come on and join on in, okay?

It's important to get started now, though.

You know why?

Carl?

Hmm?

- You know what I'm talkin' about, brother.

Sing it with me now.

Take it easy, Marisol.

Mr. Mopes?

Yeah.

Hi.

I saw your performance tonight.

It's very spirited.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

You know, sometimes I do a longer set,

but, uh, once the evening meds

kick in around here,

it's pretty much sleepy time in old Coney Island,

so- - Oh, yeah.

Tough to get a sing-along going.

Well, at least you know it's the smack

that's knockin' 'em out, and not your singing, right?

Yeah.

God, I hope so.

Listen, can we talk for a minute?

You know, I'm happy to do this,

but we do have trained counselors inside

who, who can help you.

Well, you came here on the "H" train, right?

Ridin' the horse, on the juice?

No.

No, but, you know,

it's sweet of you to assume so.

I'm Nora Wells.

I'm VP of development for Kidnet.

You work for Kidnet?

Yeah.

Uh, yeah.

Are you serious?

Yeah, um, as a heart attack.

- I'll be, I'm glad I didn't know you were here.

That might have really thrown me off my act, you know?

I was born on November 11th, 1970.

You know what else happened on that date?

No.

First broadcast of "Sesame Street".

You wouldn't believe what it took

to get these guys to throw on a couple soy dogs.

Hello, people, wake up and smell the future, okay?

I mean, organic,