Are You Being Served?

What are you doing Mr. Harmon?

- It's the new unisex display model made in Japan.

Do you like that?

It's a fella.

Like that, it's a bird.

It looks a bit odd.

You're right.

I got me Rachel Welsh mixed up with me Twiggies.

You are awful.

Good morning, Mr. Grace.

Good morning.

Good morning, everybody.

- Everybody's not here Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace is stopping at every floor

to welcome people back from their holidays.

- Did you and your secretary have a nice time

on your yacht, Mr. Grace?

No, it was all up and down, up and down.

It was ridiculous.

Rough weather?

- Well, it wouldn't likely be anything else, would it?

With his money, and my body.

I think I'd rather have his money.

Morning, Mr. Harmon.

Morning, Mr. Rumbold.

Did you and Mrs. Rumbold have a nice holiday?

Yes, thank you.

We went to the Coconut Islands.

What's happened to your head?

I got hit by a coconut.

Get this model off the floor until its dressed, Mr. Harmon.

The customers will be coming in before long.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl.

- Captain Peacock, you're all cutting it rather fine today.

What's this?

It's from your doctor.

This is to certify that S. Peacock is suffering

from a throat condition acquired

during a yodeling holiday in Switzerland.

I have prescribed for him Larynguex pills,

a gargle, and Nodule Gone throat spry.

Although fit for work, he should use his voice

as little as possible.

Dear me, wont' the customers think it rather strange

if you don't speak to them?

They'd find it even more strange

if I do speak to them.

I'm sorry, Peacock.

You must admit it's an extraordinary effect.

- If I use this throat spray, it temporarily cures it.

What happened to your head?

Coconut fell on it.

I'm sorry, sir.

That's very funny.

When does he think you'll be better?

In about a week, sir.

Unhappily, there are one or two unfortunate side effects.

Like that.

Never mind, I'll get it.

I'm sorry.

We'll send out for some more.

How long does this stuff last?

Not very long.

- Good heavens, what's happened to your hair?

My what?

Your hair on your head?

What's the matter with your voice?

I spent my holiday taking elocution

and deportment lessons.

Good morning, Mr. Rumbold.

Morning, Miss Brahms.

I must say it's a remarkable transformation.

- Yes, I had my voice on one of their tapes,

and I must say I didn't half sound dead common.

- What on Earth is the matter with you, Mr. Lucas?

I burnt me feet in Skegness.

In Skegness?

There was this female acrobat, you see,

and she took me back to her flat.

She was just showing my how to juggle

with a couple of grapefruit and a cucumber

standing on me head when her father came in.

What's this got to do with burnt feet?

Well, he's a fire eater on the pier.

He took one swig of paraffin from his zip flask,

flicked his Ronson, breathed out,

and it was Towering Inferno with me going head first

down the fire escape.

If he hadn't been short of breath coming up the stairs,

I wouldn't be able to sit down either.

It's a pity he didn't singe your hair.

It looks dreadful.

- Yes, I'll get it cut right away, Mr. Rumbold.

No, you will not, Mr. Lucas.

You will do it in your coffee break.

I trust you're not catching a cold, Mr. Lucas.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

It's very unhealthy putting your trousers on

after they've been slung off the end of a jetty.

I've never seen such a whopping conch.

- Before anybody else makes any funny cracks,

this is a plastic cover.

My nose caught a touch of the sun

on the Costa Blanca.

And, this here contains soothing ointment

which must be kept on as long as possible.

I wouldn't take it off Mrs. Slocombe.

It balances the rest of your face.

- When I want advice from you, I'll ask for it, Samson.

Apart from the nose, I trust you had

an enjoyable holiday.

I did not.

You know the reputation these Spaniards have

for bottom pinching and jumping on defenseless ladies

at night on the beach.

Was it all true?

No, none of it.

- As you can see, I've come straight from the airport.

- And, you are very nearly late, Mr. Humphries.

You're lucky to have me here at all.

I had a customs officer that was working to rule.

"What are you looking for," I said.

"We're on the trail of an international gang

of rhinoceros horn smugglers," he said.

"Well, I'm not hiding one where you're looking," I said.

Me hold all isn't big enough.

Anyway, I've only been to Guernsey.

- You can't serve customers dressed like that.

I'm surprised they let him into Guernsey

dressed like that.

- Don't worry, I've got me other clothes in here.

In a couple of ticks, I shall be back

to my normal self, or as near as I can be.

Captain Peacock, how nice to see you.

Did you have a pleasant holiday?

Yes, very nice, thank you.

- If you're gonna take the mickey, I'm sorry I asked.

Don't go, Mr. Humpries.

I have a small announcement to make.

Excuse me, Mr. Rumbold.

Before you start spouting, I've got Captain Peacock

throat spray from the chemist counter.

Thank goodness for that.

He got a throat infection during a yodeling holiday.

Has that made it alright?

Yes, thank you, sir, for the time being.

I caught it doing the Alpine Horn competition.

Unfortunately, my team were all using the same horn,

and I was in last, and in the excitement,

I forgot to wipe the end.

That can happen when you're in a hurry.

- As I was saying I have a small announcement to make.

Mr. Humpries, Mr. Lucas.

- Now, as you know, Mr. Tebbs is taking over

as head of the Gentlemen's Department.

And, I must say that Mr. Humpries was considered

for the position, but the board felt

that he was too young.

I'm disappointed but flattered.

Mr. Tebbs, are you there?

- I'm here, Mr. Rumbold, waiting and eager.

This is Mr. Tebbs.

Morning.

Morning!

I expect he's known to most of you.

10 years in bathroom bittings, three in footwear,

almost entirely responsible for modernizing greeting cards

and novelties, and finally, four years in bedding.

You've left out soft furnishings.

Have I?

- Yes, that would be between bathroom fittings and footwear.

How long were you there?

18 months.

- Mr. Tebbs was also 18 months in soft furnishings.