Austin Powers in Goldmember

Yeah, baby.

Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous.

l may just be a small-town FBI agent-slash-single mother...

...but I'm still tough and sexy.

Well, Miss Normous, shall we shag now...

...or shag later?

Oh, Austin, behave.

Hey, Powers.

You better watch your frigging self...

...because this is one doctor who does make house calls.

Right, Mini Me?

Hey, assholes.

I'm right over here. I'm Mini Me. Come and get me.

And cut.

That's a cut, everybody.

Moving on. Check the gate, please.

So, Austin, what'd you think of the opening credits?

Well, l can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg...

...the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema...

...is making a movie about my life.

Very shagadelic, baby. Yeah.

Having said that, l do have some thoughts.

Really?

Uh, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.

Well, no offense, Sir Stevie...

...but you've got to have mojo, baby. Yeah.

Hit it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Quincy Jones.

Yeah.

This is where the movie gets its mojo, baby.

Groovy, yes.

Quiet, everybody. Music video, take two.

It's Britney Spears.

Oops, l did it again, baby. Yeah.

l love you!

Yeah.

Welcome back, Herr Doctor. How was space?

Space was cool. Wasn't it, Mini Me?

-Mm-hm. -Yeah.

Dr. Evil, while you were in space...

...I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money...

...and still maintain the ethics and the business practices...

...of an evil organization.

l have turned us into a talent agency: The Hollywood Talent Agency.

-Really? -By charging A-list clients 9 percent...

...rather than the traditional 10 percent, we've been able to sign such stars...

-...as George Clooney... -Ooh.

...Julia Roberts... -Hey.

...and Leo DiCaprio.

Leo.

And the best part of the whole scheme is we all get our own assistants.

Hi, I'm Number Three.

Whoa!

I’m really excited to be part of the team here at HTA.

Very impressive, Number Two...

...but I finally have the perfect plan.

In the '70s, there lived a Dutch metallurgical hedonist...

...by the name of Johann van der Smut.

He loved gold so much...

...he even lost his genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident.

Hence the name...

...Goldmember.

He invented a cold-fusion power unit...

...for a "tractor beam"--

"Tractor beam"...

...powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth.

The meteor was called...

..."Midas 22."

It’s made of solid gold.

Is he sleeping?

Well, that's okay.

l guess Mini Me won't get any...

...chocolate!

You want down, Mini Me? Use your words like a big boy clone.

He's okay.

Here's the chocolate.

It’s from Bruges. That's in Belgium.

That's where Daddy's from. Yeah.

Check out Mini Me.

Yeah. He's gone mental on account of the chocolate.

It’s like fricking catnip for clones.

-Your chair, Dr. Evil. -Thank you.

Whoa!

Thanks. Skedaddle. Right.

You know, when you have kids...

...I think you're gonna find that all kids are different, eh?

[FARBISSINA AND EVIL SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

For example, Mini Me loves chocolate.

Scotty don't.

-What, l like chocolate fine, l just-- -Scotty don't.

Well, this is very familiar. Hang on, let me do what l do. "Uh, would you stop?"

How about I what?

What are you...?

l don't even-- Honestly, isn't this--?

How about you don't? Ladies and gentlemen, Scotty Don't.

Ahem. Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time that you finished unveiling your plan.

Yes, thank you, Number Two. Ladies and gentlemen, my plan is--

-Scotty don't. -Come on. You're such a lame-ass.

-Oh. Oh.

-Oh. -Oh.

-Yeah. Oh, this is--

-Yeah, yeah. Oh, so we're--

You know, this is causing me serious psychological harm.

l don't know. Who am l?

Fine. You know what? l would love some chocolate.

Here you go.

Thank you. Perfect.

Heel, Mini Me.

Heel.

Come on. Got me a marlin. Yeah.

-You okay, Mini Me? -Mm-hm.

Yeah? Did l pull too hard? l don't want to hurt you.

-Dr. Evil. -Yeah?

What does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?

Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations.

Preparations A through G were a failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen...

...we finally have a working tractor beam which we shall call:

"Preparation H."

What?

Why don't you just call it "Operation Ass Cream," you ass.

I’m sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Yes. I'd love some chocolate ass cream.

Perhaps later.

-Dr. Evil, l love your plan. -Yeah, eh?

Ja, Herr Doctor, it's a really good plan.

Yes, Frau, on the whole, l think Preparation H feels good.

-What is it now? -No, nothing. You know what, I agree.

Preparation H does feel good on the hole.

Well, I’m glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty, ja.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...using my time machine, l shall travel back to 1975...

...pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future.

And the best part of this plan is...

...no one can stop me.

Not even...

...Austin Powers.

Not so fast.

You're surrounded, Dr. Evil.

Shit.

Dr. Evil, the World Court sentences you to 400 years.

Do you have anything to say?

No, but l think Mini Me does.

Order! l will have order!

Looks like two eggs in a hanky.

The criminal genius known as Dr. Evil and his clone...

...were sentenced today at the World Organization.

For his efforts, Austin Powers...

...son of England's most famous spy, Nigel Powers...

...will be knighted by the queen at Buckingham Palace.

Arise, Sir Austin Powers.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

-Your father must be very proud of you. -Oh, yeah.

Come on, Dad, stand up and take a bow.

Daddy?

Dad?

Daddy

Daddy wasn't there

Daddy

Daddy wasn't there

To take me to the fair

It seems he doesn't care

Daddy wasn't there

When I was first baptized When I was criticized

When I was ostracized When I was Jazzercised

Steak and kidney pies One-hour Martinize

When I was circumcised

Daddy wasn't there

To take me to the fair

To change my underwear

Daddy wasn't there

"Daddy Wasn't There." Peace.

l am a sexy beast.

Yes.

Bangs. Yes, how’s it going?

The robot. Haven't seen that in a while.

-It’s Austin Powers! You so funny. Well, you know.

Also, very sexiful. Can l have autograph?

Of course. Your name is...?

Fook Mi.

Oh, behave, baby. Yes.

-Now, your name is...? -Fook Mi.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Fook Mi. Like this.

Oh, l see!

Your name is Fook Mi.

-You want drink? -Yes, of course.

You know, l have a private bar in the back that you're more than welcome to use--

Here you go.

Fook Mi, that was fast.