The World According to Garp

Garp?

Garp.

Garp.

- Garp? - Yes, Garp.

Sounds like a fish.

My daughter got knocked up by a Garp.

Find out if that's the son of a bitch's first or last name.

- Was that his first name or last name? - It was Garp.

Just Garp. That's the whole thing.

- I think it was his last name. - What was his first name?

- I never found out. - She never found out his first name?

- Jenny, you must know his first name. - Technical Sergeant Garp.

I knew it, I knew it. A goddamn soldier.

- Technical sergeant? - T.S.

Yes. T.S. Garp.

That's my baby's name.

If I ever meet the son of a bitch, I'll kill him.

He's dead already.

I don't suppose you bothered to get married.

Married? She never even met the son of a bitch.

I didn't wanna marry. I wanted a baby.

- But a wedding ring, dear... - I didn't need his ring, Mother.

- I needed his sperm. - No...!

Don't you dare say "sperm" in this house.

- Where are you going? - To get a job.

I'm a trained nurse, and I plan to continue my work.

Jenny!

Jenny! In the war, which side was he on?

- Was he on our side, at least? - He wasn't on any side.

He was flat on his back in a hospital.

One night, when he had one of his usual erections...

I got on top of him, and he squirted it in me.

He ejaculated, and as a result, I've got a wonderful baby.

Oh, I can't hear a damn... Where'd she go?

Winifred.

Oh, my God.

What a bod.

What a bod. This, gentlemen, is a bod.

I wish I was a girl. If I was a girl, I'd take off my clothes...

and stand in front of a mirror and look at myself for hours.

The all-American bod.

Why can't a basketball player father a child?

Everybody knows that one... Hey!

Get him, Bosworth.

Pritchard, give me that!

- Where is it? - I haven't got it.

- Where did you put it? - Shh.

Of course you can tell me what happened.

Come on in here.

Well, I zipped it up too fast, and it got caught.

I can see that.

We'll just have to unzip you.

- I tried that already, but it hurts. - It's either that or amputate.

We can't have you parading around like a savage from Borneo.

Ah!

It's all right, it's all right. Hold on. I'm going to put something on it.

I'll get you for this, Pritchard.

Jeffrey.

- Leave it alone for a while. - Yes, Miss Fields.

What are you doing awake?

- Dada. - Not Dada.

Mama. Say "Mama."

Mama.

Dada's dead. He got killed.

No, let go. Give this to me.

Let go. Let...

Where did you get this?

Sick.

Even when they're healthy, they're sick with lust.

Bosworth.

Bosworth. A word of warning, you filth monger.

If you expose my baby one more time to cheap shots like this...

I'll inoculate your jockstrap with bubonic plague.

It'll do such a job on you, you'll have nothing left to even scratch.

- Understand? - Yes, Miss Fields.

Fine. Well, good night, then, Bosworth.

Sleep well.

My father was a flier.

I told you, he was a tail gunner in a plane.

If he was in a plane, he was a flier.

Was he real big?

I don't know. I never saw him standing up.

- Why not? - I'll tell you about it someday.

This is one course you won't be taking.

The text is dull, and Stewart Percy is even duller.

I nearly fell asleep in his class today.

Maybe he didn't die.

- Who? - My father.

He sure did. Dead and gone.

"Mythology."

I'll check out this class for you next week.

Long Ranger died.

- It's Lone Ranger, not Long. - He died.

- Sorry to hear that. - But he really didn't.

Everybody thought he died, but he didn't die.

Maybe my father didn't really die either.

Not really.

I'm a nurse. I know. He died.

- Will I ever fly like Daddy? - I don't know.

I remember flying.

When you were born, I was so happy...

I threw you up and down.

- I remember. - You were too young to remember.

I remember flying. I went flying with Daddy last week.

Are you gonna go to sleep or you gonna stay up and think your weird thoughts?

I'll stay up and think weird thoughts for a while.

All right. Fine.

Good night.

- I'll see you in the morning. - If I'm still here.

- You don't really need a father. - All the other kids have one.

If all the kids had trench mouth, would you want that too?

- I'm tired of that answer. - I'm tired of your questions.

Good night.

- Hey, over here, Stuey! - I know how to make babies.

- I know too. - How could you?

You don't have a father. You're a bastard.

- I'll teach you. - Monkey in the middle.

Monkey in the middle.

All right, first thing is...

I have a headache. Oh, my head. I have a headache. Not tonight.

Now, you're supposed to attack me and pull my clothes off.

You sure?

Yes. And you're supposed to say, "Every night you have a headache."

- Okay? - Okay.

- Not tonight. I have a headache. - Every night you have a headache.

- No, don't do that. It tickles. - No, Bonkers! Stop it, Bonkers!

- Ah! - Stop it! Go away, Bonkers!

Cushie. Cushie!

- No, Bonkers! No! - Cushie!

- Stop! - Bonkers!

- Bonkie! - Oh!

Bonkie! Are you all right, big boy?

- Cushie, what happened? - Bonkie bit Garp.

I see. Bonkie bit Garp.

At least the dog's got good taste, doesn't he?

- Does it hurt? - Yes. A lot.

- You shouldn't tease him. - He didn't!

- It hurts! - Come on, you run along to your house.

Go to your mother. She's a nurse. She can take care of it.

- What happened? - Bonkie bit Garp.

All right, kids, fun's over.

Come on, Pooh. Time for lunch.

- Mom! Mom! Mom! - Garp?

- Garp, what happened? - Bonkers bit me!

Son of a bitch! He bit your earlobe off.

- Mr. Percy said that I tasted good! - He did, did he?

Stay, Bonkie, stay. That's a good dog.

Smile, Cushie. That's right. Now, come on, Pooh, smile.

This picture is going to all our friends this year.

So smile and look merry.

Pooh, would you smile, damn it?

If you don't smile, you'll never get a husband.

Damn it.

- My son is not dog food, goddamn it! - Calm down, Jenny.

- Bonkers just got a little excited. - Fine. I'm a little excited too.

- Where is Bonkers? - What for?

I wanna take him and give him a shot.

- What for? - So he won't bite anymore.

- A shot will do that? - It will. He'll be dead.

- You can't be serious. - You bet your fat ass I am!

I'm telling you now, either tie him up, make him behave...

or I'll make him dead as a doornail.

Come on, Garp.

- Oh, Mom. - I don't want any more discussion.

- Good afternoon, Dean Bodger. - Good afternoon, Jenny.

- Hello there, Garp. - Hello, dean.

I understand you'll be starting classes next semester.

We're on our way now to enter him in a sport.

Really? What will you be going out for?

- Basketball. - I don't know.

I'm sure you'll do splendidly.

- Good luck to you. - Thank you very much.

Why can't I decide what sport to take?

Because you're too young. I've looked into them all.

- Basketball is the best. - I'm too short for basketball.

- Hey, Garp, you wanna play? - Yes, I do.

No, you don't. That Cushie could use a good sport herself.

- All right, over here, let's go. - Get the rebound!

Okay, let's get back on defense!

Let's go, set up number four. Okay, number four.

Let's go, Chris. Set up on the base line, the base line.

Give and go, guys. Move it up.

Come on. Let's go. Weak side.

Move in, Joey. Come on.

Defend our board, come on.

Come on, Danny, we got them.

- Watch him! - Take the shot, Gary.

- Swish! Nice shot. - All right, good shot.

- Move it around, guys. - Here we go.

All right, same thing. Bottom man down. Same man down.

Let's go. Ready?

Hold him down. Ride him. Good!

Come on. Good reversal there. Get off your back.

Stay off your back. Ten seconds. Hold him.

Five. Four. Three. Two.

Okay, gentlemen, that's it. Hit the showers.

Hey, Garp, how are you doing?

See you, Garp.

Why can't basketball players father a child?

Because they're ugly.