My One and Only

¶ Well, I'm packin' my grip ¶

¶ Think I'll take a trip ¶

¶ Think I'll leave today ¶

¶ No, I'd better stay ¶

¶ Well, oh, well, oh, well oh, well, oh, well, oh, well ¶

All of you listening to me out there realizes that...

Communism is the avowed enemy of the free world.

Today, fourth June, 1953, at the Nevada test site...

a thermonuclear device was...

¶ Well, oh, well, oh, well oh, well, oh, well, oh, well ¶

¶ Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well Goin' to stay right here ¶

A solid marriage is one of the most...

wonderful things in the world.

¶ My gal won't wait for me ¶¶

¶ Drink Bubble Up, Bubble Up ¶

¶ Kiss of lemon Kiss of lime ¶¶

And now, my friends, a new hit record among my souvenirs...

backed with "God Bless America" by Connie Francis.

¶ White Rain White Rain shampoo tonight ¶

¶ Tomorrow, your hair sunshine bright ¶¶

¶ A new love for you ¶¶

¶ I can save you money, here's a tip ¶

¶ So many ways to use me and free ¶¶

¶ From kids to dad and mother ¶

¶ The family all approved ¶

¶ To dad's delight the price is right ¶

¶ For the newest Easter shoes ¶¶

¶ Refinery fresh to each station every day ¶

¶ Higher octane for power the Oklahoma way with ¶

¶ Oklahoma I said Oklahoma ¶

¶ The best gasoline you can buy ¶¶

¶ It's time to wake up, it's time to go ¶

¶ It's time to get rolling It's time for the show ¶

¶ Keep your eye up high ¶

¶ Keep your ear to the ground ¶

Hey, kid.

Don't touch the car, will ya?

If I'd walked out of the showroom right then...

none of this would've happened.

You should be in school. Scram.

But I didn't leave, and nothing was the same after that.

How much is this one?

This one?

About 50 more years on your paper route, sonny. That's how much.

And that works out to...

3,500. You happy? Now, beat it!

I presume you'd consider lowering the price if I paid you in cash.

The money's legitimate, gentlemen.

- You heard him. Keep out of this. - Oh, right.

Kid might've murdered his parents.

- But to Mickey, a sale's a sale. - Will you both shut up.

You got five minutes to explain before I call the cops, kid.

My name is George Devereaux. I'm 15.

I live on the Upper West Side with my parents and my half brother.

This afternoon, my mother returned home a day early from a trip to the shore.

Mrs. Devereaux. We weren't expecting you until tomorrow.

A lady should never do what anyone expects of her, Henry.

My parents' marriage is not what you'd call seamless.

Holy shit.

Yep.

My father's a band leader.

Normally, he's better dressed than this.

His stage name is Dan Devereaux. You might've heard of him.

Although his real name is Dan Hamilton. He's from Paris, Texas...

not Paris, France.

He made a lot of money off a song he wrote called...

¶ My one and only ¶

The only thing louder than its arrangement is its irony.

My father is an artist...

with all the strengths and weaknesses that implies.

Dan, two-minute call.

- Comin'. - As much as my father's life...

relies upon improvisation...

my mother's life is guided by a large number of aphorisms.

Sayings. Like, for example...

What you do while you're in a room...

- You don't wanna go in there. - is never as important as how you enter or leave it.

Please. Don't get up.

- This isn't what it looks like. - Really? Well, what does it look like, child?

- Danny! - Of course it's what it looks like, Sherry.

- My wife's not an idiot, for Christ's sake. - Thank you, darling.

That's the nicest thing you've said to me all year.

Here. Let me help you.

You know, you really shouldn't wear this color.

It makes you look like a tramp.

What am I saying? You are a tramp.

Hey. What are you doin' with that suitcase?

- I'm leaving you. - Oh, Christ, honey.

Come on. You know you're not gonna leave me.

Never contradict a woman while you're in your underwear.

It puts you at a great disadvantage.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry. Baby, I am. You know I do these crazy things.

But they don't mean anything. No offense, Sherry. Sherry?

Oh, come on now, honey. Be realistic.

W-Where would you go? What would you do?

- Where's my passport? - Oh, hell. Go on then. Leave me.

I don't need you around here anyway. All you do is hold me back and spend my money.

- And everybody knows that. - What a relief for you then.

- Well, what about the boys? - Boys?

- Yeah. George, Robbie. The boys. You remember them? - Where are they?

- They're at school, Miss Devereaux. - Why?

- I'm going to take them with me. - And do what?

- Raise them. - You?

Well, you don't think I'm leaving them here with the likes of you, do you?

Give me a break. You're a lousy mother.

- I love my children. - So what?

I love my kids, and I'm shit for a father.

- Bernice? - Yes, ma'am?

Am I a lousy mother?

It's not my place to say, Miss Devereaux.

But if you wanna know the God's honest...

- There. - Aw, shit.

Go on, then. Take the damn kids. What do I care?

Ten minutes later...

- my mother took my brother and me out of school. - Shit.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Devereaux, but your boys don't attend this school anymore.

Of course they don't.

I'm sorry, Mr. Connors. I'm just very upset.

- They go to... - Radford.

Radford. Of course.

They go to Radford.

Where is Radford?

My brother Robbie was playing Lady Macbeth in the Scottish play.

It is so nice to see that there are still some gentlemen left.

Thank you.

He was playing Lady Macbeth?

In Shakespeare's time, all the women's roles were played by men.

Right. I knew that.

That's all the cash there is in here, Mrs. Devereaux.

- And all the jewelry. - Of course.

What's in that cloth there?

- Oh. - I'll take that too.

Will that be all, Mrs. Devereaux?

That will be all. Thank you.

George, darling.

I want you to take this money and go and buy us an automobile.

A car? Why? Where's Dad?

First things first. We need a car.

- Well, what kind of car? - What kind would you like?

- I don't want a car. - A Jaguar.

Admirable taste as always, darling.

But we need something more practical.

- A Chevy? - Perhaps not that practical.

So here I am, and that's the car I want.

It's not as easy as that, son.

- Is there a problem, George? - Have a seat, Mrs. Devereaux.

Well, thank you, Fred.

- May I call you Fred? - By all means.

Well, how much is the car we want?

It's, uh, 3,500, ma'am.

- Give it to the nice man, George. - That's not how you do it, Mom.

- That's not how you do what? - Your son means that...

you offer me less than that, and then we bargain.

All right. $1,000.

This is so much fun.

What?

It's a little low, Mom.

- Offer me, say, 2,500. - All right, then.

2,500.

- No. - What do you mean, no?

You just said, "Offer me 2,500."

I can let you have it for 33, Mrs. Devereaux, but that's as low as I can go.

2,700.

3,275.

2,950, Fred, or we're out of here faster than a cat in a rainstorm.

- Huh? - What about Dad?

What does he have to say about all this?

Your father has betrayed us, and I never wanna hear his name again.

What about marrying my father again?

Once was an adventure. Twice would be a perversion.

Look, you can't just take a kid away from his father like this.

Ask any psychiatrist. A boy needs his father's influence.

- That is what the telephone is for. - I'm not going.

- Well, who's gonna drive the car? - Robbie can drive.

Robbie doesn't have the personality for driving.

- I'm too sensitive. - You're too full of shit is what you are.

- George! - Then you drive it.

It would not be appropriate for me to drive it.

It's 1953, Mom. Women vote now.

They smoke. They even go to the bathroom by themselves.

You're becoming very crude, darling.

Your father's influence, no doubt.

Nice car.

The only reason why I'm giving in...

is because I know that we'll be back here in a week.

It's time for your boy's medicine, ma'am.

- Bernice has your medicine, George. Take it. - It's not my medicine.

I do not care whose medicine it is.

Just one of you take it, and let's get out of here.

Good-bye, Bernice.

I'll miss you. Any parting words of advice for us?

Yeah. Take the parking brake off.

George! George!

Please don't get us killed.

My mother was determined to teach my father a lesson...

even if it meant killing us all in the process.

With that in mind, she told us to drive around the city for an hour...

so she could teach me everything she knew about driving a car...

which wasn't much.

George, I almost stabbed myself.