Cecil B. Demented

"Some kind of happiness."

H-a-p-p-i-- good, one "n."

"Honey whitlock."

W-h-i-t-- good, good.

That's good.

Try moving a little more to the right, sinclair.

Is that better, Mr. Stillings ?

Yeah. Yeah, that's all right.

But try moving the "n" a little more to the right.

Hmm.

- Have you met miss whitlock yet ? - Not till tonight.

But don't worry, sinclair. I'll introduce you.

You promise ? I'd kill to meet her.

Ohh, what a town.

You know, I tell everybody in Hollywood...

That if you want to shoot on location in Baltimore,

you really don't need to bring a crew from Los Angeles.

Because Baltimore really is best.

And remember, miss whitlock...

Is every inch a movie star,

and she expects to be onstage at 7:10 P.M. exactly...

In order to ensure live coverage...

From each of the three local news shows.

Oh, by the way,

I hear she's really a nice person.

Look at this dump of a town.

Get me the fuck back to L.A.

God, if one more asshole mentions a crab cake to me, I think I'm gonna puke.

Well, did you try the steamed crabs ?

I'm not interested in any kind of meal that you have to beat with a fucking mallet,

wearing some stupid kind of little bib.

Just a minute !

While families of mutants gawk in my face.

No, thank you.

Hi.

Your limousine is here, miss whitlock. You look beautiful.

Well, thank you, Charles, darling. I'm so excited.

We'll be right with you.

Libby, do you think that pat Nixon got fucked in this hotel room ?

What ?

It is called the presidential suite, isn't it ?

Yes, but--

I bet she did. Call the manager and ask him.

I can't ask that.

Pat Nixon was a stroke victim.

I believe it is your job to ask, is it not ?

Now, call downstairs and ask the manager...

If pat Nixon got fucked in my hotel room.

I want to know.

Yes, miss whitlock.

6:41 P.M.

A star is born.

Ten-four, petie.

Christ, Lyle. Look ! There's what's-her-name from e! Network.

Would you look at the tits on her !

6:43 P.M.

The hotel manager said no. Pat Nixon never stayed here.

But Nancy Reagan did in 1986.You actually asked him ?

Y-You said to call downstairs.

You asked the hotel manager if pat Nixon had sex in my room ?

Well, sort of. I-I thought you needed to know.

I was kidding, Libby !

He must think you're a complete lunatic.

Good god, you would do anything.

Good luck, miss whitlock.

Excuse me. Did you hear what that little bitch just said to me ?

- She didn't know. - In show business,

we say "break a leg," never fucking "good luck" !

That's just an old superstition.Ms. Whitlock, there's photo ops with the mayor in the lobby.

You know, that little cocksucker just put a curse on my goddamn premiere.

Is every person in the world an asshole ?

6:42.oh, that's nice.

6:44 P.M. by whatever means necessary.

Two popcorns, please.Butter or plain ?

Honey whitlock !

There she is. You better get a shot.

Over there !miss whitlock, what an honor.

Mayor fenwick !

6:46 P.M. in the name of underground cinema.

I have to tell you that I just love what you've done with the city.

And Baltimore loves you back.

I, Adam fenwick, mayor of the city of Baltimore,

do hereby proclaim October 29...

To be honey whitlock day in Baltimore...

And do command this observation to all of our citizens.

Whereas--

6:47 P.M.

Hey, hey, m.P.A.A., how many movies did you censor today ?

What's the matter, miss whitlock ?

A white fucking limousine !

Nobody'll know. We're in Baltimore.

Do I look like liberace's goddamn boyfriend, for Christ's sake ?

I have "black limousine only" in my contract.

The charity probably made the arrangements. It was an honest mistake.

Do I look like a coke dealer ?no, miss whitlock.

Do I look like I am going to the fucking prom ?

Break a leg, miss whitlock.

Here you go, sir.

Uh, miss whitlock, security's gonna have my ass if we're late. We gotta go.

Do not say "ass" to me, trailer trash.

I will have you fired.

Now, you're with the studio, is that correct ?

Yes. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Let me get that for you.

Got it right here. Yeah. Here you go.

I'm so sorry. Here, these first two right there. Okay, enjoy the show.

Yeah, 6:48 P.M. an Usher's job is never done.

Put down the flashlight, pick up the gun.

Some kind of happiness is, you know, a screwball romantic comedy.

It's life-affirming but realistic, and, well, to be honest,

with all the misery that goes on in the world today,

couldn't we use a little optimism in the movies ?

6:50 P.M. fuck the studio system !

Tickets, please.

The heart fund's a wonderful cause. Thanks for your support.

You're welcome.

7:01 P.M. inch by motherfucking inch.

Yes, sir ?two for henman.

Why don't you just sit right there ?

7:02 P.M.

When the word is given, we will seize the cinema.

Hey, come back ! Give me an autograph !

7:06 P.M. the big snatch.

Good evening, miss whitlock,

and welcome to the historic senator theater.

Thank you.

Enjoy the show.Thank you.

Good evening. I'm Sylvia Mallory,

the chairman of the Baltimore heart fund,

and this is William.

He's so cute.

William had heart surgery just seven days ago.

And thanks to the blood transfusions paid for by your generosity...

At tonight's premiere, he's going to be all right.

Aren't you, William ?

I don't wanna be here !

William's a little grumpy.

Get off of me, ugly !

But he's alive, and that's what counts.

Miss whitlock ! Miss whitlock !

Miss whitlock, please !

What ?

Channel 45 here. Can I ask you a couple questions ?

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for.

You first saw honey whitlock on the screen--

you guys have reserved seats.Thank you.

7:09 P.M. honey whitlock, welcome to film hell.

And from then on, hit after hit.7:09 P.M. and 30 seconds.

Her Oscar-nominated performance in forced entry.

And tonight, some kind of happiness.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

a big Baltimore welcome for miss honey whitlock.

Thank you, thank you. You're so kind.

Um, I just wanted to say that I hope you enjoy the movie, and I just--

I love you, Baltimore. I really do.

I am Cecil b. Demented, and this is a fucking kidnapping !

Get down, everybody !

Son of a bitch !

- Keep moving ! -

Help ! Hey !

Women in film !all right, sister !

Hey, she's got photo approval !

Honey ! Honey !

Help me !get out ! Premiere's over !

Come on, you guys ! Come on, come on !

Yeah ! Yeah !

Drop your weapon !

[ Gunshots, screaming continue ]

Get down !

Help ! Call the studio ! Call Jack valenti !

Help me, somebody !get in the trunk !

Shut up ! Get in there !no ! No ! No !

Get in there !oh, shit ! Oh ! No !

Get in there ! Rodney, come on ! Let's go !

Power to the people who punish bad cinema !

Help !