Poker in Bed (La signora gioca bene a scopa?)

I'll open the pot, gentlemen.

- I'm in... - Stay...

I'll stay...

- How many cards? - Two...

- And you... ? - Three...

One...

One... and one here.

- 30.000 lire... - No... I'm out!

- I raise another 30... - I'm out!

- Let's have a look... - A pair of aces!

3 Jacks!

DOES THE LADY PLAY SCOPA WELL?

- 20.000... - I'm out!

120.000...

Let's have a look!

3 aces!

Full house!

200.000

600.000

1.600.000

I'll raise...

2.400.000

Let's have a look...

4 Aces!

I got nothing... except a straight flush!

- You can't win 'em all! - I don't seem to win any...

- Here... - Thank you!

- 3.810.000... - It was just a stroke of luck, my boy!

- I'll say... - So long!

Tomorrow, my friend...

Thanks for a nice time... goodbye.

- Have you noticed, he always loses to me! - I'd wait on cashing that check, if I were you.

Why? It's always been good before. You're not trying to put a curse on it, are you?

No, of course. But that guy's been on a losing streak for a long, long time!

He had to take out a second mortage on his store. I got that straight from his junior partner...

Well, rumors don't frighten me, because I know he can get money when the chips are down!

Alright, come on Michele. Let's go...

Give me a double! How are you, Camillo?

- I don't believe it! I don't believe it! - That doesn't make the slightest difference...

When I heard how much you lost the other night - 2.600.000 - I couldn't believe my ears.

- Don't blame me! - Yeah? Then who's to blame?

- Well... I nominate you! - Oh, you do?

Sure... you're the person who gave me these!

- So... ? - You gave me these as a good luck charm.

That was all bullshit! You told me these charms were a player's best friend.

"Knock on wood - you'll make it good." I ought to punch your face in, you big liar.

You ought to be drawn and quartered! Those charms are worthless!

- I don't ever want to see them again! - These were my grandfather's charms.

- He always carried these when he won at cards! - Sure, for games like rummy or crazy eights.

My only interest is poker. Remember when we used to play a game called "scopa"?

Nobody plays that anymore. Poker is the only game today that requires intelligence.

- If you don't have that, then don't sit down at the table! - In your case, it's got nothing to do with intelligence!

Oh, a natural loser, am I? Don't tell that to my buddies over at the social club.

- My powers as a gambler are completely intact! - Is that also true about your other powers?

What's that?

- ... and it's that long! - That's nothing. The tail on our retriever was that long!

They're only talking about dogs. They don't know anything about me!

- Concerned about length, Michele? - You mind my own business!

Cut it out! Stop worrying. We have a great business, and we're making good money.

Aptly stated - we're making money. Only problem is, we can't pay the debts that are piling up!

- That poker game is going to be our downfall! - Don't worry ... I'll pay them. I'll pay them.

The store will save us, you'll see.

Get serious! You know what the people around town are calling us?

- It can't be that bad... - A couple of bums!

- A couple of what? - That's what they think of us!

- People are calling us bums? - Including me! Why me?

- And why me? - It's unfair!

You should be glad they call you a bum! It means free publicity...

- Let's forget about it. We'll talk about it another time. - Yeah... tomorrow's another day.

If anyone tries to cash that last check you wrote, we'll find ourselves peddling our asses out on the street.

Wait a minute. Would you mind repeating that?

If anyone tries to cash that check, we'll find ourselves where?

- Peddling our asses? - Bravo! You're a genius, my bald-headed friend!

Bravo, Peppino! A marvelous idea, peddling our asses!

Although I'll have to consult with someone who's had a lot of experience in that area, the whore Marisa.

Hey, Michele, where the hell have you been all this time? Sit down and tell me what you've been up to.

- Well, I've got the store, and I've... - I'm so glad you've come to...

Please, leave my leg alone! No more of that grabbing at my... my leg.

You used to tell me how much you liked it!

- The pain is just a little more than I can stand. - I can't figure you out!

You walk in here without even calling ahead to see if I'm busy with a client.

You just snap your fingers, and expect me to make time for you.

Will you shut up for a moment, Marisa! I'm here because I need your help.

- You see, I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble. - I will... only... will you swear you love me?

Darling! Why do you even ask? There's never been anyone but you!

Tell me... is Caminata supposed to come here today?

He comes every other Tuesday. Never on Monday!

That dirty motherfucker!

Oh, I love it! Come here and talk dirty to me again!

Slut! Whore! Prostitute!

- Filthy cunt... - I love it! I love it!

- Are you sure he won't walk in? - Calm down... he never comes without calling first.

- Are you sure he'll call? - Are you afraid of that fat old windbag, Michele?

Am I afraid? Don't be ridiculous! It's just that he has a check of mine, and I need it back.

Don't bother explaining it. I'll murder you if you've been playing cards again!

Go ahead and murder me, darling. That would almost wipe me out.

- You still haven't learned how to play? - If he cashes my check, I'll...

Don't worry about the money. I offer reasonable interest rates to my clients who are a little short.

- I offer long-term credit... - I'm glad to know that!

- Marisa! Get this hound off of me! - You said he never came on Monday...

- Here, hide under the bed! - I can't fit under here...

Yes you can. They all do. I'll get rid of him...

Little beast! Vicious bitch! That mutt ought to be locked up!

She's the best argument for vivisection that's ever been invented!

What's the matter with her? Why does she get so excited? It's a disgrace!

- Well, I warned you to be careful. - What good is that when there's a dragon in the entry?

She sank her fangs into my leg, and tore my pants! Look at them ... they were new, too.

What's the matter with you today, honey? Are you nervous about something?

You can tell me, honey!

I've asked you never to grab my thighs. You know I'm tender!

Now don't pout! You know I don't like it when you pout. Come on, Marisa, I don't have much time today!

Why don't you just get out! You're all upset about something, and then you come here anyway!

And then you tell me you're in a hurry! What do you think this is, the express check-out lane?

Marisa, don't give me a hard time today! I have the tax people on my back.

They're coming to the factory to check the books. Thank God for my friend in City Hall...

... or they would have walked in unannounced. So have a heart, Marisa - forget I ever hit you.

Of all your patrons, you should realize that I'm your ace in the hole.

What?

The time you set aside for me doesn't always work. And you've offered no alternative other than evenings.

You drive me crazy. Now come on, darling, because I have to leave soon.

Hey! Get lost! I'm not impressed by the fact that you have friends in City Hall!

If you're in such a hurry, why don't you go fuck the tax collector?

No, Marisa... let me underdress you. You're beautiful, Marisa. My beautiful Marisa...

Time is money for both of us!

There... You know I have to fit you in as best I can.

My darling, don't begrudge me the few minutes I have free during a busy week!

You know how I like it. Yes! Touch me there...

Oh... I love it! Yes! Touch me there! You know how to do it!

More! Yes! You're wonderful!

It's never been like this before!

What's that?

The telephone - it's for me. I told them to call me here.

Hello! Ah, Soreno, yes! It's Zacharia, my friend at City Hall.

In case anything came up, I told him where he could reach me.

I'm here... those tax people made the appointment, just like you said.

No way! I'm ready for them now. I take it you want your check?

Speak up...

Who's check? The one that guy from Naples gave me last night at the poker game.

Sure it's good! He's too stupid to write a bum check.

No... I don't have it. I passed it on to that Nascimbeni woman to pay for some milk.

No, I'll write you out another check when we meet for poker. Goodbye...

Now, Marisa ... do me like you used to do!

Get those drums pounding in my brain! Boom, boom, boom...

- Oh, gently, gently! - I'll make it, unless your foot has changed size.

It's the same as you always wear. Can't you...

... put it further in?

Just a little more...

There it goes!

How does it feel? Comfortable?

A bit snug, Mister Michele.

The sacrifices you ladies make in the cause of beauty.

- They feel better already. I'll take them. - I think you'll be happy with them.

I'm also looking for something I can wear this summer. Something lightweight and sporty.

- Open toed... - Yes, open toed. Tonino!

- You calling me, sir? - You think is a good time to be stirring up dust?

My back was turned, like you told me to do when a lady is trying on a pair of...

Forget what I said. the point is, not to be dusting when I'm with a client.

- Now bring me those shoes I asked for. - Ah! I understand... I brought them over already.

- They're mountain-climbing boots. - Who needs mountain-climbing boots?

You ought to have your head examined. The lady has beautifully tiny feet ...

... so small they must have been bound when she was a child.

Like she was brought up by Chinese. Now get those 'Butterfly' sandals I asked for.

22-D.

It will be the perfect shoe for two lovely feet.

- Do you still have that house in Capri? - Yes...

- By the beach, I imagine? - Yes... it's nice and large.

- Beg pardon... here you are, Mr. Michele! - Perfect! This style is called 'Butterfly.'

Quite elegant... Tonino, don't you have something to do?

- What's the matter with you? Get to work! - Oh, yeah... turn the back...

That's right, go stir up some dust.

And is your husband the same as ever?

- Oh please! Don't speak about him! - I understand...

If every woman had such beautiful legs, how lucky they'd be.

These fit you like a glove!

They may feel a little tight right now, but you'll be surprised how much they'll loosen up.

Like fine silk stockings, they flatter your beautiful legs!

The surprising fullness here, the lovely curve of the calf, tapering here to the climax of the 'Butterfly.'

I would probably wear shorts, or nothing less than a miniskirt, if I were you.

Legs like these deserve all the exposure they can get. Don't you agree?

Oh, your stocking is crooked! That spoils the effect.

Just a quick twist, and everything will be straight. Permit me...

A twist... and straight!

Straightening a stocking isn't something I do for everyone, but your legs...

- Michele! - What are you shouting about?

Can't you see I'm busy with the lady? Why are you interrupting?

What is it? Some new shoes come in?

- Excuse me, ma'am, my partner is calling. - Hurry back, because I'd like to try some more...

When I get back, we'll try everything.

- Well, what is it? - We're already in trouble, and you're fondling her thighs?

It's because of the trouble we're in that I've been fondling her thighs.

She's rich! You recognize her? Her husband is Fontonio Alorio.

What do you want? What are you doing here?

- I don't know. - Look at the cash register...

- ... there's no one watching the cash register! - Why not put something in it to watch.

Then put some money in it. Go, go! There's nothing in the cash register?

- Are you telling me? - This is getting to be a crisis!

- You know that check has disappeared? - And you think you'll find it on her thighs?

Someone may overhear you. We're going to be in real trouble the minute that check is deposited!

Now you tell me what I'm supposed to do if I can't play around with a lady...

- There's Giulia Nascimbeni... - I don't want to hear anyone mention her name!