Please Like Me

You are first in the queue.

We will be with you shortly.

We value your time. Thanks for your patience.

- Hi, name please. - Uh, Hannah.

Ah, g'day Hannah. How can we help you?

Um, I need... My phone's been cut off. I forgot to pay the bill.

OK, let me transfer you to Billings.

Um, no... Um...

- No! Ah, fuck! - You are third in the queue.

We will be with you shortly. Thanks for your patience.

You are second in the queue. We will be with you shortly.

- Thanks for your patience. - Argh! Fuck!

Fuck!

You are first in the queue.

We will be with you shortly. Thanks for your patience.

Hannah, dinner's ready!

- Yum-yum, dinner! - Yeah, alright.

Mae, t-t-that's a lot of cheese.

You say that every time.

Every time we have pasta you say, "That's a lot of cheese."

I know it's a lot of cheese, but it's how much cheese I like.

So, please take a mental note that I like a lot of cheese

so we don't have to talk about it again, OK?

- OK. Have as much cheese as you like. - Yes.

What's the matter?

- Is it that time of the month? - No!

I had sex with a man.

A different man.

Josh! What is this?

- It's a French stick. - I thought we weren't eating bread.

I thought it might be nice to have bread.

Josh, why are you doing this?

I just thought, maybe, bread isn't actually the enemy.

Do you know how many times over the last two weeks

I've wanted to eat white food and I didn't?

- Do you know why I didn't? - Because it spikes your blood sugar.

- No! - No?

Well, yes, but also, I did it for us, because of us.

- And now you're quitting on me? - No, don't you say that.

That's not true, Tom. I couldn't quit you.

I mean, surely Arnold doesn't eat bread. So fit.

You just gonna get fat for Arnold now?

- More to love. - No, it's not more to love.

It's the same amount of love. It's just spread thinner!

There were doughnuts at the office today and I didn't touch them.

You did touch your boss's junk, though, right, Tom?

Tom, am I... am I right? Tom?

- Did you get your phone sorted out? - No.

- Oh, what happened? - Dinner.

Well you've really got to get it sorted, Hannah. It's been weeks.

- People want to call you. - What people?

- Me. - Why would you call me?

I'm right here, you're right there.

This is where we always are.

- Hey, it's Friday night. - Yeah.

- Well, we should go out. - Out?

- Yeah, out. - Nuh.

- Yes. - Nuh.

- I want to go to a lesbian bar. - Why would you want to go to a bar?

You've got a lesbian and a beer right here.

Please take me, Hannah, please.

Is this your way of telling me you're a lesbian?

- No. - Just thought I would ask.

You can't be too careful these days.

Will you say something?

Let me finish this...

or it'll go cold.

I used the good mince, I want to finish it.

OK.

It was ages ago.

Last year.

I was pregnant.

I had no control, Alan.

I was a slave to my pregnant hormones.

I bit your arm, I tried to repaint the bathroom,

I cried at the butcher's and I had an affair.

OK.

Who was he?

I don't know his name.

Alright. Would I know his name?

No.

I'm sorry, Alan.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Like the time when you decided we should go kitesurfing.

Where... where did you meet him?

A website.

- The internet? - Yeah.

Bloody internet!

Sick of it.

Our farming changed the genetic structure of wheat

faster than we could evolve alongside it, and now it is poison.

- Bread is low in essential nutrients! - It makes you more hungry.

- Gluten! - Fucking gluten, Josh.

- Fuck off, gluten! - You bloat me, gluten!

Yeah.

Mmm, um...

So, I was just thinking, maybe it's just OK to eat bread sometimes.

No, I can't!

You might be able to eat it just once,

but I'm not strong enough in moral character...

- Shhhh. Shhhh. - Just...

I mean, you know that scene in Aladdin

where Aladdin gives the orphan kid some bread?

- He shares his bread with him? - Of course.

Well, that scene makes me furious, reflecting back on it.

- Arnold again? - You like Arnold.

- Do I? - Yes!

Hannah, that's too much!

Oh...

- Are you having fun? - I'm no expert on fun.

Does it look like I'm having fun?

Well, it's impossible to tell with you.

Well, let's just assume I am.

- Are you smiling on the inside? - I'm drunk on the inside.

Oh, well, I suppose it's better than nothing, isn't it?

We are sure Grace is mine?

Of course, Alan. I was already very pregnant.

- Shh, Gracie. - Oh, God, Grace was there.

It was a mistake. He had pregnant fetish.

He was weird.

He kept talking about the baby inside me.

Oh, I am not happy about it either, you know.

OK.

Are you OK?

You want a cup of tea or something? Or ice-cream?

No, I think we're out of ice-cream.

I'm going to come out to my parents.

- Oh, fuck, that's great. - Yeah. Great.

Terrifying, though. Are you terrified?

- Terrified. - Why?

Uh, Arnold's dad doesn't really like homosexuals.

Oh, no. Why doesn't he like homosexuals?

I don't know. He's just so hassled by them.

Did you just ask why Arnold's dad doesn't like homosexuals?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

As if we could pinpoint why someone is homophobic?

It's not like being scared of dogs, Tom, OK?

He wasn't bitten by a homosexual when he was a child.

Um...

Yeah, I just meant, um...

How do we know that he doesn't like them?

Um, he said so. A few times.

Once, he told me that I should quit the choir

because, "The other boys'll think you're a fag and beat you up.

It's not worth it, Arnie, just sing at home."

He might be OK, though. He's calmed down a bit.

He did grow up in a time where people thought different stuff.

Yeah. And he really likes you, you know.

That might balance out how much he hates queers.

He does like me. Mm.

It's just going to go great, isn't it, Tom? It's gonna be fine, yeah?

Yup.

I understand. It's not like I haven't had affairs.

- Alan! - Not while I've been with you.

- Oh. OK. - I understand, you know?

Hormones, and you were...

- I understand. I'm not mad. - I'm sorry.

Obviously, I wasn't giving you enough attention.

No! Alan, it's my fault. It's not you.

Oh, OK.

- I can make it up to you, huh? - No, please, Mae, don't.

Oh, come on.

Mae, my hands are too soaped up right now to stop you,

but I really want you to hear me when I say I want you to stop.

No, you don't want me to stop.

You're embarrassing yourself!

I want to do it properly at my birthday.

I wanna stand up and announce it. I have nothing to be afraid of.

No, not at your birthday. Not with me there.

No, no. Then they're gonna think it's my fault.

Guys...

I really want to talk about bread.

Oh, yeah, Arnold, you should know, the whole time you've been talking

about this upcoming pivotal moment in your life,

Tom has just been furious that you ate the bread.

I'm still listening!

Oh, so did you not want me to eat your bread?

No, you can do whatever you want with bread.

It's just I choose not to eat it,

and Josh and I were supposed to be doing it together,

but then he decided that his word means nothing.

Tom thinks bread's poison.

Why does everyone suddenly think bread is so bad?

- What's so bad about bread...? - Everything!

There were hot people in the '90s. They ate bread.

Arnold, it's...

It's not really about bread. It's about Josh and...

Well, I'm sorry for dragging you into it. It's not your fault.

You seem actually upset. Are you actually upset?

Am not.

Oh, come on. Cheer up, buddy.

Yeah, buddy. Why don't you tell us about what you're making there?

- None of your business. - Hey, I'm not mocking you.

I'm genuinely interested. I'm Team Tom.

He's making a little cardboard city.

- Why? - None of your fuckin' business!

- He doesn't know why. - Not yet.

Oh. Hey, Ma!

- Hannah's run away! - What? Where are you?

Yeah, I'm in a lesbian bar.