Family Guy

Ah, Sunday at The Clam.

No family. Just football, farts, and friends.

Hey, Jerome, could you turn the volume up?

Ain't nothing like a national ad with mismatched local audio at the end.

The new Chevy Blazer. All roads. All seasons.

Go explore.

Shop our deals at Cerrone's Auto Barn.

Route One, Pawtucket.

And that'll do it here from Denver,

where the Patriots lose their fifth straight, 41 to 6.

Ugh! I hate that people in Denver get to be happy

the rest of the afternoon while we have to be sad.

It's only 2:00 there... Mountain Time.

The man knows his zones.

The only good thing about the game was listening to Tom Brady.

Yeah, it's fun having him in the booth.

Guys, he's doing the game next week at Foxboro. We should go.

I don't know. The traffic on Route One is a nightmare.

I'll tell you what isn't a nightmare on Route One...

the savings at Cerrone's Auto Barn in Pawtucket.

You kind of heard the man. We're going.

Brian! Treat!

Where is it? Where is it? I've been a good boy!

Yeah, I don't have a treat. I just need your help moving a mattress.

Don't do that! You have no idea!

Okay, whoa, geez, whatever.

Anyway, Rupert somehow got his leg stuck

between the side of the crib and the mattress.

Looks like he's also handcuffed to the bars.

Yeah, that's something else. Let's focus on the mattress.

I need you to help me move it so we can free him.

What the deuce?

Brian, is that a built-in ash tray?

- It appears to be, yeah? - How old is this crib?

Well, I think a lot of the stuff in here is hand-me-downs

from Meg and Chris...

and Peter and Lois before them.

Wait, parents would smoke while putting the baby down for a nap?

No, the baby would smoke while the parents were at work.

This was before babysitters, you gotta remember.

Yuck. I deserve better than this white-trash furniture.

Well, maybe the place could use some freshening up.

- You know what? I'll take you to IKEA. - What's that?

It's a furniture store where people go

to eat meatballs and argue with their wives.

Oh, right, that place near the airport.

Yeah, they're always near the airport.

And no other stores.

Uh-oh, I think she's holding it until the flyover.

Boy, they're really late today.

- Yeah! - Oh, yeah!

Greatest country in the world, right?

I'm gonna hold eye contact 'til you respond.

- Oh, absolutely. - Love it or leave it.

Mmm.

Chowder here! Get your hot chowder!

Meg? What the hell are you doing here?

Well, every three years, vendor licenses expire,

so every three years, there's a re-evaluation of...

Hey, short... shorter... shorter story, Meg.

I applied for the job and I got it.

Yes! That is the exact length of story that men want to hear.

Please pass the word amongst your people.

So who wants a creamy clam squirt?

Uh, giggity?

Guys, look at this, there's Brady in the booth!

God, he's gorgeous!

Yeah, I saw him earlier.

That's right where I refill my clam vat.

Wait, you saw him? Lemme smell your eyes.

Meg, you gotta get us in there.

I don't know. Security's pretty tight.

Oh, I can smooth-talk celebrities.

You know, I used to be Eddie Murphy's

late-night pizza and prostitute guy.

- Hello? - Peter, I need two meat lovers.

Again, I need to know if you're talking about pizzas or prostitutes.

Heh, heh, heh. Okay, never mind.

I want two Hawaiians. And make sure they hot!

I feel like our system isn't quite working, Edward.

God, this place is so crowded.

Who are all these people?

Mostly step families, furnishing the lesser house they got after the divorce.

The second time around, you want stuff that's not worth fighting over.

Oh, here we are... kids' bedrooms.

Oh, these are quite nice.

I feel like I'm in the Olympic Village of a not-good country.

I like this bed... the Köksaval.

Oh, sorry, that one's on back order,

but we could get it to you in six to eight weeks.

- Really? - Yeah.

The one thing you want is always the one thing that's out of stock.

That's the IKEA promise.

Sounds like more of a threat.

Uh, I think it sort of walks the line nicely between the two.

Oh, and there's some assembly required.

- How much is some? - All.

Okay, give us a moment.

Oh, that's fine. I'm quitting soon anyway.

Ah! You know, Brian, I just had a thought.

Instead of ordering all this to our house,

we could just make this our house.

What do you mean? You wanna live here?

Well, think about it. We could have a different living room every night

and a different kitchen every morning.

- I don't know. - And Brian, look at that!

A whole array of elevated dog bowls.

Wow, I won't have to lower my face to the floor

like some scumbag cat.

You know what? I'm in.

Excuse me. Is this bed in stock?

What? I don't work here.

No, I know. I work here.

I just don't know anything.

And that's the end of the third quarter.

We'll be right back after this word from your local station.

Who is it?

Uh, yes, we're the family of the people

murdered by Aaron Hernandez,

and we're here to collect our signed football.

Oh. Well, you deserve at least that.

Hey, Tom!

Oh, god, I don't know what's happening!

So Tom, what was your favorite time zone to play in?

That was the question you were fired up about in the elevator?

Oh, who are we kidding? We can't lie to you, Tom.

We're just drunk men who get burp nervous

when talking to our hero.

So... 35 and 13 in the playoffs, huh?

Can we call security? Security!

Clear outta here, you knuckleheads!

I'm sorry. I told them not to bother you.

Wow! Your forearms are massive.

Do you do resistance training?

No. But I do take a Popeye class at Equinox.

Ha! Popeye.

That's one of the six pop culture references I know.

I owe you for saving my butt.

You know, I'm in town for a few days.

Maybe I could take you out for a cup of coffee

while I have a room-temperature brown mushroom liquid.

Sounds great.

Ugh! Speaking of room-temperature brown liquids,

I gotta go lady's spatter the mezzanine toilet.

You see, when vendors have extra clam chowder...

Short... Shorter story, Meg.

Oh, Meg, I am so proud of you.

A date with Tom Brady!

Okay. Now, I know Tom Brady is my favorite athlete,

but you are still my teenage daughter,

so I'll just say, if he's doing hand stuff on you,

try and snap up a Super Bowl ring.

- Dad! - Come on, Peter!

Come on! What? I'm basing this on you, Lois.

Meg, you might not notice,

but your mom is basically like

the "Little Shop of Horror's" plant down there.

Guys, it's just coffee.

It's not like we're getting married.

Married to Tom Brady?!

Wow! I'll finally have a son I can be proud of.

Hi. I'd like to tattoo the word "whore" on my chest.

Getting back at your dad?

You saw the last scene, huh?

Yeah. Big fan.

Yeah, I actually tattoo a lot of pictures of your little brother

on fat people's ankles.

Oh, you mean this guy?

Ha ha! Nice.

Ugh, I ate so much breakfast fish, I'm worried

I'm not going to have room for my lunch fish.

I might go take a walk, see where the arrows take me.

Yesterday they took me to art

any orthodontist would be proud to display.

Okay, sounds good.

I might go pretend write on one of the cardboard computers

in one of the fake dens.

I like our life.

All right, mate, you have coffee with Tom.

I'm gonna steal somebody's phone order and let them worry about it.

- Dozen for Rajeev? - Yes, sir!

Oh, holy crap! Tom Brady?!

I gotta call my almost deaf brother.

Billy! Billy!

Billy, Tom Brady just walked into our Dunkin' Donuts!

Tom Brady!

N... No, I'm not gonna call him Benedict Arnold!

Billy, I'm not gonna call him Benedict Arnold!

My brother Billy thinks you're Benedict Arnold.

Well, New England will always be home to me...

is what I've been told to say.

- Hey, Meg. - Hey, Mr. Brady.

Please. Mr. Brady is my surprisingly unattractive father.

- Call me Tom. - Okay, Tom .

So, is it cool being back?

You're like a god around here.

Well, in my playing days, maybe,

but now that I'm an announcer, it's like starting all over again.

Only this time, I don't have Coach Belichick talking in my ear.

It's easy.