The Dictator

Tensions are rising as the stand-off

between the world community and the rogue North African nation of Wadiya

intensified today

as U.N. Weapons inspectors were once again refused access to the country

by Wadiyan leader, Admiral General Aladeen.

I will take no options off the table. And I mean what I say.

Tonight we ask... Who is General Aladeen?

According to Wadiyan propaganda,

Haffaz Aladeen was born in 1973.

He did not know his mother, who died in childbirth.

General Aladeen was born the only son of the Colonel Aladeen,

himself a savage and violent dictator.

Next!

Known for his iconic beard,

he is protected by 30 female guards,

who he maintains are virgin.

Thrust into power at age seven,

he may just be the most dangerous man in the entire world.

All right, let's get right to it.

Do you have nuclear weapons?

What was the question?

Do you have nuclear weapons?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Are you developing nuclear weapons?

No, I literally can't hear you.

I'm going to another question.

Oh, I can hear you now.

Eccentric and with unlimited oil wealth,

he recently hosted his own Olympic Games...

On your mark, get set.

...at which he won fourteen gold medals.

Aladeen! Aladeen!

Often described as ignorant,

he changed over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen,"

including the words "positive" and "negative," causing mass confusion.

Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?

The Aladeen news?

You are HIV-Aladeen.

With pressure mounting,

Aladeen addressed his nation today.

Aladeen! Aladeen!

People of Wadiya,

I come before you today

to tell you that the world shall kneel before our great nation.

We are two months away from enriching weapons-grade uranium

to be used for peaceful purposes.

It will be used only for medical research

and clean energy. It will, it will.

And will certainly never be used

to attack Is... Oh, boy.

With that speech, today,

the international community is asking one question:

Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya have nuclear weapons?

Now, show me my nuclear weapons!

I can't wait! I can't wait!

This is the Beard of Doom rocket?

This is my weapon? I will be a laughingstock!

All my friends have got nuclear weapons.

Even Ahmadinejad!

And he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice.

Would it kill him to wear a tie?

I mean, is every day in Iran casual Friday?

Where is the Head of my Nuclear Program and Procurer of Women?

Where is Nuclear Nadal?

You had Nadal executed, Supreme Leader.

Why did I do that?

Supreme Leader!

Nadal.

We are just months away from refining weapons-grade uranium,

and we are set to test the missile next week.

It is too round on the top. It needs to be pointy.

Round is not scary. Pointy is scary.

This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy.

They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them.

No, Supreme Leader.

The shape of the missile top has nothing to do with aerodynamics.

It is about the payload delivery.

No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom.

Supreme Leader, I think perhaps

some of your information about bombs is coming from cartoons.

Nonsense. They were research films.

And in them, the victims of the bomb

would get very sooty faces

and then a see-through version of themselves

started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp.

In this film, just one question,

was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens,

his bill goes around to the back of his head,

and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?

There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that.

Okay.

I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons.

Have you spoken to the experts about this?

- Have you consulted Professor Bobeye? - Who?

Professor Bobeye, the one with the incredibly strong forearms

that are miss-sized for his body.

The man you are discussing is called Popeye.

- Bobeye. - He is not a professor.

Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man.

Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot.

Okay. I'm there.

And explain to me how this bomb

will not land in Israel

and then, literally, bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.

Supreme Leader, let me explain to you.

You've lost me.

This is the missile in Wadiya,

you push the button, "Boop!"

Israel...

"No! Why?"

Nuclear winter.

The reality is...

Oy vey!

Us.

Believe me, sir, if I could make the device even a little more pointy,

I would, but I simply cannot.

Okay. You know what?

Let's just agree to disagree, my friend.

Okay.

What? Why? No!

- Don't you remember? - Of course I remember!

How dare you question my memory? I remember everything!

No, I would never do that! Never! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.

Don't worry, it's fine. Well done, my friend.

Thank you.

Wait! Wait! Where are we going?

Admiral General, what if we just tell the United Nations

we have no nuclear weapons?

They will lift the sanctions.

We'll be free to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert.

Uncle Tamir.

Do you not remember what my saintly father

made me promise him on his deathbed?

It was never to sell Wadiya's oil.

You remember that was when he gave me power

instead of you, the rightful heir.

You've been so cool about it.

Now, let's go back to the palace.

It's the season finale

of Real Housewives of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch!

Aladeen! Aladeen!

Death to the tyrant!

Looks like we need to find a new double.

Because this one is...

You know, I don't know if he's going to get better.

Oh, he's not going to recover, sir. He's dead.

Send his wife some chocolate covered almond nuts

in a cellophane wrapped box. Delicious.

We're going to send your wife some almonds.

Chocolate covered versions of these.

Maroush, I think I dropped an almond in his head.

Can you take it out?

What I don't want to do is send the body to the family

and then they discover an almond in his head,

and they say, "Why is there an almond in his head?"

Take it out.

Clean it!

How am I gonna eat that?

- Don't eat it. - Oh, Maroush!

Listen, everything is gonna be just fine.

I don't want you to worry about anything.

Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye when I'm speaking to you?

It's very rude not to look at somebody in the eye when they're talking to you.

It's okay. Don't worry. You're having a rough day.

We shot the wrong man.

I can fix this. I have a new plan. We need to find a new double.

One that is simple enough to be manipulated completely.

I think we found what you are looking for.

You think this man looks like me?

You have a very big barn.

You must have many happy goats, hmm?

What the fuck does that even mean?

Uncle Tamir, this thing is an idiot.

What makes you think he can do the job?

May I remind you that his only real job is to be shot in the head.

Very well. Put him through the process, okay?

Clip his nails, file his teeth,

bleach his skin, and shorten the penis.

Megan! Megan!

You now have herpes.

Megan, you were worth every penny.

You were super hot.

Is my jet ready?

Yes, but do you want to stay the night?

You know, I really want to do some cuddling.

No. Your time is up.

I have to be with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow.

Okay. Maroush, give the goodie bag!

Thanks.

I trust everything is in there,

as your manager requested?

Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.

That's because she let me Aladeen in her face.

Okay.

Right. Are you sure you don't want to stay for some cuddles?

- No. - But, please.

I really want someone to cuddle.

Breaking news now. Just moments ago,

the U.N. Security Council voted

to authorize NATO air strikes against Wadiya,