Doctor Who

Don't let us down now, Valkyrie.

Fingers crossed, Alan. I got everything crossed.

OK, people. Transmission arriving in...

..ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Five, four, three, two, one!

Sorry, I could never resist a countdown!

Who the hell are you?! Is this Neil Armstrong?

What?

Neil Armstrong? First man on the Moon.

Not quite the first...

You mean he wasn't the first man on the Moon?

That is such a human-centric question.

I'm the human in this set up.

She is, actually.

It's a bit embarrassing, really.

Who are you people?

Friendly aliens. Don't mind us, just a day out for the kids.

It's from the Chief!

Is it? Oh, yes. That's right.

Authorising us to go anywhere we please. So - Valkyrie?

Valkyrie... is...

..probing the Martian ice caps with a new kind of camera on board.

Uses a different spectrum

to see under the poles and beam back pictures.

What the hell...?

*DOCTOR WHO Season 10 Episode 09 Episode Title: "The Empress of Mars"

Mars. 1881. Or thereabouts.

According to the TARDIS, that's when the message was made.

Though we may be a bit early.

So, there were humans on Mars in Victorian times?

No.

There weren't.

The TARDIS registered multiple life forms below the surface,

so this seems like the best place to look.

Maybe someone's been messing around with time. Like in The Terminator.

The Terminator?

It's a movie. You haven't seen it?

I'm a very busy man.

You'd like it. It's got killer robots.

Ooh, I'll put it on the list.

Even if there are people here, why would they bother writing

messages on the surface of the planet?

State visit? Patriotic fervour?

Rogue graffiti artist?

Doctor...

I see it.

If there's fire, there's got to be oxygen!

Wait, wait! Let's not be rash.

- OK. - I'll go first.

What are you doing?!

Fire. Oxygen. Basic physics, isn't it?

Could've been basic death!

Wait, how can there be oxygen here?

The indigenous Martians were superb engineers.

Mind you, there's a lot here that doesn't make sense.

It's like the underground tunnels in The Thing.

The what?

It's a movie. You'd like that one too. Everybody dies.

Bill? Bill?

Bill! Bill!

Hang on! We'll find a way down!

Go back to the TARDIS! Get ropes. Lifting gear.

Anything you can find!

Nardole, what the hell are you doing?

So this could go very well or very badly.

Halt!

I say! We weren't expecting company!

Right.

Er... Yeah.

Right.

By the moons, I honour thee. I am the Doctor.

What is your name?

I know your people of old.

I was once... an Honorary Guardian of the Tythonian Hive.

Don't move. I'll sort this beggar out.

No, no, no, no! You don't understand!

This creature is no threat! He may look like a monster to you...

GUNSHOT

I wasn't talking to you.

Are you all right, Friday?

Sir.

Who are you and what the devil are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question. And I will!

Hello.

Hello, Miss?

I was wondering if I could ask for your help?

I need to get to Mars.

Well, I need to get back to Mars, in fact.

Um... and... it's a little bit urgent, only the TARDIS is acting up.

I was wondering if you could tell me how to fix...

'Course I can.'

Oh, right. Thank you.

'But it's probably easier if I just show you.'

Oh. Erm...

Indian or China, m'dear?

Erm. I... I dunno. China?

Where's Nardole?

Erm... He seems to have taken the TARDIS.

- What?! - I'm sure it's only a temporary thing

but it means that for the time being, we're stuck here on Mars.

You were saying, Colonel?

Oh, well, yes, I was stationed out there. South Africa.

One day, I came across something in the veldt.

Something that was clearly not of this earth.

An interplanetary vessel!

I found Friday here on board. In a sort of coma.

Half dead.

Why do you call him that?

Man Friday? As in Robinson Crusoe?

So, according to this you've been on board Friday's ship the whole time?

Yes. We were... That sounds... That sounds...

Convincing?

Yes, that's right. On his ship.

Well, I suppose it was pretty roomy, what!

Yes!

- It was! Yes. Wasn't it? - Yes.

Very roomy.

But the whole, you know, getting on board... I mean, that's all...

It's all a bit hazy. Maybe you could tell us everything.

Yes, well... after I woke him up, Friday asked for my help.

To repair his spaceship?

- Yes. And to bring him home. - In return for what?

Ah. Well, now. That is the question.

BOOM

- Prepare to fire! - At the double!

Go, go, go!

'Friday helped us build the Gargantua, a remarkable piece

'of mining equipment fashioned from one of his ship's artillery.'

'He promised us gemstones, you see, silver... gold...

'Treasure beyond our wildest dreams.'

That's why you helped him come home.

To claim Mars in the name of Queen Victoria.

To loot it of its riches. Stake a claim.

The red planet turned pink.

That was the general idea, old love.

But there's nothing here.

Whole show's been a ruddy wash out. The ship crashed on landing.

I go top side now and then to see if I can repair the beggar.

That's what I was doing when I ran across you.

- And? - No joy so far.

It could have been a fresh start. For all of us.

But now supplies are running as low as morale.

Things are pretty desperate, I'm afraid.

RINGING

THUDDING FOOTSTEPS

You've told us why you came here.

What does he get out of it?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

He was hoping to find his people.

But it appears he was asleep on that ship

much longer than he anticipated.

Mars is dead. Dead as a coffin nail.

Friday is the last of his kind.

Is he now?

You know what Friday is then?

He's an Ice Warrior.

And they're the proper Martians right? They belong here?

Yes. The indigenous species. An ancient reptilian race.

They built themselves a sort of bio-mechanical armour for protection.

The creature within... is at one with its carapace.

The Ice Warriors, they could build a city under the sand

yet drench the snows of Mars with innocent blood.

They could slaughter whole civilisations,

yet weep at the crushing of a flower.

Like The Vikings.

Yes. Yes, very much.

Yeah, Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis! The theme tune is amazing!

There's this brilliant bit where his eye gets gouged out...

Why have you really come back?

I am old and tired and spent.

Now then, Vincey. Look lively, lad.

What's the point, though?

Jackdaw...

Months we've been digging 'ere and what have we got to show for it?

Sweet Fanny Adams, that's what.

Yeah!

What old Friday promised, it's a load of gammon!

- Jackdaw... - What...?

You must come at once, sir. The Gargantua!

She's... She's uncovered something!

Good Lord!

Looks like old Friday came good after all, eh?

It's beautiful. What is it?

A tomb?

Not just any tomb.

This is the tomb of an Ice Queen.

I have a bad feeling about this.

These sarcophagi were sometimes part of a complex hibernation system.

Sergeant Major, get these civilians out of here.

No! Colonel, colonel, you have to let me examine this.

I think not, Doctor. This is a military matter.

This may not just be a grave you've uncovered.

This could be the entrance to an Ice Warrior Hive.

A what? Sergeant Major Peach! I gave you an order...

I am in charge here, Catchlove!

Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

Post a guard.

No-one is to go near this thing until the morning, is that clear?

Yes, sir!

The last thing I'm going to do is take sides.