Surviving Christmas

My firm's done a tremendous amount of market research.

We've discovered two things:

One, most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family.

Two, most Americans feel that in order to stand being around their family...

...for even one or two days...

...they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible.

Now, I'd like you to meet the Noggertons.

They're a classic American family.

They're together on Christmas, they're fat-free...

...and 10 percent alcohol by volume.

Enjoy our family, so you can enjoy your family.

What do you think?

So you're suggesting we tell people the only way to get through the holidays...

...is to drink spiked egg nog?

I'm suggesting the only way to get through the holidays...

...is to buy your farm-fresh, fat-free, pre-spiked egg nog in a bottle.

- Take care. All right. - Heh. It's all good. How do you do it?

I'm very excited. I look forward to it.

It went pretty well, huh?

I'm a genius.

I feel like I could sell whale steaks to Greenpeace.

Nice image.

- Here are your tickets to Fiji. - Ah.

Missy, we've been dating a while. Let's take our relationship to the next level.

I've hoped you would say that.

I got you a little pre-Christmas Christmas gift.

Yeah?

I want you to open it now because it involves our future.

The future of you and me together.

It's kind of for both of us, in that way.

Okay.

Tickets to Fiji?

Yes. First class.

Drew, on Christmas?

Christmas is the family holiday.

I mean, what are we doing? What is this? I mean, what is going on?

Where is this relationship headed?

Fiji. First class.

- Missy? - Uh-uh. Okay. Ha, ha.

Here's an example of one of our problems.

You never introduced me to your family. You never mentioned your family.

Do you even have a family?

How can you be serious about me, if you're not serious about your family?

You need to get some serious help, Drew.

I think you're missing the point.

If I told you everything about me, there'd be no more sense of mystery.

Nothing left to discover.

With nothing left to discover, a relationship dies.

You don't want this to die, do you?

It just did.

Come on. Don't be like that.

You're gonna be like that? Go ahead. Go.

I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.

You can spend Christmas alone.

Missy.

Kathryn, I need you to, uh, get a Cartier bracelet to send to Missy.

Something expensive, a lot of diamonds, very flashy.

- Include a personal note from me. - What exactly do you want it to say?

Something personal that shows the depth of my feelings, my emotions.

- You're good. That's why I hired you. - Okay, but it's not gonna work.

My man.

Oh, Dougie!

Doogan. Doog-ray.

Douglas.

It's Drew.

Drew Latham. Ha, ha.

Yeah. What's up, man?

What are you up? Ah, nothing, nothing.

Hey, man, what're you doing for Christmas?

Family? Nice. Nice call.

Uh, you got room for one more?

Well, I think we are that close.

I love Jewish Christ-- I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.

It'll be great, a matzo-ball soup and baklava.

All right, well, that's Greek. Fine, whatever. I'm just...

You still there?

I know you have a baby. I'm just saying, like, you know...

...they just lie there and crap themselves, right?

After a while, how interesting is that?

No, I'm not saying anything bad. I'm just saying...

Huh?

Well, maybe, your wife doesn't have to come, man.

Maybe it's me and you for Christmas.

You ever think about that?

Would you mind if I came by to your house and spent Christmas?

It's like, uh, one or two, three days, tops.

All right.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, right over here. Everybody stay together.

All real good. Okay, you've got Tu-Tu...

Doctor Freeman! Thank God, I found you.

Sir, sir. Ha, ha.

I gotta spend Christmas alone. I'm having a panic attack.

- You gotta help me. Please! - Who are you? I don't know you.

What? I'm the boyfriend of one of your patients.

- You are? - Missy Vangilder.

Ha, ha. You're Drew. You're Drew. Oh, God.

- What does that mean? - I'm not allowed to say.

- How did you find me? - I bribed a woman at your service.

She should raise her standards or you gotta fire her.

She totally caved for 200 bucks.

- Whatever. - I need a few minutes.

Backpacks on the belt. Game Boy too.

You gotta help me out. I don't wanna spend Christmas alone.

If you would just please!

She's gotta put the bear on the belt.

Can't she walk it through?

She's got to put it on the belt.

- It's a puppy! - I know it's a puppy-

Put Tu-Tu on and she'll go for a ride.

- My Tu-Tu! - I need one second.

If you could just please!

- Okay, give me the puppy. - Sir, I need you to step here.

You're abusing your child. - Can you see I've got my own problems?

- Whoa, whoa, now. - I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Okay. Okay. Hey, I know.

- Heard it on the radio once. - All right.

Write down your grievances about your family on paper.

- All your grievances. - Right.

Uh, go someplace that reminds you of your childhood...

...at sunset and light that piece of paper on fire.

As the last shred of paper is burning away, you whisper:

"I forgive you."

- "I forgive you." Mm-hm.

- And it burns up. That's it.

I like it.

Oh, thanks so much! - Whoa! All right.

- Have a good vaca. - Where's my daughter?

- Sir? - Huh? Oh, there she is.

Whoa! Hey! Come on out! Come out for Daddy!

My grievances.

Okay, buddy, here we go. That'll be $72.50.

My God!

That's it!

That's the house I grew up in.

How's the $72.50 coming?

Good. It's coming good.

Keep the meter running.

Almost out of salami. No.

Well, thank you for telling me.

- I don't wanna run out, that's all. - God forbid.

- Did Brian eat? - I don't know.

Get down here and eat your dinner.

- I'm not hungry! Yeah, you are!

Stop yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Brian!

Brian!

Get down here, please, so your father can stop not yelling at me!

I'm busy!

We shouldn't have put the computer in his room.

He's gonna spend all his time there.

Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear.

He's advancing his skills.

One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job.

Trust me. What he's doing, nobody's gonna pay for...

...because if they did, I'd have retired at 17.

- What? There's a guy out there.

Who the hell is that?

All right. Alone on Christmas. I can do this.

I rid myself of all my grievances.

Be gone, grievances.

What the...?

I forgive you.

Holy Moly. This joker.

What are the neighbors gonna think?

Unless they want to get hit, they shouldn't be burning crap in my yard.

Is he still breathing?

Dear God, Tom. You've killed the man.

Oh, shit! He's still alive!

Hello.

My name is Drew Latham. Ha, ha.

Uh, I grew up in this house.

That's why you came back and tried to burn it down, Pyro Boy?

- Brian, call the cops. - Oh, no, no, no!

That won't be necessary. That's fine. I was just outside burning...

...someone told me to burn a list of my grievances...

...outside of the home of my birth to help me with loneliness issues.

- So, it's all fine. - Oh.

Anyhoo, apologies and I'm gonna go.

Would you mind terribly if I took a look-see around the house?

- I'll give you a tour. Oh, thank you.

Hold on.

- You got any more matches? - No. No, no, no.

Are we done with all that?

Yes. The burning. Yes.

It's completely done. I'm actually better.

I'm watching you.

Wow. I can't believe it!

This is amazing. It's exactly how I remember it.

- You mean it was always a shithole? - No. No, it's great.

Did you hear that?

That stair squeaked.

Do you know what we used to call that squeaky stair?

"The squeaky stair." Ha, ha.

Wow. My old room.

My God.

Hey, look at that! I can touch the ceiling.

It's much smaller than I remember it. Did you do something?

Yeah. We had it reduced.