The Harry Hill Movie

Watch out, mate!

Slow down.

Get off the pavement.

Out of the way, baldy.

Hi! I'm Harry and this is my movie!

(HARRY MOUTHS TO "POPCORN" BY GERSHON KINGSLEY)

Yay!

Hiya!

Whoa!

Ah!

Sorry!

- You can do it! - I can see the head.

Keep going, you're nearly there. Push! Push! Push!

- It's a girl. - Thanks, Harry.

Come on, get it open. Come on.

- Thanks, Harry. - Don't mention it.

Why didn't you let me pass, Nan?

I thought you were someone else.

Mrs Pickford's not been the same since her dog died.

Well, at least this new one seems to do as it's told.

- Yeah. - (NAN) Come on.

- Did you get the chicken? - I knew I'd forgotten something.

- You'll have to get one out the coop. - I hate doing that.

Well, then there's no mid-week roast.

You and your set menu.

Sniper!

Looks like I'm henned in!

Dinner is sewed.

And I picked these up for breakfast too.

Harry, love, sit down.

- It's time I told you something. - What is it, Nan?

You have got a long-lost twin brother called...

Otto, I know. There's pictures of him everywhere.

What, and I've told you this before?

Yeah, for some reason every-time we have eggs!

Can I tell it you again, anyway?

Well you're going to so...

Many years ago,

when you was just a boy...

- What's happened to your voice? - It's my flashback voice.

Many years ago,

when you was just a boy...

Get on with it, Nan.

Your mother and father left me to look after you and Otto

while they went off on a romantic mini-break for two.

To Butlins... but they never came back.

I thought they'd been killed in a freak wave pool accident.

But I later discovered

there were so many attractions on offer they just couldn't leave.

There was tennis and archery, falconry.

There's entertainment every night from top entertainers from the past like Lulu.

- Lulu? - Yes.

I couldn't look after both of you,

so I did what any responsible grandparent would do

and I sent Otto to live with a family of Alsatians near Kettering.

And that was the last...

saw of him.

So, he was brought up by Alsatians?

Oh, yes. It's more common than you'd think.

But you and me Harry,

we've been happy living together ever since.

Yeah, about that.

It's not ideal is it?

What?

Well, it's difficult for me to bring girls back.

- Girls? - You send me to bed at nine,

you always leave the toilet seat up

and why should you have the top bunk?

Are you trying to tell me something, Harry?

Maybe it's time you thought about moving...

Abu!

Come on, Nan.

Abu, are you all right?

I'll check on him.

Abu!

He's a bit under the weather.

He looks alright to me.

It would seem that something...

has disagreed with him.

Let's drive.

But take it easy, Nan, just in case he's sick again...

You got those wet wipes Nan?

"Gone but not fur-gotten".

"A loving and special friend"?

Well, that's a good start.

She says we need an appointment.

- But this is an emergency. - I'm sorry, but we're very busy

and there's absolutely no way you can see the vet

without a pre-booked appointment.

The vet will see you now...

Nice tracksuit.

Yes. A rash; red and swollen round the thighs,

some green discharge,

Interesting.

OK. Bye, Mum.

Now, where were we?

- Excessive vomiting. - Ah, right.

We can give him something for that. Come here.

There!

But to get to the bottom of it, we're going to need to run some tests.

Will they look sinister in a montage?

I'm afraid so.

Ow!

Harry, take a seat.

- I think you might need a drink. - Thank you.

I thought it was tangy.

Well, that was misleading. When you pointed to the...

I was pointing at the chair.

Listen, Harry. It's bad news, I'm afraid.

You see these areas here... and here.

Yes. Like I say, 'not good'.

And the test results, well - ouch!

- Can he be...? - Cured? No.

Poor Abu.

- How long's he got? - Oh I don't know! A week tops.

Which is why I'd like to ask the nurse to put him down.

There must be something we can do?

There's only one thing we can do. The kindest thing.

Mary!

Ah, Mary! Would you mind doing the honours?

Ah!

On!

Never mind.

We'll take him home and think about it!

Harry.

We failed. He's still got the hamster.

The boy, Kisko. Did his disguise fail?

No, his disguise was impeccable.

Well, then, get me that hamster.

We'll try, but...

No buts! Get me that hamster!

Yes! It's an evil twin thing!

That's the Alsatian in me.

And once you're mine, Abu,

there's a spot with your name on it

in my very own Hamsterville.

Look at the little fella, sleeping soundly.

Blissfully unaware that he's going to die.

Die? I'm actually feeling a lot better!

He's awake! Maybe you should tell him?

Let's not. I don't want to ruin his last week.

A week?! But I've just paid a year's subscription to Netflix.

Abu, if I wanted to, for no particular reason,

give you the best week of your life,

just for fun. Nothing sinister about it.

And you could do anything, what would it be, old friend?

One thing.

Is there any chance you could get me to meet Rihanna?

- She's gorgeous, that girl. - Really?

Well, if you're sure.

He wants to go to the top of the Blackpool Tower.

- No! - I'm not surprised.

We had such happy holidays there when we were nippers.

Why don't you understand me? Rihanna.

How can you be sure? You don't speak hamster.

No but I speak a little gerbil and it's practically the same,

- What? - Just a bit more...

That's guinea-pig!

Rihanna, if you're watching, I've got one week - call me.

See how excited he is.

- We're all going to... - Rihanna's house!