Shameless

The fuck were you doing last week

that was more important than watching Shameless?

Protesting homophobia and bigotry?

Damn right you were.

- - Now watch the show!

They made a list of the rapiest bars

on the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?

I can't go to public school. Hopkins made me soft.

I have manners now. I eat pâté.

There's three weeks of school left,

and you got to go somewhere.

What if I help you get better grades?

For free?

No, for protection from Cracker Girl.

Okay, deal.

Your political contributions are welcome

and most appreciated.

Mo White is our only hope.

You sure this isn't about the money, Frank?

Of course it's about the money, Tommy.

- You got a sister? - Half-sister.

She's been in and out of rehab, like, 100 times.

I look after her kid sometimes.

The woman who owns box 669...

Could you tell me about her?

- I mean, what's she like? - She's a junkie.

Her daughter's in here all the time looking for her.

There's a kid...

I want you to recommend to West Point.

I already recommended someone.

- Oh! - Bitch, I'm not asking.

What's his name?

Carl Gallagher.

Aah!

Why do you wear an ankle bracelet

that shocks you when you get near a school?

She told me she was 18.

- But... - But?

She wasn't.

No.

I'm not feeling so good.

Think I'm coming down with something.

Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.

It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything.

Can you just homeschool me?

No coffee. Milk or juice.

All the famous people are homeschooled...

Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln,

Justin Bieber.

I don't see you painting the ceiling

of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs.

Go.

Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs

gonna be dying down there?

It's in God's hands now.

Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right?

The whole house stinks.

I'm providing an essential service

to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers

while racking up on community service hours

for my West Point application.

- It's a win-win. - Hey.

Military service is for losers.

Spoken like a true patriot.

And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right

to be an asshole, Frank.

- What's with the outfit? - Got to hit the stump with Mo.

Tomorrow's election day.

We're fighting

for the under-represented Caucasian male.

I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.

Oh, I know Mo probably

- isn't gonna win. - Probably?

But democracy's about

fighting for what you believe is right.

And rounding up as much

campaign contribution cash as possible.

Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists

and corporate elites.

Only small donations

- from the local citizenry. -

'Cause nobody with any sense

would want to support a pedophile.

Au contraire, fruit of my loins.

No less a luminary than the president

of these United States

supported a candidate of questionable sexual history

in regard to the chasing of underage tail.

Yeah, and the guy lost.

How much you getting paid, Frank?

Here you go.

I take a small stipend,

as is the custom for campaign managers.

Might not want to wear that shirt

out of the house, Frank.

Hey, you okay?

Couldn't sleep.

Got used to all the noise in jail.

It's too quiet here.

First time anybody's ever said that about this place.

Hey, you meet your public defender yet?

Geneva and the Gay Jesus donors got a lawyer for me.

Rich queer, too much time on his hands

since same-sex marriage got fixed.

All right. Hey, Xan, Liam, we got to go.

Here you go. Hey, uh, Ian,

Debbie was supposed to come home last night.

Franny's sleeping upstairs. Can you keep an eye on her

until, uh, she gets back?

Debbie didn't come home last night?

No, no, she said she was going to see a band with some friend.

Just like her mother, ready to spread her legs

for any guy with a wallet chain and a flaming skull tattoo.

Still Father of the Year, Frank.

You have time for breakfast?

Yeah, sure.

- I work swing today. - Mm.

Mm.

Patsy's?

Ah, you mind if we stay in?

I can make us some waffles.

- Waffles? - Yeah.

I love waffles.

Mm.

And I have fresh strawberries.

- Fresh strawberries? - Mm-hmm.

- I love fresh strawberries. -

I just can't believe

that Frank is supporting that child-fucker Mo White.

I'm surprised anything Frank does still surprises you.

You have time to knock on a few doors

for Ruiz with me later?

Ruiz, not Wyman?

Why would I support Wyman?

'Cause she's a woman.

Oh, I should support her

just 'cause she's a woman?

So you would never support a woman 'cause you're a man?

Ruiz is pro-development, pro-business.

He'll be good for the South Side.

And he'll be good for you.

I'm not gonna apologize for enlightened self-interest.

That's what makes America work.

Spoken like a true robber baron.

Spoken like a true socialist.

I'm Irish... free health care,

free college tuition.

Endless rain, potato famine.

Bit behind the times, aren't you?

It doesn't rain?

Patsy's at 5:00.

We'll hit Pilsen.

We got to get those Ruiz votes out

so I can continue exploiting the masses.

- Mm-hmm. -

Oh.

Sure they wouldn't have been better off

if you'd just gassed them like you were supposed to?

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

How are you gonna order men to kill the enemy

if you can't put down a couple of old dogs?

What?

That's what officers do... Order men to kill.

What'd you think they were gonna teach you at West Point,

marching cadences?

Is that what Gay Jesus would do?

What, kill old dogs?

Hell, no.

Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace,

but you're not looking to get into Heaven.

You want to lead lean, mean murdering machines.

Can't kill a couple of old dogs,

might be about time to start considering...

teaching kindergarten?

Nursing school?

[footsteps departing, dog whines]

You don't think someone could misinterpret that sign?

What?

How? If you have a vagina, you're safe.

Vagina Safe Zone.

But it could mean

all the vaginas inside are safe from disease.

There is no way we are still on that rapiest bar list.

We have all the signed sex consent forms,

we took down all the rapey posters