American Pie Presents: Girls' Rules

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Well, you'll come and visit me and, uh, I'll call.

- I love you so much. - Oh, me, too.

Still some packing to do.

Got a big day tomorrow.

- Okay, Mom. I'm coming. - Early start and a long drive.

Goodbye.

- Bye, Mrs. Sawyer. - Bye.

- She hates me. - No she doesn't.

- She doesn't. - No, she really, really does.

But I love you. Okay?

I... I gotta go. I'll call you when I get there.

Call me from the road.

Okay, it's a three-hour drive to Michigan State.

We're gonna be okay. I'll see you soon.

- Okay. Mmm-hmm. - Promise.

You bet your ass you will.

Sittin' here eatin' my heart out, waitin'

Waitin' for some lover to call.

Dialed about a thousand numbers lately.

Almost rang the phone off the wall.

Lookin' for a lover who needs another.

Don't want another night on my own.

Wanna share my love with a warm-blooded lover.

Wanna bring a wild man back home.

Oh, shit.

Gotta have some hot love baby, this evenin'

I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight.

I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin'

Gotta have some lovin'

Gotta have some love tonight.

Hot stuff.

Oh, no.

Oh. Yeah, I'm bare back there. Okay.

Shit.

Oh, god damn it. God damn it.

I need hot stuff.

Hello?

I want some hot stuff That's right.

Hello?

Yeah. Okay. Here we go.

Oh...

Oh, yeah.

Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff.

Hot, hot, hot.

Oh, shit.

Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff.

Hot, hot, hot.

How's about some hot stuff baby, this evenin'?

Ooh, I need your loving.

Gotta have your hot stuff tonight.

Hot stuff.

- Annie? - Hi.

Oh!

Hot stuff.

Oh, yes!

Oh...

Patricia! I'm dying for a piece of that pie, hon.

- Surprise. - What are you doin'?

You leave for college tomorrow and I wanted to give you

a night to remember.

- Sex. - Oh.

- I want to give you sex. - Sure. Yeah.

- Sex with me, tonight, now. - Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Cool. I just

I thought you didn't want to.

Oh, of course I want to.

- I just want it to be special. - Yeah.

- And romantic. And perfect. - Right. Yeah.

I love you and I wanna lose my virginity to you.

Oh, that's... That's so nice.

- That is a Christmas card. - That's what I said.

- I'm gonna take a picture. - My parents would love to see his face.

You wanna do the thing?

Guess what I'm wearing under my coat.

Oh, I'm so ready. I'm so ready.

Oh, my... Oh, what... Uh...

That's not what I wanted.

Wow, what a beautiful pie.

- Hi. - Hello.

Who the hell is it?

It's me, Daddy.

- You're on a video chat. Yeah. - It's a video chat.

What're you doing on TV?

- Maybe you need, like, a doctor? - No. No.

- Need some ointment or something... Oh. - Shut up.

Let's go upstairs and see your grandson, huh?

- We made this pie for him. - Yeah. It's really hot.

She did such a good job.

- Where are you? - I'm right here.

No, not you. I'm talking to them.

We're going upstairs, Mom.

And Jason's gonna be surprised.

- Just wait. - Just wait.

- Who's Jason? - Jason's your grandson, honey.

What channel is this?

Hmm.

Oh! What is that?

What?

Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Yeah.

Honey.

We have a surprise for you.

- Jason? - Jason.

Girl's got a prophylactic in her mouth.

Hold on, Mom. I'm not dressed.

Are you choking on the.

Jason Sawyer, open this door!

Sorry, Mom, I got a charley horse in my leg.

Can you bring me the banana

for the potassium?

Okay.

I love you very much.

But, uh, you gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

- Jason Sawyer! - Sorry, Mom.

That damned charley horse.

Meemaw and Peepaw saw your penis.

No. Not yet. Ow!

You're so smart and gorgeous.

- Now? - Not yet. I'll tell you when.

Just a little higher.

- You're my princess. - Rub softer but faster.

Smash that pussy now! Now!

I cherish you. I cherish you.

- Fuck yeah. - Yeah.

We are the greatest couple ever.

No one has sex like we do.

I mean, I've never had sex like this, but you're my first, so I don't know.

Hey.

I showed you that you're in my lobster poems I wrote about you, right?

Yeah, but, like, how amazing?

Like, oh, I don't know...

Better than the other girls?

You're doing it again.

I'm not jealous. I'm just asking.

Yeah. It starts with asking and then you spiral.

Are you filming us?

You little shit! That is a total violation.

Not cool, Keenan.

You respect my boundaries, you little shit!

Get back here! Give me that phone!

You will learn about emotional intelligence.

Delete that video! The framing isn't even good!

Again? Really?

- Kayla! - Oops. Sorry. Love you.

Who the fuck is Monica?

I do not shrink from this responsibility.

I welcome it.

I do not believe that any of us...

The energy, the faith, the devotion...

- Here we go. - Which we bring to this endeavor...

- Oh, yeah. - Will light our country and all...

Bring it home now.

And the glow from that fire can truly light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans,

ask not what your country can do for you

ask what you can do for your country.

You can ring my bell.

Ring my bell.

You can ring my bell.

- Principal Shankman. - Stephanie.

Whoo!

Been waitin' for you.

That outfit's amazing.

I'm glad you reconsidered, decided to take me up on my offer.

- Strip, slave. - Kinky.

- You like that? - I like it. I like it.

- Are you excited? - Oh, yes, Mistress.

- Handcuffs. - Handcuffs, yeah.

- Is that a whip? - Yes, it is.

- See, it's an app. - Oh.

- It's for S and M freaks like you. - I like it.

I don't really understand it but...

Yeah, 'cause you're fucking stupid.

You know, can you do the mommy thing again?

The kids at school are gonna love that.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Are you filming me?

Fuck, yeah. See, I've had it with you, Principal Shankman,

hitting on me and the other girls. It's gross.

And I really don't want your pervy, sexual harassing ass around

for my senior year, so...

Welcome to your retirement party.

Young lady, take the handcuffs off.

Oh, no, no, no.

See, I'm in charge now, you creepy fuck.

Retire or this video goes viral.

So, take the weekend, think about what you've done.

And I hope this teaches you a very valuable lesson.

Never, ever fuck with a Stifler.

- Stephanie! - Bye!

Stifler! Stifler!

You're in big trouble.

I'm in bigger trouble.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You choked on a blowjob condom and you don't even get slammed?

It's called a dental dam.

Why does no one know this?

Okay. So you use a dental dam for safety,

but you still fell out of a window and you did not get laid.

Yeah, I get it. I messed up.