$#*! My Dad Says

Oh, my God.

What the hell happened to Paula Abdul?

She looks terrible.

Dad, that's Steven Tyler.

Oh.

He looks good.

Oh, my God, what happened to Oprah?

She looks terrible.

That's Randy Jackson.

Oh. He looks good.

Hey.

Hey, how was open house?

Eh, a couple of nibbles.

What the hell is on your lip?

I have a rash, so I couldn't shave above my lip this morning.

I just can't believe how fast it grows in.

Yeah, it's a family trait.

We all grow moustaches really fast.

Ed, I've never seen you with a moustache.

No, that hair thing is from his mother's side.

More specifically, his mother.

It's not just her side.

I can grow a moustache too.

Please. You know something,

you can't grow any facial hair at all.

I bei cagrow a more killer moustache than you.

Care to make this interesting?

Please, somebody make it interesting.

Hello, ed, it's Rosemary pernworth,

your next-door neighbor.

Rosemary, I knew you'd come back.

Most women do after they kiss me.

First of all, I did not kiss you.

You kissed me. Oh, just joking.

A little tongue in cheek.

Like you were doing when you kissed me.

Again, you kissed me.

But I'd rather not talk about that.

My lips are sealed.

Unlike yours...

When you kissed me.

Anyway, I would rather not spend more time here

than I need to.

I'm here to bring you some things

that you could find useful as the new president

of the fleetridge homeowners' association.

Here are the keys to our closet at city hall.

Good-bye.

- You'll be back. - No, I won't.

All right, the little one goes to the cabinet

where we store the town nativity scene,

although we're not allowed to display it anymore,

but we can't figure out a respectful way

of disposing of it.

And the square one is my locker...

Oh, at curves.

I'll take that.

And no one knows what the blue one is for,

but we don't want to throw it out.

Good-bye.

- You'll be back. - No, I won'

The first homeowners' association meeting

is tomorrow night at your house.

As vice president, I have to be there.

Other than that, I am done with you.

You'll be back.

I will not.

I accidentally gave you my house key.

I hereby call this meeting

of the fleetridge homeowners' association to order.

Present are ed goodson, Rosemary pernworth,

Marvin dingle, and Irving and ting-ting Cohen.

How odd.

What are the chances of you and your nurse

having the same last name?

Nurse. I'm his wife.

He's my boo.

Oh, forgive me, I didn't realize he was your boo.

Let the record show that I apologized

to boo and ting-ting Cohen.

So noted.

Mr. president, the floor is yours.

Thank you, madame secretary.

Marvin is fine.

There have been many rumors about my presidency...

That I bribed someone, that I kissed the vice president.

Let me assure you that only one of these things are true,

and I didn't bribe anyone.

You know, we're trying to have a meeting.

Marvin, would you please bring up the first item of business?

Okay, the gloucester house restoration party is Friday.

We'll need representation from the homeowners' association.

Typically, that would be the president.

No. Meeting adjourned.

Wait. Wait, wait. Someone has to be there.

Who's free Friday night?

We can't. It's shabbat.

Fine. Fine. I'll go.

I just have to shuffle some things.

I have things.

I'll go too.

I don't have things.

So moved. Meeting adjourned.

Wait. Hold on. We haven't even gotten to new business.

I would like to bring up the issue

of putting a speed bump on pine Lane.

Negative. That's my street.

Meeting adjourned. That is my street too.

And maniacs barrel down there at 60 Miles an hour.

It's not safe. Well, it's not safe

for me to hit a speed bump going 60 Miles an hour.

You know, maybe for once you could do something

for somebody else, but I guess ed goodson

doesn't do anything that inconveniences him.

Let'put to a vote.

All in favor of putting a speed bump on pine?

All but ed: Aye.

Where's my foot?

Okay, 3 1/2 in favor.

All opposed?

So moved. Speed bump will be installed

on pine Lane. Good.

I'll go next door and get the paperwork.

Meeting adjourned.

This could have been embarrassing.

I almost wore the same outfit.

So that Rosemary's a hot number, huh?

- Yeah. - Between you and me,

I've been working on her since her husband passed away

five years ago.

And I'm finally gonna ask her out

at the house restoration party.

Between you and me, I'm gonna nail her.

That's terrible.

Anyway, how do we undo this speed bump thing?

Well, you're the president. I guess you could just veto it,

but that's kind of a real jerky thing to do.

Yeah, it is. I hereby veto the speed bump.

Hey, anybody need any sweeping done?

'Cause I just got a new push broom.

Let me see.

Holy super Mario.

I know. Doesn't he look exactly like tom Selleck

from the nose down and the lip up?

You want to just pay me now?

Hey, hey.

It hasn't been a week yet.

Trust me, this baby's gonna sprout over night,

and when it does,

it's gonna look like one of those time-lapse nature videos.

Yours isn't even a moustache.

It's a blueprint for where a moustache

might one day be built.

We'll see in a week.

Who's gonna be the judge?

Where the hell is the febreze?

I got to get some ting-ting off my couch-couch.

Dad, we need you to judge us.

Fine. You're both disappointments.

Oh, I'm rry, people,

this took me so long.

I couldn't find the papers. Here you go.

Where... where is everybody?

The meeting broke up.

When?

- How long have you been gone? - 30 minutes.

29 1/2 minutes ago.

Well, good for you.

Well, your first meeting.

What did you think of ting-ting and Irving?

Quite a pair.

Yes, I think he bought them for her.

Want to go upstairs?

Why? What's upstairs?

My bed.

I'll take the dent in the middle.

You can have the high ground.

That's hilarious.

I'm serious.

Let's go upstairs and have some adult fun.

- Oh, ed. - What's the problem?

You're pretty.

There's chemistry.

We're neighbors,

so it's a very short walk of shame home.

Well, that well may be, ed,

but I am n gonna just jump in bed with you.

Why not?

It'll be fun.

We can role-play.

We could be Irving and ting-ting.

I'll let you be Irving.

Look, I'm not that kind of woman.

Are you serious?

I need to be courted.

Hey, listen, I've been married three times.

And each one of them took me to court.

I'm done courting.

Well, I still believe in romance.

I hear you talking.