Joey

I cannot believe what happened to my house.

Let's just get the pictures for the insurance and get out.

All right, how should I pose?

I don't think you should be in the pictures at all.

Michael, I'm an actor.

If I use my powers to convey how upset I am, they'll give me more money.

I just... I need a sec, okay?

Here, here, right here.

Why? No, that's my bad side. Here.

Why?

Do you hear something?

Who the hell is in my house, huh? I got a rifle and a broad sexual appetite.

Jimmy. What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I lost my apartment. And I figured I'd crash here a while.

In my burned-out house? That's crazy.

It ain't so bad. I'm used to the smell now.

And after I made an example out of the big one, the raccoons finally respect me.

- Okay, so my dad's a squatter? - I gotta hear this from my kid?

My entire life people have been labeling me, huh? Squatter, dropout, chubby-chaser.

I say to each his own.

Except for high Episcopalians. You're either Catholic or shut up.

Okay, look, Jimmy, you can't stay here.

I got no place else to go, Joe.

Have you thought about moving in with my mom? She'd probably like that.

- That's not a bad idea. - All right, it's a big step...

...but let me give it some thought. - Okay, great. All right.

- Let's take the rest of those pictures. - Right.

Would you mind lying in the ashes like you're dead...

...while I cry out in anger and pain? - Oh, so they pay you more? Sure, yeah.

- Why? - That was the one. You get it?

- Well, no... - Unbelievable.

Oh, right this way, Edie.

I'll be just a second.

Oh, my God, is that Edie Phillips in your office? I'm such a huge fan.

I know. She's the perfect actress.

Critics love her, and so do trashy pinheads like you.

I know. Joey's on his way up.

Oh, good. I'm gonna set him up with Edie.

Oh, really? I always heard she was a lesbian.

Do not say that out loud.

She has a huge romantic comedy coming out.

- The public needs to think she's straight. - Okay.

So I don't want to hear you calling her the L word or the M word or the G word.

I don't wanna hear about how she VZs.

And I don't wanna see any pictures of her R-ing some girl's O...

...while some H K's in the background.

Okay, okay. So you want Joey to be her beard?

Exactly.

Good luck convincing people. Everyone knows she's gay.

Hey, I got your message. Edie Phillips wants to sleep with me.

Joey, I think you misunderstood my message.

All right, Edie doesn't go out with men that often.

Been a bit of a dry spell, huh?

Well, tonight's forecast calls for heavy doing it...

...with a strong chance of more doing it over the weekend.

Hey, by the way, any network bites on my treatment for Sexy Weatherman?

Joey, I don't think you're hearing me.

It's not just that she doesn't date men.

Edie H's J's.

It's a little weird for a straight girl, but I'll roll with it.

- Oh, my God, Edie Phillips. - Hi, Joey. Thanks for doing this.

And I trust you'll be discreet about it.

- Let me ask, are you also? - Oh, yeah.

So I've arranged your date tonight, and I've alerted the press.

I'll walk you out, Edie.

Make sure Joey knows what's going on.

What does she mean?

You know how you think you're gonna sleep with Edie?

Oh, yeah.

You're right.

Oh, my God. Would you look at this?

It's so embarrassing.

The woman I'm going out with tonight is on the cover of People magazine.

- Edie Phillips? - That's right.

Do I feel a jealous front moving in with scattered showers of regret?

Seriously, talk to Bobbie...

... Sexy Weatherman is the next Desperate Housewives.

I'm sorry, but isn't Edie Phillips supposed...?

Yep.

- And Joey doesn't...? - No.

I was in charge of telling him. I have failed to do so.

Hey, Joe-Joe. Gina, there you are.

- I've been wanting to talk to you. - What's up?

Look, things have been going real good between us, you know.

And maybe I don't come out and say it as often as I should...

...but you make me happy in ways that sometimes I don't deserve.

What the hell? Do I barge into your private moments and make noises?

- No, that was nice, I... - This is between us. Look at the table.

- Jimmy, she was... Okay. - You too, table.

Anyway, I just feel so lucky to have found you after all these years.

And I figured that maybe we could take the next step and move in together.

- Jimmy, I would love that. - Yeah, it'd be good. You know, I mean...

...you're the best thing that ever happened to me.

What? The table did something that made me sad.

- So me and Gina moving in, huh? - I'm proud of you, man. This is huge.

Yeah, it's the biggest thing we've ever done together.

Are you gonna make it about you? Like the other night:

"Give me some dessert. Sing me a song. "

It was my birthday.

All right, here we are.

All right. Jeez, I don't know why she lives in this neighborhood.

I mean, look at this veteran hooker. Not interested.

Hey, Gina.

Welcome home, honey.

Okay, thanks for the ride, guys.

- See you later. - Yeah.

- Bye, guys. - Bye.

- Come on. Let's start our new life together. - Let's do it right now.

All right, let's get out of here. This is disgusting.

No, no. They rolled underneath the truck.

- So your parents are finally living together. - Yeah, I know, it's cool.

I wonder what they're doing. Maybe making dinner...

...or dancing to their favorite song. - I can't take it anymore!

- What the hell's going on? - That woman is impossible.

- I can't make it work. - It's been like seven minutes.

I tried, Joey. God knows I tried.

- We got green lights all the way home. - I'm willing to make this work...

...but relationship is about compromise.

Did you make it inside her house?

No, the fight happened outside, all right?

Nobody tells me I carry my bag weird.

What? Table.

Are you crazy? Look at the table.

Come here, handsome.

Finally. I mean, you paid no attention to me in the limo.

When I leaned across you to get that bottle, I put my butt right in your face.

Could you close the curtains?

Oh, what are you doing?

- What we were doing before. - Well, we don't need to do that now.

Well, we don't need to do it, but we wanna do it.

Thank you.

Thanks again for doing this.

Oh, please, spending the night with a beautiful woman.

- What's better than that? - Not much.

- Okay, please stop doing that. - Why?

Okay, let me just see something here.

Okay.

Now, I don't have this completely figured out...

...but I think when you were very, very young...

...a curtain did something to you.

Look, Joey, was Bobbie clear about what we're doing here tonight?

What do you mean?

Going out with you is a publicity stunt.

I don't have sex with men.

Oh, my God.

So you only H J's.

And to think, I put cologne on my M for nothing.

Wow, this is odd for me. I'm out to dinner with a beautiful woman...

...and there's only a chance we'll end up in bed.

- No chance. - Really?

You must be very gay.

Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Why do you need to pretend to be on a date with me?

Well, I'm in the public eye.

It's important that I maintain a certain image.

Bobbie told me the same thing, yeah.

That's why I'm not allowed to answer questions about race relations anymore.

So we've got a night out together. What do you wanna talk about?

Well, I don't know.

Well, we're both actors. We could talk about that. Did you, like, study?

No, I just make it up as I go along. I memorize some of my lines.

Whenever I don't know what to do, I just put on this big fake smile...

...and America finds it appealing.

Oh, hey, I got a go-to move also.

It's this devil-may-care smirk.

The last TV pilot I did, test audiences found it smack-face-y.

- See? This is fun. - Yeah.

Okay, so just to be clear. We'll hang out, have a nice dinner.

When the cameras are around, you'll make out with me?

- That's right. - Okay.