Superior Donuts

Hello, my fellow Americans.

Hey. Fawz, you're back from Iraq.

I thought you were supposed to be back a week ago.

Well, that was the plan, but as you might have heard,

they've made it a little bit harder

for people like me to get back into the country.

You're the one who voted for him.

I'm not complaining.

I just spent a glorious weekend in the Baghdad airport

living off of Cinnabons and duty-free peppermint schnapps.

Well, I'm glad you're back. (GROANS)

Did you, uh, bring me a souvenir?

Snow globe? T-shirt?

Some of those delicious Kurds I keep hearing about?

First of all, Kurds are people.

And, no, I got you something better.

Try it on. Oh.

Thanks, buddy.

What are those?

Oh, I'm taking the SATs next weekend. Yup.

Franco's been working really hard at applying to college.

And not getting me that donut I ordered five minutes ago.

Oh, my bad, Randy.

You know, I might be too old for college,

but the good news is that I hit that sweet spot

where I get to hit on faculty and students.

Oh, yes, a young black man who works at a donut shop

and spends thousands of dollars on an art degree.

Sounds like a sad documentary.

You know, I'm starting to warm up to that travel ban.

Guess who's got two arthritic thumbs

and just bought a boat? This guy.

Ow.

Wow.

All these years of talking about a boat,

and you finally got one. Yeah.

Never thought I'd see the day. Well,

place has been doing very well ever since I hired Franco here.

Yeah, so instead of putting those profits

into getting me a raise... I bought a boat!

Hey, come on. You're the one that's always telling me

to get out and enjoy my golden years.

You're right, yeah. I think it's dope.

Oh, I bought it at a police auction,

and it was filled with dope.

Oh, man, I would have bought that dope and left the boat.

Okay, here I come.

I love it.

I think I'll go stand outside,

see what the breeze has in store for me.

Ugh.

That poor breeze.

So, is that what men wear in Iraq?

Actually, I forgot to get him something,

so I picked that up at the airport Chico's.

My wife got one for herself.

Tush wears it better.

Damn! These SAT questions weren't designed

for dudes who grew up in the hood.

Yeah, look at this math problem

about the fastest schooner in the regatta.

What's a schooner?

What the hell's a regatta?

It's a yacht race.

Then call it a damn yacht race!

Man, Chicago public schools...

they ain't prep us for this, man.

Our science books were so old,

we had a table of element.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

You know Chance The Rapper donated one million dollars

to the Chicago school system?

You know things are messed up

when the rappers have to save the schools.

Yeah.

You know, Franco, they do have SAT prep courses.

Yeah, but those things are crazy expensive, Randy,

and it ain't like I got boat money.

Well, I could text you the name of one

that's pretty reasonable.

My daughter took it.

And she got into Northwestern.

And now she's gonna be a pediatrician

helping premature babies.

I think she was inspired by watching me with her dad.

Thanks, Randy, I'll check it out.

You know, Franco, if that doesn't work,

you can always sleep with the dean.

That's how I got into the welding academy.

Let's just say I got a full ride

and so did she.

You know, it's gonna cost me $2,200

to dock my boat in Burnham Harbor.

Maybe your Mr. The Rapper can give me the money for that.

Hey, kid, we got a customer.

See if you can sell her $2,200 worth of donuts.

Hi.

Um, uh, good morning. Uh, what can I get you?

Uh, what are you known for?

Well, people do say I have an exquisite set of cheekbones.

Mm.

I bet they do.

But I-I was talking about the donuts.

Oh, right, right, 'cause we're in a donut shop, right.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I know just the one.

You know, he's busy. I'll get it.

Ooh, this place has such a great vibe.

It's like IHOP meets Studio 54.

Then they end up sleeping together

and having a little Superior Donuts baby.

Yeah, we get that all the time. Really?

Course not. That's crazy as hell. Here.

So, how long have you been in business?

Arthur's owned this shop since 1870.

That would be 1970.

You're a neighborhood institution.

What's your secret?

Well, for starters, I make the best damn donuts in Chicago.

Damn right.

Plus we have the perfect location.

We get the commuters from the “L,”

and we get the Cubs fans from Wrigley,

and the stoners from the weed dispensary.

Don't forget the quitters from Weight Watchers.

That's genius.

Okay, well, thanks for the donut.

Um, I'm Sofia, by the way.

I'm Franco. Okay.

Oh, I just moved into the neighborhood,

so, I-I'm sure I'll see you around.

Okay.

You got the door?

She already had it.

Looks like someone made a new friend. Yeah.

Hey, I pay you to work, not to flirt.

I can multitask.

You saw her, she was nice.

And it's hard to resist all this.

Yeah.

All 98 pounds of you.

What the hell is that?

Well, I'm no expert, but it appears to be

a food truck.

“Home of the organic breakfast bowl.”

Ah! Food truck!

He's parking right in front of our shop.

He can't do that.

I agree, Arthur.

It's presumptuous,

egregious, audacious.

Just say it's wack, man.

Hey, hey. There's no way you can park here, pal.

Yeah.

It was a tight squeeze, but I made it, buddy.

No, no, no, no.

I-I-I-I think what he means is you shouldn't park here.

You know, like, right in front of the shop.

But you just said this was the perfect location.

It's called small talk, not use-against-me-later talk.

Hey, look, you're selling breakfast food.

That's my business.

No, actually, I think we have very different clientele.

I cater to people who want socially conscious food choices,

and you cater to people with emotional issues

and a high risk of stroke. Ooh.

This is Uptown.

Nobody's really interested in your fancy edahamama and icacai.

All right?

Is he having a stroke?

It's hard to tell sometimes.

Hey, hey, listen, are you gonna move this truck or not?

Look, I've poured my entire life savings into this truck

and I really need to make it work.

Yeah, well, I've been paying a mortgage

and taxes here for 47 years.

You just can't park here for free and steal all my customers.

Oh, my God, you're right. I...

Now I can.

Wait a minute. No.

That-that-that was a dime.

I saw that. That was a dime.

Unbelievable.

Her line is down the block.

Hey, she just stole two of my stoners.

That's Sheila and Ziggy.

I once saw them smoking the same joint,

Lady and The Tramp style.

Who is she taking next, huh?

My cops, my bikers, my construction workers?

Are you sure you're not thinking of the Village People?

Relax.

Food trucks are just a fad.

No, food trucks means Uptown has arrived, baby.

Soon, this will be a paradise

of yoga studios and beard barbers.

The streets will be paved with gold, not syringes and poop.

Where the hell is Franco?

I need him to have one of those ideas

that I hate at first, but ends up working out.