Family Guy

Come on, kids, people are gonna start showing up

for the costume party any minute.

Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian.

Thanks.

I guess it's not true what they say,

you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it.

That's Houdini.

No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna do the dance.

Do the dance!

Hey, Quagmire. Cool, you dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

Hey, do you say anything funny?

No, I just do quirky things for the sake of being quirky.

You strike me as someone I wouldn't enjoy, but others might.

Who are you dressed as, Peter?

I'm Laura Bush.

And I'm the guy she killed.

That's right. I forgot. Laura Bush killed a guy.

Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy.

Laura Bush killed a guy.

Well, come on in.

You know, this is why...

Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying,

"Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?"

This is what it was about.

This evening is ru-ined.

Look... Wait, what?

This evening is ru-ined. The whole evening is ru-ined.

Why are you saying it like that? Saying what?

I'm just pointing out the party's ru-ined.

You know, I'm not gonna get sucked into this.

Okay, just so I'm sure, really?

Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that?

What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-ined evening.

That's not how you say "ruined."

What? Ru-ined?

What do you call the remains

of ancient Greek structures? Ruins.

And how would you describe this evening?

Ru-ined, of course. This evening is ru-ined.

Say "ruined." Ru-ined.

Ruined. Ru-ined.

Ruined. Ru-ined.

Dumbass.

Brian, don't be crue-Axel.

That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR?

No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz.

Oh, you mean, like, if he dove into the shallow end?

No. Regular Mark Spitz.

Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?

No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won seven gold medals!

Oh, I get it. You're crippled Magnum, P.I.

I'm... Fine, I'm crippled Magnum, P.I.

Brian, there's that girl from my yoga class I wanted you to meet.

Look, Lois, I appreciate it, but I'm not into fix-ups.

Oh, come on, you got to get yourself back out there.

Jane, this is Brian.

Oh, Brian! Lois has told me so much about you.

Wow, you're even more handsome than she said.

Hey, thanks. So, that's a great costume.

What are you? One of Freddy Krueger's victims?

I'm a victim of the liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus.

Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year,

and sometimes babies are put back into the womb

just so that they can be aborted again?

Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary?

No, I have not. Yeah, have a good evening.

Come on, buddy. Let's go.

Yeah, with a capital "C."

Oh, stop looking so depressed, Brian.

I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl who loves abortion as much as you do.

That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just tired of every girl I meet being crazy.

Oh, things will work out for you.

Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books.

Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911.

You think it's easy working all day?

No! I... MAN: You think I like it?

I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it.

No... Yeah, I like being away from you 'cause I can't stand looking at you!

(CRYING) You...

Yeah! You think I want to do that?

You think I want to hurt you?

Not in front of the baby!

I don't want... I don't want to hurt you!

I'm sure there's two sides to this.

You make me hurt you!

Whoops. I'm sorry.

I don't think you want this book. It's all about atheism.

Oh, I know. I'm an atheist.

Really? So am I.

It's all yours. I feel bad taking the last copy.

Well, there's one way to settle this.

If there is a God, send another copy.

I guess that's our answer.

Tell you what. How about I take it and then send it to you after I read it?

Swear to God?

Stop it.

I know, I'm just messing...

Well, listen, here's my address.

Thanks. See you later.

God, still no mail for me, huh?

Jeez, Brian, you've been going through the mail every day for a week.

What are you looking for?

I'm expecting a very important package.

Another one? You haven't even opened the one that came for you a week ago.

You idiot, why didn't you tell me this was here?

Because I've been using it as a hat weight.

A what?

A hat weight, Brian.

My hat kept blowing away,

so I put the package on it so I wouldn't lose it.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

You don't wear a hat and there's no wind in here.

You, sir, owe me one new hat.

You know, I was really glad you sent me the book.

I won't lie to you, I came this close to praying that I'd see you again.

Good thing you didn't,

because who would hear it, right?

Who would hear it, right? I know.

Can I interest you folks in some of our heavenly cheesecake?

No, but I'll have some of your "there's no afterlife" souffle.

Now we got the waiter involved, right?

I love being a part of things. I'll bring your dessert now.

Ah. You know, Carolyn, I rarely find myself connecting with another person

like I have with you. I'm really enjoying your company.

Oh. Me, too, Brian.

I had a really great time tonight, Brian.

Well, is there any reason it has to end?

Don't do it, Brian.

What the hell? Excuse me for a second.

Stewie, have you been hiding in the back all evening?

Yes, I'm saving you from yourself, Brian.

You almost went in there and tried to have sex with that girl.

So? What's wrong with that?

That's why you can't maintain a relationship.

You always try too soon and end up blowing it.

Think about it.

God, you know, maybe you're right.

I do. I always try and jump into the sex right away.

Maybe that's what screws things up.

You know, I'm gonna take it slow this time.

Listen, I got to go.

Really?

Don't worry. You'll see me again.

Good job, Brian. Don't worry. I'll help you through this.

So, you wanna get something to eat?

Can we go someplace where the menus have pictures of the food?

Let's go someplace where the menus have pictures of food!

Gosh, I really enjoyed the movie tonight.

Yeah, you knew it was gonna be a touching comedy

because Robin Williams had a beard.

Oh. My back is so stiff from sitting in that theater chair.

I could probably use a back rub. Do you mind?

Not at all.

You know, I took a Thai massage class at The Learning Annex.

Boy, that's an awfully loud owl.

Don't do it, Brian! Take it slow!

Of course, I'll tell you what would really set you right

is a couple of Aleve and a good night's sleep.

Oh. Um...

All right, if you say so.

Well, I guess I should say good night.

Good job, Brian!

Hi, there. Not interested.

Okay.

Tandem bike.

You gonna take a ride out in the country and let the AIDS blow through your hair?

Get lost, Stewie. I am getting laid tonight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to taking it slow?

I have been taking it slow.

We've been going out for three weeks and I haven't tried anything,

even though she's been giving me some pretty strong signals.

So, do you have any thoughts on what you might want to do tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know, Brian. You don't want to mess things up.

Well, we'll find out tonight, won't we?

All right, but just one last piece of advice.

Remember, listen to her body,

and respond the way you'd want her to respond to you.

Uh, okay. Thanks. That's very helpful.

You'll be a wonderful lover, Brian.

What are you doing?

Sorry, you just had a little something.

Oh, my God! Carolyn? Cleveland?