Cunk on Earth

In the first brilliant instalment

of this soon-to-be award-winning series,

I showed you - for the first time

and better than anyone else -

how humankind dragged itself out of caveman times,

invented farming, thinking and sand triangles,

and eventually founded the brand-new city of Ancient Rome.

But that wasn't the end of the story, obviously,

because it was only Episode One.

There was no denying man had come an incredible distance,

but could he come even further,

or was he spent and in need of a lie-down?

To reach the next level,

humanoid kind would need to believe in something

bigger than man himself.

Bigger even than elephant itself.

In this episode, I'll see how humankind found religion,

and we'll settle an argument that has raged for centuries.

Which is better, the Bible or the Korun?

The Koran.

So, that one?

It all happened right here,

on the only planet still worth fighting for.

This is Cunk on Earth.

The time is half past Rome o'clock BC.

The Romanite Empire is at its most biggest.

But despite the fancy columns and mosaics,

there was an emptiness at the heart of Roman culture.

Holding endless wine-fuelled orgies

in cramped vomitoriums is all very well

but, eventually, you need something more.

And also, a mop.

Humans craved enlighten-ingment.

To find it, they'd need a spiritual role model, an icon,

an almost Christ-like figure.

And as luck would have it,

someone fitting that bill was about to arrive.

None other than Mr Jesus Christ.

He was born in a humble stable

which, ironically, isn't a stable environment for a baby,

unless it's a baby donkey which, if records are to be believed,

Jesus wasn't. In fact, as this

actual painting makes clear,

when Christ was born, he had a magic flaming circle on his head,

which would have set fire to all the hay and pubes as he came out.

Don't worry, I'm doing Islam later.

Jesus was born Jewish, but soon converted to carpentry,

as he followed his dad into the primitive chair and table industry.

What's ironic about Jesus Christ becoming a carpenter

was he was actually named after the two words you're most likely

to shout after hitting your thumb with a hammer.

Scholars believe he was a real historical figure,

like Justin Timberlake or Garfield.

Whether or not they think he was

the actual son of God who performed miracles,

like walking on wine or helping a deaf man see...

..they all agree he preached tolerance and forgiveness -

a message so important, his most ardent followers would eventually

start killing anyone who didn't want to hear it.

Little wonder this radicalised woodsmith

scared the Roman authorities.

They considered Jesus so dangerous,

they had him crucified.

And not just a little, but all the way,

to death.

Just imagine Christ's conflicted emotions.

He'd been sent to Earth to save mankind and, yet, here he was,

enduring the physical agony of being nailed to a cross,

while also knowing what a great logo it would make

for his long-term campaign.

Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying,

so could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture?

I think cancel culture would sort of require

the idea that people...

..really saw Jesus as standing for something,

and they were sure they knew what it was. Oh, no, sorry.

Yeah? That wasn't a question. I'm literally asking if

you could call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture

for our show. Down that lens, there.

Just, you know, it's for a credit sequence

with punchy sound bites in it.

Off you go.

Down that lens.

OK, down this lens? Yeah.

You might even say Jesus was

the first celebrity victim of cancel culture.

Brilliant, thank you.

But incredibly, just when it seemed the life of Christ was over,

he respawned, danced up a hill and leapt all the way up into heaven,

breaking all world records for a standing jump in the process.

During his lifetime,

Jesus only had 12 followers,

fewer even than my Uncle Steve's

uninspiring Instagram account.

But that all changed once his teachings began to spread,

in the form of the written word.

After he died, Jesus came back to Earth

in the form of a book, didn't he?

Why do Christians call that special book The Bib-le?

The Bible.

Is that how it's pronounced?

I've literally never heard anyone say it before. How do you say it?

Bible. So, why is it spelt Bib-le?

Cos I've seen it written down - B-I-B-L-E. BIBle. Yeah, Bible.

Christ's message was spread

far and wide by the apostles,

almost 2,000 years before

the release of Belgian techno anthem Pump Up the Jam.

Pump Up the Jam by Technotronic

# Pump up the jam, pump it up

# While your feet are stompin'

# And the jam is pumpin'

# Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'

# Pump it up a little more

# Get the party going on the dance floor

# See, cos that's where the party's at

# And you'll find out if you do that

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your booty on the floor tonight

# Make my day

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your booty on the floor... #

But not everyone appreciated the swinging sound of Christianity.

Especially in Rome, where Christians were persecuted,

which is Latin for shat on.

And if you were a Christian back then,

perhaps the worst place to find yourself was the Colosseum,

an area of misery on a par with Birmingham.

It was here the Romans first threw Christians to the lions,

possibly to see if their pacifist message would rub off on the beasts

and make them less angry and bitey.

If a Christian won, right, and ate a lion,

would they then go forward to the next round?

You know, and would they have to eat

something else, like a whole horse or something?

Do you know, there's not a lot of evidence

that they threw very many Christians to the lions.

Just for this, can you pretend that

loads of Christians were thrown to the lions? Really?

But that's wrong. Do you think the Christians would forgive the lions

for eating them, while it was happening? They probably didn't

blame the lions. I mean, a lion was only doing

what lions naturally do and... Do we know how the lions felt

about only ever being given one thing to eat?

It can't have been fun, can it, you know?

Imagine if every day, your lunch was just screaming and wouldn't stop.

That's going to have an impact on your mental health.

The mental health of lions? Yeah. Mm.

HE SNIFFS

Incredibly, within a few hundred years,

the Romans had become Christians themselves.

But why?

Tragically, none of the people involved

in Ancient Rome are still alive today.

So, to find out why that happened,

we have to sift through ancient texts,

like you do at the end of a relationship.

Thanks to the modern science of reading, we now know

the Roman Emperor Constantine - whose name means constant,

or unchanging - one day unexpectedly

changed to Christianity.

Soon, all the Romans had converted to Christianity.

And shortly after that,

they stopped throwing Christians to the lions altogether.

No-one knows why.

The Romans had found God almost overnight.

What is it about religion that can win us over so unexpectedly?

Why do humans need to believe in something bigger than ourselves?

Is it so we don't feel quite so fat?

Well, I think the sense of purpose

and value constitutes a very important element of a happy life.

But it must help, if you think how big the world is,

suddenly, you feel a lot slimmer.

Quite possibly.

Some people have a sudden religious conversion, don't they?

My mate Paul was driving to Winchester

when a lorry jack-knifed in front of him,

and he was hurtling towards it and everything went slow-mo.

And Paul, who's never been religious, spoke to Jesus and said,

"I promise if I survive this, I'll believe in you."

And he did survive, but he fractured his skull and broke both his legs.

Why did Jesus do that to him?

Well, you've raised a very significant question

about the nature of providence.

Have I? You have, indeed.

If we believe in a good God,

why is there so much evil in the world?

Now, your friend... Paul.

..Paul, his accident,

you know, to what extent can one blame God for that?

See, Paul never forgave him.

He said, "If I ever see Christ again, he's a dead man."

Right.

Rome had become a beacon

of Christian faith, but disaster

was just around the corner

because the Romans had converted to a religion of peace,

just in time to have their arse handed to them

by some people who mainly believed in hammers and smashing.

They were the Vandals,