Where the Buffalo Roam

- (BUZZING CONTINUES) - Stop it!

- Go away! - (BUZZING CONTINUES)

- (BUZZING CONTINUES) - Get a grip, Thompson.

Come on. It's just a deadline. You got two hours till the presses roll.

Shut up! You'll get words when I want to give them to you.

No need to panic, huh?

Just another deadline.

I'll just lash together a few raw facts,

little bit of old negro wisdom,

and this nightmare is over.

- Nixon. - (BARKING)

Come on, easy boy. You never liked this.

Bronco, come on. Bronco, come on. Fun is fun.

- (SNARLING) - Come on! Lie on your side. Down!

Lie on your side.

Fun is fun.

Good boy, Bronco.

Savage bastards.

There, chew on that gibberish for a while, you heartless scum.

You've pushed me too far.

Down, Bronco, he's mine!

I was deciding to write off this weird town, makes you sleep forever.

'This wouldn't be the first time I got sucked into writing about Lazlo, Karl Lazlo esquire,

'attorney at law, my attorney.

'This was the man I counted on to keep me out of jail in those years.

'Those weird years between the '60s and the '70s,

'the age of Nixon.

'It was a time to keep your head down.

'I was a working journalist, a hired geek of sorts, and Lazlo was great company

'and sometimes a good lawyer.

'It was a fast, strange time, and we worked in fast, strange ways.'

He claimed he was being chased by Mr Nixon

when his car was attacked by a swarm of bats.

Bats?

It's obvious he was having a paranoid drug reaction.

Every 20 minutes, he calls down to the desk, demands to see his lawyer and hangs up.

He claims he's being held a prisoner.

Uh-oh.

Er, I'm rambling.

Er...

I think I'd better tell my readers that I'm no longer responsible for anything I write.

Er, I've been without sleep for 80 hours so I'm beyond simple fatigue.

The hallucinations have stopped, finally, thank God,

but my adrenaline reserves are burning out

and I'm staring into the face of a psychotic freak-out.

- What are you doing? - I'm writing.

Writing?

Yeah. And my deadline page, too. I'm pouring it on now. Right on the edge.

But I made a smart move checking into this place

because, you know, in case I lose it totally,

I know I'll be safe in the arms of the sisters of mercy.

What are you writing?

My Attorney Versus American Justice.

Cute title, and, er...

hopefully I'll be able to finish it.

Morning.

Ahhh. Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Er... let me recommend... Try a blue one.

A blue one? Really?

Wow!

Little bugger gets right on top of you.

Shit. Shit!

'Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton in administration.

'Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton.'

No! No more, please! - Sorry.

Hmm.

Shh.

Just relax.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

I'll be gone in a second.

Nice day.

Take it easy.

Five more minutes then we're out of here.

We could just make it away with you along, you know.

Student nurse, you know.

Clear-headed. Used to thinking in terms of crisis.

Bat!

Lazlo. What took you so long? It's been a nightmare here.

- Bat. - Ooh. What have you done?

Jeez, she was just fine a minute ago.

Oh, I'm eating her cookie. Cook, the bat here is Karl Lazlo.

As your attorney, I advise you to leave this room at once.

Right.

Oh, shit. Good thinking, we may need this.

- Come on, get your things, let's go, Cook. - No, she should stay.

We can't leave her in this snake pit, they'll pick her bones clean.

- Thompson, trust my judgment. - Not in this instance. She's harmless.

She's good with her hands too, she made these for me.

Come on!

- (KNOCKING) - Oh, jeez.

You'll probably be safer here.

- (KNOCKING) Mr Thompson!

- Yeah! - Mr Thompson, open the door.

- (KNOCKING) - Mr Thompson.

- Watch out for this fucker. - You have one of our nurses in there.

All right, er... Vaya con dios.

- Shit. Shit! - (KNOCKING)

Shit. Shit!

Ah, shit.

You gotta get this because it's important.

- Can you drive and...? - No problem.

The key aspects are all in the Fourth Amendment...

Great, a basis in reality, that's good.

- ...including the need for probable cause... - Probable cause? All right.

...and the right for people to be secure in their homes free from illegal search.

That's the big one. It's the fucking Constitution.

I mean... Hey, you're getting all of this too.

- I'm a total professional. Good.

Cos this is important stuff, a whole generation of kids are being screwed.

Their rights are being violated every day by the police.

They take the kids, rough 'em up, throw 'em in jail...

- Gestapo tactics. - Exactly.

All right, spread 'em, hit the wall.

Come on, shut up and get your head down.

- Come on, will you...? - Spread 'em!

The judges are cold,

they throw the kids in jail, give them ridiculous sentences, all for headlines.

- You getting this? - Yep.

- Good. Stay with me. - (HORN BLARING)

Hey! Goddamn... Hey!

Come back here!

How many people are gonna read this?

About 800,000, a million maybe.

Huh.

- When is this gonna come out? - Well...

it was supposed to be in the last issue but maybe this one.

- When did these come in? - An hour ago.

I want to see everything. Page, get up here!

Well?

Nobody's seen him since he left the hospital.

- Get on the phone. - You know him, he could be anywhere.

I don't give a shit. You find him.

He owes me a cover story and I want it.

- OK, I'm going, I'm doing, I'm looking. - Check the bars.

- (LAZLO SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) - No.

No.

Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- Mr Lazlo! - Well... look who's here.

- The master barrister. - That's right.

Give me the Colts, the Steelers, the Jets...

- Jasper Russell meet Dr Thompson. - Hello, Doctor.

I'm taking the Bears, I can't quit on them.

Excellent bone man. He specialises in gunshot wounds.

Well, I can give you a cheque.

I know, but...

Well, you know where you can find me.

He's a weirdo, Lazlo.

Lazlo, how are you doing?

Never better.

You know, I really admire you.

- Really? - Yeah. But you could do a lot better.

- No shit. - You're strong, you're tough,

you're good, the clients like you.

But it's the wrong rules, and you're playing the wrong game.

Let me send you some real clients - divorce, real estate.

That's business, Lazlo.

You can do the cases, we'll split it down the middle.

We'll make a deal, we'll make money.

- The guy said... - Money?

...that it wasn't so bad to make money.

- Remember that. - You mean I'd, er...