The Middle

Certain things you can count on

for Valentine's day... flowers, candy,

Mike ranting about flowers and candy...

I'm just saying it's not a real holiday. It's a scam cooked up

by the greeting card companies, and everybody buys into it.

Some college kid in an office building somewhere

is gonna write a card telling me how I feel? I don't think so.

You don't have to get me a card.

I'll get you your card. And what about the flowers?

I got to bring flowers just 'cause it's February 14th?

What if I want to bring you flowers

on some other day of the year? You don't need to bring me flowers.

Yeah, I'm gonna be the one idiot in America

who doesn't bring his wife flowers on Valentine's day.

Don't worry. You'll get your flowers.

And while you're there, we need vacuum bags and a new plunger.

Hey, Brick, you're slowing down. Come on.

You got 30 kids in the class. You got to keep moving.

Have you guys seen these things? It's candy with words on it.

Candy and words? Who thought of this?

Brick, we got to sign your name to the card,

stick it in the envelope with a couple of hearts, lick it.

Come on. Brick, stick, lick, done.

When did they invent these?

"Be mine"... so simple, yet so profound.

"Love ya"... genius!

Hey, Sue. You want to help Brick with his valentines?

Sorry, mom. I'm on my own project here,

and I've only got four days left.

Valentine's day had started Sue thinking about love

and the fact that she still hadn't found the boy she shared

her first kiss with on the church Halloween hayride.

Ironically, after the hayride,

the boy left before the girl dressed like a crayon

could find something to write down his name and number.

But that didn't stop Sue from looking for him.

Thank you for coming. Do you have a son?

Thank you for coming. Do you have a son?

Oh. Excuse me, sir. I'm taking a survey.

Uh, can I get your address, kids' names,

and what they went dressed as for Halloween? What's this for?

School.

And... the whales.

I just know I'm gonna find him, carly.

I just have to up my search. I wouldn't count on it.

If I kissed you, I'd probably go into hiding, too.

Oh! Get in the unemployment line, 'cause you just got axed!

Not the one with the lion on it.

Whoa. What's the big deal about this one?

"I like you, and I'm not lion."

Someone spent four years in college to come up with that.

That one's for autumn Wagner.

Ohh, so who's autumn Wagner?

She has pink lips and can do three cartwheels...

In a row.

Well... no wonder she gets the lion Valentine.

Come on. You heard your mom. Brick, stick, lick, done.

Are you nuts? I can't put my name on it.

Then she'll know I like her.

I'm gonna sign it, "love," and then a question mark.

Ohh, secret admirer. Have I met her before?

You will tomorrow. You signed up to do

the Valentine craft and party, remember? What?

They also need you to bring 30 empty shoeboxes.

Well, I can't.

If you recall, your teacher banned me from the classroom.

So, Mike, looks like you're up.

Oh, I'm gonna be busy buying you flowers.

Nice try.

If I were you,

I'd start trolling the dumpster behind shoe barn.

If you get there in the morning, there aren't so many cats.

I got to tell you, being banned wasn't all that bad.

I had the day off of work, the house to myself,

and a backlog of Oprahs waiting for me.

Hey, mom. Axl.

What are you doing here?

I was just cleaning the cupboards. It's a teacher in-service day.

Well, if y don't have school, what are you doing out of bed?

Well, I was thinking maybe you could take me to the mall.

You mean, like, drop you off? Like... go inside.

T our standard deal of not coming within 50 feet of you?

I'm allowing a one-time exception. Oh, really? What's the occasion?

Well, I started dating this chick Vanessa

a week before Valentine's day,

and now I'm on the hook to get her a present. Rookie mistake.

And I was totally cracking under the pressure,

but then I thought, "hey, mom used to be a girl once.

Maybe she could help me pick something out."

So you're... asking me to do something with you?

Like, for real?

Oh, Axl.

Of course I'll go with you.

Mom? Do you want to put some clothes on?

Oh, right.

Usually, I'm telling you that!

How about this?

No? Um... this?

Maybe. Ohh...

God. Why is this so hard?

Shopping with my son... he asked me.

It's okay. We're gonna find something.

There's at least 12 other stores in this mall for girls your age.

Yeah... She's not exactly my age.

Well, whose age would she be?

Someone who's 19.

Okay. Well, does she like butterflies?

Yeah! That could be sweet. It'd match her tattoo.

Tattoo?

Well, I guess a lot of people have tattoos these days, so...

So what, if she has a little butterfly? It's sort of more like

a flock of 'em going from her neck all the way down to...

maybe she'd like a scarf. Girls like scarves.

Hey! Good call. You know, that one would match her hair.

Oh, yeah? So her hair's pink?

Not like one of those lame people you see with pink hair.

It's like a ally cool pink.

You know? Well, the part that's not shaved, I mean. Okay, look, Axl...

mom, I want to thank you again for helping me out.

You're really saving me here.

Do you want to grab some lunch at the food court?

Well, sure! I'm hungry. I guess we could get something.

My son invited me to lunch.

Carnation for your Valentine?

Buy a carnation for your Valentine!

So stupid for not getting his number. I just thought

he'd be back at youth group and I'd see him again.

Sue, it's been four months, and you haven't found him.

I-m-h-o, I just think focusing your energy on someone who may

or may not be real isn't helping you find someone who... is real.

Oh, my God! You think I made him up?

Maybe it was just post-traumatic stress

from not being asked to the Halloween dance.

That was pretty stressful.

And I did eat a lot of sugar that night. Huh.

You really think I could have made him up?

I'm usually not that creative.

Oh. Sorry.

I don't know.

Brick's dad. Should I use pink glitter or purple?

Pink or purple?

Just... just... glue something... Slap some glitter on it, and...

There are no wrong answers.

Brick's dad! Brick's dad! I ran out of glue.

Well, you got plenty on your hands there.

If you run out of that, there's more on my shirt.

Hey! Look out, autumn! Glue hands!

Ew! Gross, Dale!

I can't get these scissors to work.

Oh, Brick. Cutting's hard for you, isn't it?

Here, let me help you.

Hey. We don't get too many dads in here. How you holding up?

Oh, you know, it's a good chance to see the kids and everything.

It's a nightmare, isn't it? I'm this close to pulling a fire alarm.

Which one's yours?

Autumn Wagner.

Oh, yeah? You know, I think Brick's got a crush on her.

That's so cute!

Dad blabbed to autumn's mom that I like autumn.

She told autumn, and now everything's wrecked!

Oh, nothing's wrecked.

I'm done. Thanks a lot, dad.

There's no advice on a candy heart that can fix this.

What? I was... Making chitchat.

Since when do you make chitchat?

I don't know. I... this mom spoke to me, so I spoke back.

Ohh. Hang on. Was it pilates mom?

I don't know. She seemed fit.

What'd she look like? I don't know. Uh, ponytail, green eyes.

You noticed the color of her eyes?

What color are my eyes?

They change with the weather.

Wrong, Mike. Brown. Always brown.

Rain, snow, sleet, or hail... brown, brown, brown.

- She approached me. - Yeah, well, when you go back to do the Valentine party,

just remember, do your time, no chitchat.

Back? What do you mean, back?

You only did the Valentine box.

Now you gotta do the Valentine delivery for Valentine's day. Think.

I guess I didn't realize that when I signed up.

Or it could be the fact that I never signed up.

Well, maybe if I had a ponytail and stretch pants,

you wouldn't be giving me so much crap.

It was a jogging suit. What am I wearing right now?

Your eyes are brown.

Uh, hi. I need to see you.

I thought you might.

Yeah, I'm a new student.

I just transferred here from Bobby knight junior high...

ohh! You went to Bobby knight? That totally makes sense!

It's outside of a 40-mile search radius. What?

Nothing. Anyway, uh, I can't find my Spanish class

and they said I should come to the office.

Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah. I-I can show you to your class.

I work here in the office, so I have an all-access hall pass.

I'm kind of a big deal.

I've seen the boiler room.

Hey, buddy. Can we talk to you for a sec?

Listen, Brick, we know you didn't want autumn to find out

that you liked her yet, but this could be a good thing.