Dead Set

No! No!

GRUNTlNG

- You won't make it. - I have got to go.

We're gonna get to the nearest port, get the fuck out of Britain.

We can't. They just keep coming.

Oh, fuck.

That's one of them, er, water door things.

- Pass me the peanut butter. - What's the magic word?.

Fuck off.

- We need an escape plan. - We haven't thought of that.

We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and drive straight through!

- (Space) With what?. - (Riq) Fuck.

They eat flesh, don't they, right?. That's what they eat.

We'll give 'em some!

- I'm so sorry. - I know.

I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game,

you titted fucking idiot!

You should come help me with this. It's not as bad as it looks.

Oh. Got a live one.

Oh!

SHOOTlNG

Oi! I'm... I'm a normal person!

Coulda sworn this one said summat.

I'm normal!

Heh! Says he's normal!

SHOOTlNG

- Don't fucking shoot, then! - Do ya mean?.

I'm a normal person!

Riq. Riq!

- Riq! - Kelly?.

< Riq!

Who the fuck's Riq?.

Oh! Come on!

Come on!

Riq!

MOANlNG

LAUGHlNG

Yes!

- You stink! - Come here.

Ooh!

What do you reckon?. Gonna need more than this?.

CHUCKLlNG

Oh!

- It's so good to see you. - Stink, do l?.

Do I stink?.

Let's get you washed up and start thinking about where we can go.

What?.

Well, you came from somewhere. There's places that it's safe, right?.

It's fucked out there.

- Yeah, but... - It's completely fucked up.

Well, I mean, how far did you go?. There's...

No, listen, this thing's global.

All right?. It's not gonna be over in six days or six months.

All that old stuff is gone.

I mean, you came to take me away.

Baby, l...

I don't mean to interrupt anything yeah but...

..an intro would be nice.

- This is Riq. - You all right, man?.

Riq?. My friends call me Space.

Space?. Yeah. I've seen you on the telly.

- Yeah?. - Yeah.

No, he's lying. He doesn't watch it.

Well, I've been catching up recently. Believe.

Well, come on, then!

LAUGHlNG

A right touching romance we've got here.

- (Veronica) Who's he?. - Everyone, this is Riq.

Fuck who he is. How did he get here?.

Sorry?.

How did you get here?.

Helicopter?. Magic Mole Machine?. What?.

Nah, jumped over the fence round the back.

The fence?. So, that's... that's like a safe route, is it?.

Like fuck is it. It's crawling with those things.

Riq's been outside so we should listen to what he says.

- What is he?. A tour guide?. - No, actually, he's my boyfriend.

Oh, right! Sorry. So you've come here to save her. How sweet.

- Aw, I like it. - (Veronica) What's happening there?.

Basically it's a wasteland.

Right, so, how did you get here through this wasteland?.

Down the river.

The river?. In a boat?.

Yeah. Sorry. Who are you?.

Tony Curtis. Where is that boat now?.

It's downstream.

- Downstream?. - Yeah, it floated off.

Right. Fucking right. So you didn't want to moor it up?.

Are you on some personal quest to redefine ineptitude?.

I was being fucking chased.

Oh. Ho-ho. Fucking boo-hoo.

Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here,

the van is still our best bet, right?.

I have prepped the bait.

So, fucking vamoose, chop chop, let's go.

You're not in charge!

Yeah, um, we're not going anywhere.

Look, if that Mary's made it,

there's gonna be other survivors, OK?.

No!

You'll spend all your time looking for somewhere half as secure as this.

You're not gonna find it, mate.

Yeah. There's food here, solar panels, fortified fences.

- It just makes more sense. - Don't confuse them with facts!

- It's... - There's nothing out there, mate.

Nothing.

For all we know, we're all there is.

Brilliant.

Thank you very much for the pep talk.

Very nice to meet you, Janice.

Right, we're going. Come on. Let's go.

We never decided.

Don't tell me you believe that tit-a-ma-boob.

He can't even tie up a boat for Christ's sake.

I was fucking chased!

Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons!

- I'm not going. - Fine!

Die here in cuckoo land. How about you?.

- Stay. - (Kelly) She's right.

- He can speak for himself. - I'm staying.

Oh, grow some nuts.

Well, it's my decision, all right?. All for one and that.

Who do you think you are?.

Love's young dream here in fucking cutie cottage?.

We're sticking together.

- She's stolen your heart, has she?. - Yeah, something like that.

Oh, fucking wake up, Mutley.

She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the highlights reel, you chimpanzee.

No, I never, you fuckwit!

You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there was a Heat cover in it.

- Who asked you?. - You would if it got you somewhere.

Fucking stop!

This is crazy!

Look, Patrick, you're outvoted.

- We haven't all spoken. - No, I'm staying.

You know this lot hate you.

- You know it's true. - Look, who cares who said what?.

I mean, Patrick, none of that matters anymore.

- No-one's going anywhere. - I bloody am.

You don't get it, do you?. You just don't get it.

Get what?.

To leave you need to go through them gates.

You open the gates, they're gonna keep flooding in.

- (Space) And then we're all fucked. - So?.

- So you have to stay! - No, I don't.

We have to! We have to.

Look, this is the only way it's gonna work.

Look, we need to be realistic, Patrick.

- "Na-na-na-na, na-na-nah." Fuck off. - What the...?.

See ya, losers!

CHUCKLlNG

- Get out my way. Get away. - Stop.

- Patrick. - Get away. Get away.

- Get away. - Don't make me do this, Patrick.

Patrick, please don't force me to do this.

You're gonna have to shoot me in the back, darling.

SHOOTlNG AND SCREAM lNG

Don't fucking test me.

- Got him. - Hold him, hold him!

Get off me, fucker.

GRUNTlNG AND THUD

What a knob.

- (Riq) Is he always like this?. - (Kelly) Yeah.

The keys.

Chuck him in there.

Tie him up good and tight.

And Space?. Fucking gag him an' all.

Oh.

GROANlNG

I'd have had him then if he'd not kicked me in the nuts.

GRUNTlNG

MOANlNG

GRUNTlNG

PANTlNG

I don't like him being in there. I really need a wee.

It won't be for much longer. We just need to talk some sense into him.

Good luck with that!

I've worked for him, OK?. He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed.

- You call that "a bit doodah"?. - The man's a walking hazard.

Once he's off the boil, he's almost human.

He's just at his worst... He'll level out.

Babes, babes...you can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?.

And he is well on the moon.

They're right.

GRUNTS

GRUNTS

CRASH!

- What was that?. - I'm not going. I went last time.

I'll go.

Well, he can't have wiggled out. I tied him up like a piglet.

Good, the fat fucking porker.

DOOR CREAKlNG

GASPlNG

Sorry, I'm going to have to...

DOOR SHUTS

Patrick!

Jesus!

URlNATlNG

GRUNTlNG

I can't go if you're making that noise, can l?.