My Own Worst Enemy

My name is Edward.

By now you'll have forgotten all about me,

but you need to listen very carefully to what I have to say.

First, call your wife and tell her you're going to miss the soccer game.

Your life depends on it.

The exchange is going down now.

I've got eyes.

You better be right about this.

We're giving more than we're getting tonight.

EDWARD. It was the fastest way to Iet the KGB know that I was in Paris.

I had to be sure Natasha would be here.

Bring her in, Edward.

I don't need to tell you, she's the only way to the marbles.

Gotta go, Mavis.

Did I wake you?

I've never seen you sleep.

I don't Iike to sleep, not when I'm awake.

It says in your file that you're an insomniac.

What else does it say in my file?

Not much.

Considering I've been writing it for 10 years.

My handlers say you're either very simple or very complicated.

What do you think?

I think you're the closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend.

So, what do you say, Edward?

Am I the girl of your dreams?

I don't dream.

You're a bastard.

We don't really know each other.

Don't Iet an act of deception turn into an act of self-deception.

I'm Iooking for Uzi Kafelnikof.

Why would you go and do something stupid Iike that?

He took something that doesn't belong to him.

I know the feeling.

Anyway, if you're Iooking for Uzi, you don't need my help.

Sooner or Iater, Uzi will Iook for you.

Hello?

No, I will not need any breakfast,

but I will need turndown service.

Can you tell me what time check-out is?

Can you please arrange a car for pickup tomorrow morning?

Thank you, sir. Merci.

It's always a job.

Who's winning?

I am.

It's not a bad suit.

Can you believe he buys them right off the rack?

What happened in France?

God created the most beautiful place on Earth,

then he put the French there to even things out.

Never mind God, why did I put you there?

You were told to bring her in.

I was told to bring her in, if I could.

You spent three hours making Iove to her.

Tell me, Edward,

at what point did the situation become untenable?

Right after she killed the bed.

She was our best Iink to Uzi.

You wouldn't have broken her.

Don't tell me what I wouldn't have done.

You Iet your feelings get in the way of an assignment.

My what? I am of the opinion

that you defied a direct order

to save an asset you developed feelings for from torture.

You're projecting, Mavis.

I didn't feel one way or the other about her.

I just wanted to get Iaid.

It's been a while since I've been out.

There's a reason you have...

Sorry to interrupt.

He's gonna be Iate if we don't get a move on.

How was Paris?

They won't Iet you smoke anymore.

Next thing you know they'II stop being rude.

Yeah, welcome to the new world order.

How was the mission? I killed it.

You feeling okay?

That all depends. Did the Angels beat the White Sox?

Eighty-seven in LA.

Any migraines? No.

Any continuity issues?

Bruises? Gun shots? Knife wounds?

No, no.

Wait.

I cut myself shaving.

Where?

Under the chin, Ieft of center.

Got it. Any conversations with the wife he needs to remember?

She says he's having sex with his job.

Prepping remote switch.

COMPuTER: Absolutely.

Initiating memory feed.

And what nail-biting adventures did he have this trip?

A riveting conference in Akron.

Ate at an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.

Shook hands with some nametags.

Watched some hotel porn.

Girl on girl.

COMPuTER: Tony!

Got stuck in coach next to a fat guy who snored.

It was a smooth flight.

And the shaving cut, did you say it was the right or Ieft side of the jaw?

I said left.

You ready to go to sleep?

Does it matter?

Good night, Edward.

And good morning.

Henry, you're Iate. How was Akron?

Room full of nametags. Good buffet, though.

How was your flight?

Guy snored the whole time.

Put his head on my shoulder.

I think I'm emotionally scarred.

I'm sure the doc'II wanna hear all about it.

You're seeing her this afternoon.

No. You Iike her.

I don't Iike her.

I don't dislike her. She's a very smart Iady.

Smart?

Oh, I'm sure that's how most men would describe Dr. Skinner.

Just because Dr. Skinner's an attractive woman

doesn't mean I think about her that way.

Jeune amour!

That was French!

Yeah. That's what they speak in France.

What? What'd I say?

I just remembered having the strangest dream.

I was paralyzed.

A spectator in my own body.

Detached.

I could hear, see, feel, but I couldn't speak, couldn't move.

Where were you when you had this dream?

Well, when I went to bed, I was at a hotel in Akron, Ohio.

You say it tentatively, Iike maybe at some point you Ieft?

She called me Edward.

Do you ever have dreams where people call you by another name, Doc?

Let's stick with you, Henry.

You always told me you didn't dream.

You always said everybody dreams,

even if they don't remember.

That's true.

Not for me, it isn't.

Now, I've been trying to Iook at this Iike a puzzle.

You solve any puzzle by starting with what you know to be a fact.

And what is it you know to be a fact in this case, Henry?

Last night, I was in Paris, in a beautiful hotel, with a beautiful woman.

Now, I know what you're thinking, Doc.

But I did not make this woman up.

Okay. So, you saw her in the hotel Iobby in Akron.

You saw her at dinner. She was at the conference.

I went online and I Iooked up the hotel.

Chateau Lyonnais, 23, Rue Sainte-Anne, second.

It's a real place, and that is a real address.

The Iast time you were in Paris?

I've never been to Paris.

I checked my passport.

You saw a movie?

I found these in my pocket.

You ever bring home a souvenir from a dream, Doc?

Hey.

Hey, you!

Hey, Dad.

What's that? I've been gone for two days and all I get is a "Hey, Dad"?

You go away for two days every two days.

Well, I missed you.

Hey, Mom. How about the Grand Canyon?

Hey. Hey, wait a minute.

Well, that's a good idea.

I thought we agreed on Washington.

What are we talking about here?

Our family vacation.

Sweetie, I thought that was supposed to be a secret.

I overheard you and Mom.

You overheard? Listen, family vacations cost a Iot of money.

You got a raise.

You are a Iittle spy!

Don't call her that.

I don't mind. I Iike it.

That raise was a cost of Iiving adjustment

to adjust to Iiving with two very expensive children.

Mom's the one with the shoe addiction.

Go help set the table.

Good point, son.

How was Akron?

I had trouble sleeping. Bad dreams.

I'm sorry.

This is Tony. Why am I awake?

Are we going somewhere?

Computer says you're asleep.

Well, who you gonna believe?

No, this isn't possible.

What's the protocol for something Iike this?

We don't have protocols for things that don't happen, Edward.

I have to put you back to bed.

Look, we have rules.

Yeah, why don't you give me an hour to watch baseball highlights

and I won't tell Mavis that you're playing

World of Warcraft on her billion dollar mainframe.

Fine. You've exactly one hour.

COMPuTER: Dialing Mavis Heller.