Mad About You

I can start my heart as much as you tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most

of mine they say nobody's perfect well that's really true this time I don't have

the answers I don't have a plan all I have is you so darling help me understand What

we do, you can whisper in my ear Where we go, who knows what happens after here.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby, yeah I'm mad about you I.

Am off to the new health club, then Chinese food, then bra shopping.

Sweet and sour soup, please, and I'm a 36C.

And Nancy will bring Mabel back around 4.

Right.

I like having a nanny.

Is that wrong?

No, it's not.

Coveting your neighbor's wife is wrong.

Also, cockfighting, I've always thought was wrong.

Splinky?

Pauly, how you doing?

Is James home?

Uh, she's in the bedroom.

Good.

Quick, come here, look.

Uh-oh.

Guess what's in here.

A Chevy Impala.

What?

Well, it's obviously aspirin.

No, it's not.

Okay, well, don't say it like that.

It's an aspirin bottle.

Pauly, you think I'd make a big deal about aspirin?

Why, how do I know?

What is this?

This, my friend, is Viagra.

Really?

Yes.

Huh.

Isn't it amazing, Pauly, a pill that can do what that does?

Uh-huh.

I mean, in the old days, our forebears, when they got into trouble, they did not have a pill.

All they had was their shame and the wrath of their womenfolk.

This is so true.

Huh.

Hey, sorry.

What?

No, I didn't know you were having trouble.

I'm not having any trouble.

Hey, it happens, you know.

You're not exactly a kid anymore.

No, Pauly, I am not having any trouble.

I am as reliable as the sunrise.

Even more so.

I see.

So what are you doing with that stuff?

I was curious.

Uh-huh.

I was.

I was curious.

I had curiosity.

I sought knowledge.

So where'd you get that stuff?

I lied to my GP.

You lied to Dr. Kaplan?

Yeah.

So?

My God.

Oh, come on, Pauly.

Look me in the eye and tell me you are not just a little bit curious.

Why would I be curious if I'm not having a problem?

Because.

You never know.

Maybe this stuff could make you run a little faster, jump a little higher.

I run and jump just fine.

Thank you.

What do you mean, Tommy?

There's no room for improvement?

Did you get the be-all and end-all of erections?

Hey, hey, hey, neighbors.

You're a new father, okay?

You're exhausted all the time.

Your life is chaos, a symphony of self-sacrifice in which your body is a daily casualty.

Now, surely that takes some sort of toll on your sexual prowess.

Put down the sandwich.

Why?

Why do you always say you can come in here whenever you want and just make yourself a sandwich?

Give me that.

Get out of here.

Just go and take your Viagra with you because nobody here is interested.

Viagra.

Can I see it?

Look, it's so pretty.

Can we keep it?

Of course you can.

We don't need that.

We know, but aren't you a little curious?

No, am I the only one willing to leave erect enough alone?

We have neighbors.

Come on, let's see if it does anything.

Let's play.

Really?

Why not?

It'll be fun.

Yeah, but why?

There's no... There's no... Okay.

Hey.

Okay, so listen.

You take it about an hour before you're gonna have sex, and then for four hours thereafter, you're erect.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

All right, all right, can we stop here?

What's your wedding?

Listen, you take the Viagra now, we'll make love when I get back.

Does that work out for you?

It's outstanding.

Now, I gotta tell you, there may be a few side effects.

Here we go.

Okay, what?

Well, it could give you a headache.

All right.

Yeah, and an upset stomach.

Okay.

And it may give everything you see a bluish tinge.

Now you're just making stuff up.

No, I'm serious.

A bluish tinge?

What the hell kind of side effect is that?

I'm just telling you.

A bluish tinge?

Plus, patients apparently think they're Sergio Franchi.

It'll be fun.

Don't you think it'll be fun?

I do.

I think this will be nothing but tremendous fun.

A little fun wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Okay, yes.

Hey, no question.

Here we go.

All right.

Just gonna...

Here we go.

Oh, are you okay?

What?

That's a big pill.

Do you want me to cut it up for you?

No, I will be fine.

You could grind it into a powder.

No.

Roll it up in a piece of cheese.

I will be fine.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

Yeah.

Hello, Ira.

Man, Syl, how much longer is this going to take?

My arms are spasming.

Just wait.

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

I have to wear this.

I have a report of myself that I notice a certain fullness.

What?

A certain fullness happening.

Don't make me spell it out.

Oh.

You must love aircraft carriers.

It looks terrible so far to the left.

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that you're experiencing a fullness even while listening to your mother's voice?

Hello?

Is anyone with me?

Of course.

Mm-hmm.

This pill is something special.

Oh, let's get...

Do you know where the showers are?

I'm sorry, I...

Forgive me, I just...

Out that door.

Down the stairs.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, pal!

Pardon me?

Hey, mama!

Nice cookies!

Let me explain something to you.

We are living in a civilized society here.

I don't know if you've heard, but we have rules of conduct, so get a clue.

What makes you think you can speak to strangers that way?

Hey, mama, nice cookies.

How long did it take you to think of that one?

Was it just going to be, hey, mama, at the last minute you thought?

Oh, I know.

Nice cookies.

You are throwbacks.

You are mouth breathers.

And the train of evolution is leaving you all behind.