Strapped for Danger

Hello ladies, ladies, and others,

and thank you all for coming tonight to

The Bigg Club, where men meet boys.

It's spelled M-E-A-T,

that's an auditory pun people,

and yes, the management makes me do it every time.

Bring on the boys.

Yes, yes, sweetheart, any moment now.

Aren't you feisty?

You're exactly how I like my men,

drunk and desperate.

Come talk to me after the show next time, why don't ya?

The name's Pinata Debris,

and I am pleased to welcome to the stage, Joey and Matt.

Hey Chuck, what's you doing?

Just watching the show.

You never watch the other guys.

Yeah well, tonight I am.

You like girls.

Like me.

You ain't a girl.

How dare you?

Well you weren't so picky

while I was sucking you off last fortnight.

I would report you to HR for sexual harassment

and misgendering me,

if there were such a thing as HR in this dump of a place.

Look,

buzz off.

I'm waiting to see something here.

- Fine, but don't say I never blew nothin' for ya.

Hi Matt.

Hi ya Clive.

Now you know I said the cute ones don't have to tip.

Ah, you're so nice.

You're so much nicer than the other dancers.

I don't know that that's true.

I think it's true.

The other guys don't have the same spark as you.

Thanks.

You know what Clive?

I think you should go home.

Go home?

It's not even midnight.

- Yes, but believe me, it's pumpkin time for you.

Trust me, go, now,

and you'll see why tomorrow.

All right, if you say so Matt.

I do.

Here.

All right, I'll go, I'll go.

Night night.

Night night, termite.

God Danny, are you doing coke again?

What is this, 1986?

What do you want, Pinata?

- I was just gonna say it's my birthday next month,

and I was wondering if I could have

a special birthday show here?

Special birthday show?

Like what?

You know, like singing, dancing.

No, girl, when people come to Bigg's

we offer them one thing,

hot guys in nothing but jock straps.

But I can offer them magic and illusion.

- Face it kid, the slogan here is where men meet--

Where men meet boys, I know.

You're not a man.

You're not a boy.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.

Exactly, you're a fine host,

but you're not the selling point.

People come here to see hot guys,

that's the meal.

Anything else, like you, is garnish.

How dare you?

Are you calling me parsley?

If the herb fits.

Everybody freeze.

Hello gentlemen, and others.

You know Pinata, that joke never worked.

Ladies, ladies, and others?

All that's left is men,

and I have had enough of men.

Now, in case you haven't figured this out yet,

this is a motherfuckin' robbery.

Our associate Chuck's gonna go around the room,

like we do when we're dancing here,

but, instead of giving us your money,

you're gonna give us your clothes.

Put 'em in the bag, wallets, cell phones, everything.

You first.

Police department, this is Vargas.

If it's not homicide, I'm not interested.

That's dangerous.

A robbery you say?

Armed?

I see, now you're talking my language.

The heat of battle, the smell of the flintlock,

this is where men are forged.

None of this light felony, foo foo,

hypno skeleton bullshit.

I'm talking the rage of battle,

the heat of a thousand suns.

What was that?

Hostages?

Sorry, I was in the middle of a sexual fantasy.

Where was this again?

Strip club?

Sweet luscious tits of innocence.

Those hardworking girls never hurt anybody.

Why they are merely providing a public good,

and to take advantage of that is truly a heinous act of--

What?

What do you mean they're not girls,

you said this was a strip club.

I see, no no, there's nothing wrong with

doing things the gay way.

As an ass man myself,

I can appreciate the appreciation.

Two luscious hunks of ham,

squeezed together over a forbidden point of entry.

It's enough to make the mind wander.

In fact, it reminds me--

Huh? How many hostages?

Um, I think I'd better transfer your call to dispatch,

there may be a closer car,

and in these times of ass-driven violence,

time is of the essence.

Hold please.

Now it's time to go hide in the bathroom

and forget this ever happened.

Ain't no way I'm gonna get my clothes

covered in the stench of blood and cum,

for the second time tonight.

Six six henry.

You know Rod,

there comes a time in every little girl's life,

when she dreams about her wedding day.

- In this hypothetical, am I the little girl?

No, no Rod, I am the little girl.

You are the little boy.

This is our little wedding.

Oh.

It's time we get hitched.

Huh?

- All cars in the immediate area,

we have a 211 in progress at the Bigg Club.

Oh, I know where that is.

Take a right on Washington, and a left on Empire.

Good, this is why I keep you around.

Now, let's go mow down some faggots motherfucker.

What's going on?

Look, it's our erstwhile boss, Danny.

For years we've been working for him,

and not only has he been not paying us a living wage,