Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Gabby Logan. In the news this week,

as his teenage daughter starts learning to drive,

one proud dad buys her a little run-around.

Police chiefs say they're delighted

with the success of a scheme to train people

with backgrounds in performing arts to become officers.

And in Ayrshire, the local council decides

to bring in extra support to help with bin collection.

On Ian's team tonight is an American comedian

based in Spain who splits her time between Barcelona and London.

So that's six months in London

and six months in Barcelona airport

waiting to get her fingerprints taken.

Please welcome Michelle Wolf.

On Paul's team tonight is a comedian

who says he's extremely sensitive to noise.

So if he does say anything funny,

please do try not to laugh. Please welcome Miles Jupp.

In a way, that's a kindness. Yeah.

I thought I only shared that with you, my noise sensitivity.

OK, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.

Ian and Michelle, here's yours.

There's Viktor Orban, now known as Loser Orban.

That's Peter Magyar, who won.

That shows that populism isn't always popular. Yes!

And there's another loser.

He's just saying how much he deserves Ukraine

and also how big his penis is.

You're absolutely correct. That is...

Are you absolutely sure, Gabby...?

Said with a certainty of first-hand knowledge.

Peter Magyar is, of course, the new Prime Minister of Hungary.

Do you know what Magyar means in Hungarian?

Just means a Hungarian.

Yes. The other thing we know about him is that he wears a gilet.

Does he? Yeah. Dirty devil.

So, I mean, he might not be from Hungary,

he might be from Guildford. Yeah.

Undercover. Working undercover.

It's a little alarming cos in all those pictures

he's wearing a vest which looks very, you know, tech bro.

That's a gilet. Oh, that's a gilet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry, we don't use fancy words in America.

I'm genetically incapable of using words like tech bro

without sounding like I'm trying rather too hard.

What Queen song did they sing at the victory rally?

We Are The Champions, presumably.

Yes. Yeah. It was. Yeah. Rather than Bohemian Rhapsody,

which was... a good tune, but inappropriate. Yeah.

They borrowed that CD from Arsenal. They might not be needing it.

Ooh!

Oh!

Are Arsenal not doing well?

Oh, they've had a wobbly few weeks.

Although this week went better for them because they've got into

the Champions League semifinal. Oh, good. I am pleased.

Do you want to have a look

at the Hungarian Health Minister dancing? Yes, please.

And that's before he even had a drink.

That's better than Trump dancing, though, isn't it? Yeah. It is.

A lot of people in this country spent a lot of time saying,

"No, I mean, Orban, you know, we could learn a lot from him."

And Farage, in various speeches,

said that there were certain types of political figures

who he model led himself on.

Milei, Orban, Trump.

Um, if populism isn't popular,

it's goodbye to a number of old friends.

I'm cautiously optimistic about democracy,

but they still elected a man.

And I just think men shouldn't be in charge any more. I think...

Can I just say Liz Truss?

It's a blip. It's a blip and, I don't know,

maybe just get a lady in there if we're not too emotional.

Who will be upset that Orban lost?

The Americans.

Particularly as they sent JD Vance over specifically to say,

"Vote Orban." Yeah. It feels like you send JD Vance in to be like,

"Listen, I know we can't agree on anything,

"but we can all agree this guy sucks."

Well, there is a pattern, isn't there, with JD Vance?

Yes. Something of a curse when he gets involved with things.

Yes. Anything he touches turns to dust. Yeah.

I hope he touches himself.

I should think that's a given.

Well, he met the previous Pope. That's right. Who then died.

Yeah. Yeah. Rather than have another meeting.

Yeah. Shall we have a look at Vance meeting the Pope? Yes. Yes.

The Pope is thinking, "Right, that's it, I'm going." Yeah.

As one person on X commented, "The J stands for jinx,

"so what does the D stand for?“

Dick. Dingleberry.

Dumbass. Dick Dingleberry? Dick Dingleberry? Oh, yes.

I used to go out with his sister.

You know, his mom was addicted to drugs and, um,

I get it.

What was Donald Trump doing when JD Vance announced

that peace talks with Iran had collapsed?

He was at a cage fight.

Did he win?

Let's have a look. This is in Miami.

It's good to see him behind the walls of a cage, though, isn't it?

What image on Truth Social was Trump forced into deleting?

This is the image of him as a doctor.

Which people have wilfully misrepresented.

Let's have a look, shall we? Yeah.

There he is.

It's one of the most famous pictures

in the world ever. William Holman Hunt,

The Light Of The World, in which Christ is holding a light.

It's a very well-known picture. And Trump said,

"I'm a doctor."

Which, you know, American health care, come on.

I mean, that's about as good as a health care as we get -

a pat on the forehead.

I see that there's a vulture in there somewhere.

Is that waiting for him to die so it can peck his eyes out?

Shall we have a little listen to Trump explaining it away?

Mm, why not?

I thought it was me as a doctor and had to do with Red Cross.

There's a Red Cross worker there, which we support.

And, uh, only the fake news could come up with that one.

And only a fake president could come up with that one.

It's an incredible bit of dishonesty to literally post yourself

as the Messiah and then say, "No, that's fake news." Come on.

I also heard that in the speech they gave him,

it said the image was doctored.

Yeah. It was a doctored image.

And he read, "I'm a doctor."

What other religious figure has Trump had...?

Oh, the Pope. Cos the Pope apparently is "weak on crime". Yeah.

That's traditionally the Pope's remit, isn't it? Yeah.

That's why you don't see Neighbourhood Watch signs any more.

No. It's because previous Popes have been so strong on crime. Yeah.

Trump was very worried that the Pope hadn't supported the war.

Do you think it's because Pope Leo's American?

Obviously, he feels he's not being patriotic when he's...

Well, Trump said, "He wouldn't be Pope if it wasn't for me."

He said, "He wasn't even on the list."

What list?

Trump doesn't make up the list. I've seen Conclave.

The Vatican is its own country... Yeah... isn't that right? Yeah.

So it's not... I mean, it's not uninvadable, is it? No.

You know, he's... Quite small. Yeah.

He's debating theology.

Him and Vance have decided to take the Pope on, on his special subject.

Maybe they'll make another new church, the Church of Trump.

Yes. Don't put that idea out there.

Cos you're in charge of the church, you can't rule a country any more.

Yeah, I think we should encourage him to take on more hobbies. Yeah.

I mean, they do that in the States.

They've had the Mormons. They could have the Morons.

This is the news that in Hungary

the far-right Prime Minister Viktor Orban has been replaced.

JD Vance was in Hungary to try and save Viktor Orban's campaign.

He's got quite a history of interventions.

And this weekend he'll be in the Spurs' dugout.

In his recent post, Trump has clearly associated himself

with Jesus. To be fair, if Trump could walk on water,

it would make it a lot easier

to collect the tolls in the Strait of Hormuz.

While Vance negotiated with Iran,

Trump attended an Ultimate Fighting Championship event along with...

Not sure it's good optics to be seen with a sexual predator,

but I guess Andrew Tate is happy to take the risk.

Paul and Miles... Oh, yeah. ..here's your story. Right.

Oh, OK. Black and white. Fish and chips in black and white.

Oh, there we are. 19805. "There we are, have some of that."

Instant mash. Instant mash. Terrific.

New opportunities for Keir Starmer.

"There we are. You'd be better off eating the plastic, mate."

Well, that is Anita Rani

sort of forcing muddy root vegetables on people. Yeah.

As she does. She will do that. What's the story?

That's a mangelwurzel, isn't it, that vegetable at the end? Mm.

Yes. School dinners. Obesity crisis in schools,

so they're going to try and stop giving children fish and chips

and sponge puddings and things like that. Yeah.

School dinners have to be healthier... Yeah.

The Government has said, by September of next year.

So do you know what is actually out and off the menu?

Anything fried. Chicken nuggets are specifically mentioned.

Oh, good. Mm-hm. Good. Is there a goujon allowance? Yeah.

I was just going to say, a goujon is a bit like a gilet.

I was going to say...

if someone could translate it for me.

I should note that school lunch in Barcelona

is just a double shot of espresso and a cigarette.

More vegetables will be included.

And you've already mentioned the mangelwurzel.

Shall have another look...? Yeah, by all means, yeah.

It's an unusual-looking thing, isn't it? That is from Harry Potter.

Do you know why everybody's talking about the mangelwurzel?

Nobody's talking about... I mean, it's literally just us.

Yeah. Everyone at home going,

"What the fuck are they talking about?

"Imaginary." It's going to feature in the Great Pavilion

at the Chelsea Flower Show in May, having made a stunning comeback.