Tales of the City

You ready to start?

Yes, I suppose we'd better hurry if you don't want me to croak on screen.

Please just direct your answers into the camera.

So, what are your thoughts on how San Francisco's changed since the '60s?

Hm.

Not much, actually.

Really?

You don't think the city's changed dramatically?

Well, uh...

we're still people.

Aren't we? I mean...

flawed...

narcissistic...

and doin' our best.

Something to drink?

Gin and tonic.

- Champagne, please. - Of course.

Can you bring two?

I'm prohibited from...

Please?

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

- Nervous? - I'm fine.

You always talk about these people like they're family.

Can you call people you haven't seen in over two decades family?

I'm sure there's a statute of limitations or something.

Here we are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ah, don't worry, she's not an angry drunk. Just a sad one.

- Shawna Hawkins. -

What on God's green earth are you doing?

Okay, no offense,

but how did you manage to sneak up on me in platform stilettos?

They always told me I was light in my loafers.

Now, care to explain to me why you're stealing from my bar?

Oh, no, I wasn't stealing.

Oh, no, you were merely appropriating my lights, then.

Better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission?

I don't hate that.

I'll bring them back.

Go ahead, Tiny Tim.

Run.

- Thanks, Ida. - Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you tonight.

For Anna Madrigal?

Yeah. Or maybe Shawna Hawkins. I think she said it was a sheet cake.

All right. One second, I gotta get a guy from the back to help me.

Be right back.

I'd pick that one if I were you.

More icing per square inch.

What's a square inch?

I'm gonna let your mom handle that one.

Do you have kids?

Not yet.

All right.

Here you go.

Perfect.

How the hell are we supposed to carry it home?

Carefully.

- Oh, please, it's on the house. - Are you sure?

A cake for Anna Madrigal, I am sure.

Here we go.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Hey.

- Got more lights. - Hey. Oh, dope. Thanks.

Hey, have you guys seen this wiener dog on Instagram, Bob?

He's so funny, man.

One point nine million followers.

What a world.

Yo, Jonathan.

Twinversation upstairs in five.

Yeah, cool. Awesome.

- Stolen? - Borrowed.

Mm-hmm.

Plants look great.

Yeah, I'm doing what I can. God forbid she let me use cut flowers.

- Anna likes what she likes, I guess. - Oh, in that case, when I turn 90,

please remember that I like money, tropical vacations,

and that one go-go boy at Beaux with the biceps and the butt.

- Will do. - Mm-hmm.

How'd we get stuck with cake duty?

'Cause we're kind and generous.

That's coded language for "suckers." You know that, right?

You okay?

Did you hear what that lady said to me at the bakery?

About our kids? Yeah.

She thought we were straight, Jake.

So? She thought we were straight.

- You're excited. - No, I'm not.

You're passing and you're excited.

What's wrong with that?

I swear to God, if you start in on your "gender is a construct" speech right now,

I will throw this cake at you.

Look, all I'm saying is we know we're queer.

No one's taking that from us.

If a couple of queers walk down the street and no one knows it, are they still queer?

I was never good at algebra.

You're so annoying.

Also, gender is definitely a construct.

Okay, so...

we're two months behind on rent, right?

- And we need to make money fast. - Yeah.

What if, like,

we tried to be famous on Instagram?

Oh, like Bob?

Yeah, exactly,

but more twins, less dog.

And, like, maybe a new look.

Yeah, sweet.

Is that crazy?

No crazier than our BFAs in Fine Arts.

Eh.

Here.

I'll start us a new Instagram account.

I can't tell if we're being ironic or not.

I don't think irony exists on the internet.

I'm not high enough to understand that.

- How's "Twintertainment"? - Mm!

It's always so goddamn cold in this city.

You should bring a jacket.

Ah. I see.

- What? Is it too obvious? - Well...

I don't know what's appropriate for this sort of thing.

I tried Googling "what to wear

to a 90-year-old's birthday party in San Francisco,"

and pictures of Cher kept coming up.

You ready?

Yeah. Will you bring the gifts?

I don't know. Let me consult my exhaustive hot girl registry.

Hey, kiddo.

I gotta run. We don't have enough vodka.

I count four handles. That's not enough?

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are coming, so not even close.

Okay, expert, but don't be too long, 'cause you don't wanna miss the cake.

Okay, Dad.

Hey, can you say your full name into the mic here?

I need a record of...

Do you wanna tell me your name first before you start demanding things?

I don't, no.

Are you always this defensive?

- Are you always this bossy? - Yes.

You haven't answered either of my questions.

What are you doing with that?

Making a documentary

about queer community and its dissolution

as a result of the strangling grip that capitalism has on San Francisco.

Do you really talk like that?

Only when I'm trying to impress someone.

Thought I was doing the interviewing.

Guess not.

See you later.

See ya.

He's upstairs.

We don't want any.

- I'm pretty sure that you do. -

Please tell me my eyes are going bad

and you're not actually wearing a Pac-Man T-shirt.

Oh, between my shirt and your dad joke, I think we're even.

That wasn't a dad joke.

A daddy joke, then.

God damn it, you're lucky you're so cute.

Yeah, it's my main currency.

Red or blue?

Blue.

You sure?

I'm sure. Do...

You want a drink or something before we get down there?

- I'm nervous. - Yeah, I'm shocked, truly.

Well, this is my family.

I know, I've met them.

Yes, but when they're all together, they can be a lot.

Just like every other family.

This feels significant.

Mm.

It's almost like I'm your significant other.

Not in that T-shirt, you're not.

Oh! Dude...

Hey!

Come on, then.

Yeah!

So this is it? Barbary Lane.

This is it.

Shall we?

Isn't it wonderful?

It's somethin'.

- Hey, boo! - Hey, what's up?

Someone tell me I'm hallucinating, because I know this can't be real!