Cougar Town

"Don't Do Me Like That"

What?

Honey, when you write a college essay,

you need to write about who you really are,

not who you pretend to be, okay?

So no more stuff about how you're a huge fan of the Clash.

I love the Clash.

Name one of their songs.

"Should I Stay or Should I Go."

- Name another. - Well played,

but if you torture me, I'm gonna torture you.

I'm going to college next year.

You're gonna be all alone.

I'm really excited for you.

Really, Mom?

- Mom? - Need a sec.

Hello?

Hey. What are you doing?

It's midnight, and I'm trying not to cry in front of my son.

That's cool.

So remember how Nezzie and I

went to Miami, and we split a hotel room?

Well, tonight she said that I hogged the bed

like a big, blonde bear, and I kind of overreacted,

and I slapped the bitch. Ohh.

I'm P.M.S-ing hard.

- Cut to the chase. - She left me at a club,

so I need a ride home and a place to crash tonight.

Okay. I'll be right there.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Honey, I'll be back in an hour.

Jules Cobb, mother to the world.

Well, I like to help people. Feeling needed is like my crack.

I crave it.

That's a great message for the kids.

Besides, having Laurie over will be fun.

It's like having a slumber party.

Laurie, you're getting another text.

Shut up, Nezzie.

I was that bad?

If we were in prison, I'd be your bitch.

Oh.

Bye, Amber!

- That's not her name. - Oh, I was just guessing.

Her name is, uh, Candee.

Neat! Is she a lawyer or a nuclear physicist?

Oh, great. The girl with three toe rings finds it funny.

One of them's a tattoo.

Wow, you shuffled that poor girl out early this morning.

- Did you even feed her? - I don't like eating with people.

- What about what she likes? - Thumpy music.

- What else? - Shiny things.

- Little more. - Cartoons.

- Tell me what you know. - Being a vegan, except for pizza.

Oh, paper buddy, there's not an endless supply

of hot, dumb girls in this little town.

You keep acting like a selfish tool,

word's gonna spread.

You're gonna find yourself living on Planet No-Love.

That means that girls won't want to sleep with you anymore!

Got it.

He's got it.

What are you thinking about?

I was just dreaming about having sex with you

- on a beach at sunrise. - Oh, that's sweet.

Here's what I don't like about it.

We're never having sex at sunrise.

It's way too early. Have you ever done it at the beach?

I mean, there is sand everywhere--just ew! Ooh.

Also one word-- Bugs.

So why don't you move me from the beach

- to a nice hotel? - There's no hotel.

What is this, like a side-of-the-road

kind of beach where cars drive by and honk,

and I'm like, whoo! You know, like, ow!

I mean, I'm not some whore, Josh.

I'm not sure what's happening.

I'm sorry. You know what?

I think we're just both really sexually frustrated.

This whole waiting for ten dates rule is just really rough.

Yeah.

I know I'm being rude, but I'm starving.

If you're not gonna eat that, may I have it?

My omelet?

No.

Good god, Barb!

I'm happy this is our seventh date.

Do you remember that time that we played tennis

and then went to dinner and saw a movie?

Yeah.

That's two locations and a wardrobe change.

That's gotta count for at least two dates.

So that means this is our ninth date,

and tomorrow's our tenth date, and we can finally--

Josh, Josh. Come on, we're both adults here.

Please, let's not make too big of a deal out of it.

Laurie!

Laurie!

Laurie!

Laurie, it's tomorrow!

It is?!

Yes! Tomorrow, Josh and I finally get to have...

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Dershon. Please have a seat.

I'm gonna show you some lovely homes today.

Oh, you want to see a cool magic trick?

Ta-da.

You're safe now.

And this will be my last bite of food today

so that my stomach looks super flat tonight.

What's happening tonight?

Mmm. I'm hosting a conference on mind your own business.

Wow, I'm sorry. That was a little mean.

Here, honey, have the rest of my bagel.

Oh.

Hello, Clarice.

Come on, Travis. We gotta go see your dad.

Hey, I'll take him over.

I know Bobby was your best friend,

but once Jules divorced him, that ended.

- You are forbidden to see him. - It doesn't bother me, Ellie.

This is not about you.

Say good-bye to mean mommy.

Mm-hmm.

So what time is your gentleman caller arriving tonight?

- I told him to show up at 8:00. - Is that enough time to prepare?

It's 10:00 in the morning. Is she serious?

We're 40, Laurie.

For us, getting ready for sex is like...

prepping for a space mission.

Well, I already scheduled your mani-pedi.

Now my Russian eyebrow lady was murdered--long story.

So I was thinking you could just have the same girl

that does your bikini wax do your brows.

You can't use the same person for both things.

One's a gardener. The other's an artist.

Oh, if I'm gonna get waxed,

I gotta tidy the den before the maid comes.

Mm.

What the hell does that mean?

Oh, it means Jules is so crazy, she has to give herself a trim

before she gets waxed so her waxer doesn't think

- she's a cavewoman. - Oh, I also have to blow out my hair.

I've gotta buy candles, wash my sheets.

I gotta do a thousand sit-ups and buy a bra

that doesn't squeeze my back so tight

that I get, you know, back boob.

Wow, Jules, you're really going all-out for this guy.

Why? You don't ever try to make it special?

I don't know. If I really like a dude,

I'll stop texting while we do it.

I wish you were my daughter.

Travis, did you finish your college essay?

Yeah. It's great.

You have to do it this weekend.

How'd she know?

The high-pitched lie-- every man's tell.

No, it's not.

Really? Have you ever had a dirty dream about me, Travis?

You? Sick!

Mom, make Laurie stop.

Come on. Let's go see your dad's new place.

New place? Where did he move?

Isn't it beautiful?

The ocean just makes you feel alive.

It might be nicer if the boat were actually in the water.

You're ruining it.

Peekaboo! Thanks for letting me stay for breakfast.

- Isn't this fun? - It's so fun.

Oh, you are so nice.

Tell your friends.

Yeah, right. I mean, if I told Diedre, she'd be all over you.

This one time on a booze cruise, she was all,

"Your boyfriend is tasty," and I was all...

Excuse me for one second.

Oh, my God!

- So... booze cruise. - Right. So she was all,

"Your boyfriend is tasty."

Oh!

I'm having a crisis.

Is this a "real crisis" crisis,

or a "my feet look like elephant feet" type crisis?

'Cause I know mine do.

I've gotta take a shower before my mani-pedi!

I hate my baby.

Oh, my God!

- That's been going on all day. - Wow, he seems tense.

Yeah. All right, let's go.

You know how I take a nap every day from 10:00 to 11:45?

- Your life is better than mine. - I know.

Anyway, I just had this dream that I looked

into Stan's stroller, and he was completely made of chocolate.

And...

You ate your baby?

We're just not connecting.

We have completely different tastes

in food, music and books.

And I just know when he gets older,

he's gonna do something to drive me crazy...

like marry a poor person.

Do you want to go get Stan