American Dad!

You know what? I was afraid of it,

I put it off for years and years,

but I'm pretty glad I tried Italian food.

Even though it's adding 45 minutes each way,

it's neat to take the train to lunch.

Neat? I ride the train because I can't afford a car.

Look at me! I'm next to this train man now.

Take a picture of us looking sad together.

My 3:30 meeting!

Where is this train?

It's late! That's part of the fun!

I got to grab a cab.

Excuse me, sir, would you mind if we took your taxi?

We're a sweet, young newlywed couple,

and we kind of expect the world to give us things.

Good lord, you're so cute together!

Get in there, you cuties!

Good luck with everything.

You see that cab in front of us? I gave it to that young couple.

You're a good man. So, you want me to follow 'em?

I do... but there's no time.

Oh, man, that woulda been you!

You lucky dog.

Oh, God! Oh, man!

Now I'm having a heart attack, and you're not! Aah!

You...lucky...dog.

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day #

# the sun in the sky has a smile on his face #

# and he's shinin' a salute to the American race #

# oh, boy, it's swell to say #

Smith, your face! What's wrong?

Oh. Are you still thinking about

the people incinerated in that cab

and how it could've been -- nay, should have -- been you?

Oh, poo. It was way earlier today.

Get over it, you big baby. You know what?

I'm sending you to the C.I.A. therapist -- Dr. Ray.

Isn't therapy more for...crazy people?

Exclusively! You psycho.

Therapy? I don't need therapy. I lived when I should have died.

So what?

Just goes to show, you never know.

Exactly. I-it's like that skydiver

whose parachute came detached,

and then he fell in the swamp and died,

and his parachute ended up landing at this school,

but they'd already bought a parachute for their gym class,

so they ended up with two parachutes.

They only needed one.

Jesus!

And you're not safe at home, either.

I heard about this one lady who put her electric blanket in the washing machine,

and then it got stuck, and then she climbed in after it.

So, a-anyway, she drowned.

Nothing she could have done, though.

Sometimes you're looking left

when you should be looking right. I know!

I was buying groceries today,

and my coupons had somehow expired.

Madness! All is madness!

They let me use them, though, 'cause I go there a lot.

And they know I'll throw a fit.

I mean, I've seen death before -- tons of times.

It -- it didn't bother me.

This just felt so... random.

Would you have felt better if this couple had, say, died

at your hands? Oh, so much.

Well, we can't bring them back for you to take away.

They're gone.

But a lot of my patients find palpating small, soft animals

gives them a sense of well-being.

He's a little cold.

This bunny has died.

That was terrible.

Why, uh... why is everything terrible?

Ah. Okay. Okay.

Are you familiar with chaos theory?

Carnival cruise line's award- winning hip-hop dance troupe?

Yes.

Give me your hand.

Now, if I put a second drop in the same spot,

which way will it go?

The same way?

Ow! That drop was acid.

That's chaos theory. Well, I don't like it!

Because you feel powerless and out of control.

Tell me, have you ever worked with miniatures before?

They can be a wonderful way to restore a sense of order

amidst the chaos of life.

What am I supposed to do with them?

Anything. You're in control here.

Could I put them here?

Or even...there?

Wherever.

This is ridiculous.

They obviously belong in a train-yard set.

And this guy needs a hat. There we go.

This will make me feel better?

It will. It really will.

And I don't say that just because I own shares in a figurine company.

Although that reminds me,

you must use Thompson brand miniatures.

Any other brand will damage your brain.

It'll make you sick.

That was the most mortifying wine-tasting party of my life.

Beyond mortifying.

You swore that gewuerztraminer wasn't a real wine.

I called everyone liars!

I set fire to the bed with all the coats on it!

Gewuerztraminer doesn't mean anything in German!

Well, I guess literally it means "spiced grape,"

but it's like, "What? That's nonsense."

We can never show our faces at another one

of James and Barbra's wine-tasting parties.

Wrong. We are gonna become wine experts.

Ahh, go the other way with it -- learn something about wine.

Then we'll bury our idiot friends

with how many flavors we can notice.

We'll become the classiest winos in all of Langley Falls.

To celebrate, let's polish off this box of wine.

To sophistication!

Oh, mama, that is tiny.

You got another package, Stan.

Look, Francine, it's our house!

I finally did the gutters like you've been hounding me about

for six years!

Well, your facial tic is gone.

Is this helping you feel better? Oh, yeah.

I've finally come to accept

that I can't control the world out there.

But this... this is perfect.

Okay.

Because you've been missing work,

and, well, it's been a lot of packages.

The U.P.S. guy started making jokes about it -- good jokes.

I think he might want to have an affair.

Well, he has his thing, and I have mine.

Look! It's our mailbox!

Stan? Honey?

Oh, my God.

I had no idea it was so much.

Now I know why we haven't been having sex.

And why we won't be having sex.

This is a bit of a turnoff.

At least he went into work.

Ah, a plastic book -- always halfway through.

Beautiful morning, as always.

Timmy, did you throw my paper in the bushes again?

You little so and so!

If he keeps doing this, I'm gonna be mad for real.

Hello, constable George. Hello, grocer Joe.

Some would say that you're just the constable model

with a different paint job,

but I know you're a separate, unique person.

# As he walks beneath the lamplight sun #

# with a toothpick as a cane #

# you can hear the girls exclaim #

# Is that man insane? #

# No! He'll live a lie but never die #

# and that's a truth you can't deny #

# he's the man that built the world in his basement #

What happened here?

Hmm.

Aah! Sorry, pal, but there's no room in this town

for anything dangerously unbalanced!

That's better. Everything's under control.

Ahh, the trade winds.

Dad? Dad?

Huh. I guess he's...not here.

Outta the way!

I'm the garbage man! Gimme ya trash, ya losers!

I'm in the union, and my pension is bankrupting the city!

Everyone talks about how rich I am, but they have no idea.

I hope you don't think me forward

if I tell you you're lovely.

Oh, you!

May I steal a peck on the cheek?

I'll let you hold my hand.

And this guy here is bangin' a dog!

Steve! You're killing me!

Oh, my God!

What was that?

Ah, it's just Steve running from something terrifying.

Come on, focus. Let's do this wine.

It's a softball. It's made to be gotten.

Work the grid, bro.

Nose is clean.

Lemon peel, dried rosebuds,

burnt crinoline...

...marzipan, cherry, peppery in the back -- no, wait, the front.

I'm picking up something green.

Not sure if it's olives or watermelon?

Or a snake?

Here we go. This wine is a new-world wine.

This wine is from California. This wine is central coast.

This wine is a Petit Sirah.

This wine is from a high-quality producer, and it's 2008.

It's milk.

Oh, milk! Of course.