Norbit

Everyone has their path in life,

and this is more or less where mine started.

My name is Norbit Albert Rice, and I was an orphan.

I like to think my parents loved me very much,

but just didn't have the means to properly care for me.

I can see them researching all of the orphanages in the area,

agonizing over their choices,

trying to make sure their precious little boy

was raised in the perfect environment.

Ling Ling! Someone left another one!

Coyotes, go! Get! Back! Back, coyotes!

Get out here! You not eat another baby.

Oh, crap. Another black one.

Can't give these away.

You ugly black one, too. You be here long time.

Nobody ever come and say, "Give me the ugly, black one."

You very ugly baby. The ugliest baby I ever seen.

A lot of people think that orphanages are cold and scary,

but the Golden Wonton was a great place to grow up.

We had everything normal children had. Pets...

Here. Play with that.

...a big backyard, and lots of kids to play with.

Ling Ling! The children got in MSG barrel.

Now all their hair gonna fall out again.

You stupid orphan! Nobody want a bald orphan!

Norbit, how you find family with no hair?

Nobody want a bald Norbit!

What the hell wrong with the children here?

Mr. Wong was a very interesting man.

In addition to his love for children and preparation of fine Asian cuisine,

he had a real passion for old-time whaling.

It's a whale, ho!

Die, you son-of-a!

Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

Norbit, where you go? Why you run off like little bitch?

After Marvin Browning got lost downtown for a couple of weeks,

the orphanage started using a buddy system.

Go, Norbit!

My buddy was little Kate.

Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

That's okay. You're doing good.

Kate and I were always together. Playing checkers...

-Oh, man. -Yes!

...watching scary movies.

Why, we even pooped together.

And then one day, Kate and I decided that we should tie the knot.

We got married under the great big oak tree.

I now pronounce you my wife.

And I pronounce you my husband.

It's watermelon.

Yours is green apple.

I think it's time for us to kiss now.

And we lived happily ever after

for about two weeks until she got adopted.

Bye, Norbit.

I didn't do too much bike riding after that.

When Kate left, there was an odd number of kids at the orphanage,

so I was buddyless for a while.

And sometimes I'd get a little sad,

but I never lost hope.

I knew that someday I'd find another somebody to share my life with.

All I had to do was just be patient.

-What'd you do that for? -Because we felt like it.

-What are you gonna do about it? -What are you gonna do about it?

Loser.

Stop it.

Leave him alone.

-Says who? -Says who?

-Who are you? -Rasputia. What's your name?

-Norbit. -Norbit? That's a stupid name.

-Why'd you beat those boys up? -To protect you.

-You got a girlfriend, Nesbit? -Norbit.

No.

Well, you do now. Get your ass up and hold my hand.

-Okay. -How you doing?

Everything changed once I had Rasputia as my girlfriend.

We took care of each other,

and the other kids started to respect me.

I'll take...

-Norbit. -Come on.

And because of Rasputia, for the first time in my life,

I had a real family.

Rasputia had three brothers.

Big Black Jack. He was the oldest.

Leg.

Then, there was Blue.

Breasts.

And Earl. He was the baby.

Wing.

They sure loved their little sister,

and so they treated me like one of their own.

Here you go, Norbit. Saved the best piece for you.

-What's that? -Turkey ass. Eat up, sucker.

Bon appetitty.

Bon appetitty.

The Latimores had a reputation

for being the meanest, nastiest people in town,

but that's just because folks didn't know them.

They were actually very nice, hard-working people.

They ran the local construction company,

and recently, responding to the needs of the community...

Yo, Morris.

...had opened a little security business.

It was a surprisingly popular service among the local vendors.

Hey, you don't shake me down. I'm Italian. I shake you down.

-Is that right? -Yes.

Get his ass in here.

I'm in.

As time passed, Rasputia and I got closer and closer,

in high school and as adults.

I started working as a bookkeeper in her family's business.

I'm expecting some important calls today, Norbit,

so when you answer the phone, try and sound white.

So when you answer the phone, try and sound white.

It was like everything was finally coming together.

Yes.

Of course, it was only natural that Rasputia and I

would take the next step in our relationship.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Open your mouth.

Go, Rasputia!

It was a storybook wedding,

the beginning of a brand-new chapter.

I knew I would never be lonely again. I had found my place in the world.

Poor Norbit. Man.

Back when I was in the game, I used to tell my hos,

"Hos, ain't no man gonna pay for the cow if he can get the milk for free."

You ain't got to worry about this brother buying the milk,

'cause he just bought the whole damn cow.

That's a special cow, too.

That must be where buttermilk come from.

Sing that shit, girl.

Them are not dimples. Them are potholes in her ass.

Look like an Escalade in a wedding dress.

It a horror show.

Norbit. What a woman you got.

-Hi, fellows. -We're all jealous, right, boys?

-Oh, yeah. Way jealous. -Wish I had one like that.

Norbit, let me talk to you for a second.

Look, just so we clear.

If you ever hurt my sister in any way,

make her cry, even make her sad one time,

I'm coming at you with razor blades and lemon juice.

-You hear me? -Yes.

I'm talking pain, boy.

Searing, mind-numbing pain.

I understand.

-You understand me? -Yes, yes, yes.

All right.

-Welcome to the family. -Thank you.

Somebody is take a big hunk out of my cake!

What y'all looking at? I ain't had no cake.

You better mind your damn business.

Hey, hey! Everyone!

I am Mr. Wong. I am best man in wedding.

I feel it my place to say something, make a toast to bride and groom,

tell story about Norbit. I like Norbit father.

I raise Norbit. He like my own child.

And I want to say that I very, very confused, Norbit,

that you... You marry Latimore.

I don't understand it, because when you was a little boy, you say,

"One day I find the girl of my dreams." And then you marry a gorilla.

I joke, I joke, I joke.

Why you not know joke when you hear joke?

Why you wanna make fight at wedding?

Cool off, before I have to bust somebody ass in here. Okay.

When Norbit just little boy,

he like to always run all over place naked. Always naked.

And Norbit, when he was just little boy, had a pee-pee the size of an egg roll.

-You know, Norbit. -That's true.

And one day, down by creek, Norbit run around naked

and poisonous snake jump up and bite Norbit right on ass.

Very close to hole.

Norbit pass out. I think Norbit is dead.

I go to check the boy pulse. He still alive. He still alive!

"Okay," I say, "I must do something to save child."

So, I start to think,

"Do I suck poison out of Norbit's ass or do I let him die?"

I do the most responsible thing.

I say, "Hell to the no!

"Norbit is out of here,

"because it is long time in hell

"before Wong suck poison out of another man's ass."

But strange, mystical thing happen, Norbit.

Even though poison is in Norbit, he not die.

Norbit get stronger and stronger.

That why I know, Norbit, deep down inside, you very, very strong.

You strong like warrior.

That's why I say to you, Norbit, you can survive anything.

Even...

So I say to everyone here, and to Norbit,

I wish you much happiness and peace and love,

and lots of bananas for your new gorilla.

I only kidding. To Norbit and Rasputia.

Norbit, you know what would be so romantic?

If you'd carry me over the threshold like a little chocolate drop.

Be delicate, now.

Put your back into it.

Come on, now. Be a man. You ain't no man.